


You're Fucked: A Classpect Guide

by AmaranthineAmusement, EnigmaticHallows



Series: You're fucked: A Guide to Not Being Pathetic [1]
Category: Homestuck, SBURB- fandom
Genre: Aspect, FAQ, Homestuck guide, Other, SBURB, class, good luck, you need it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-12
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-03-30 05:05:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 48,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3923977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmaranthineAmusement/pseuds/AmaranthineAmusement, https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnigmaticHallows/pseuds/EnigmaticHallows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Do you need to know about your powers? Trying to figure out why your time player is so crazy? Are you confused and near death? This is the work for you! Welcome to You're Fucked, an all-encompassing guide to sburbia. In this guide, we cover every possible class and aspect combination-  except for wastes/lords/muses, we only do those on request.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Introduction

EA: Hello, and welcome to our little guide. If you actually took the time to go on Archive Of Our Own to look up this shitty guidebook, then you must truly be in desperate measures. 

EA: Let's face it: You're fucked. 

EA: You must have ignored all the warnings on the cover and entered the game, and now, you’re completely fucked over and your teammates are probably already dead. 

EA: Do not fear, though! My clever assistant and myself have created a quick guide to how to survive the dangerous jungles of Sburbia! 

AA: spoiler alert: it won't be quick.

EA: Follow me, and together, we shall explore the various marvels of our universes, and understand their beauty and many dangers! 

EA: Let's do this and hopefully, you will survive! 

AA: Just kidding, you're going to die. I mean, theoretically everyone will die, eventually, but you will be dying very soon. The only mercy you can hope for is that the death is as quick and painless as possible and that you are revived shortly after. 

EA: ^ Yeah what she said. 

EA: Anyway you might probably be wondering who the fuck we are.

EA: It's actually a really long story.

EA: So basically we joined a session with like, 4 friends (who pretty much all ended up dying) (Rest in pieces, Thyme) and we *actually* managed to finish the game, but since my friend over here is glitched as fuck

AA: Hey! You're the one who thought the bar-punching was a good idea! 

EA: Our session got fucked over and somehow the code for the endgame scenario disappeared 

EA: So yeah 

EA: We basically do a lot of traveling/surviving

EA: Dominique must have died like... 7 times? 

EA: Also our time player died. Anyway, through a fuckton of shenanigans we managed to transfer our medium to a different session. we help other people for a living, I guess. 

EA: It's kinda weird. 

AA: that time with the jester hat doesn't count.

AA: And by the way, _Mahoro_ has died _eight_ times. 

EA: _don't be fuckin rude_

EA: anyway yeah 

EA: I'm Mahoro. Rogue of Light, I really like dogs 

EA: The green idiot here is my friend Dominique. She's a Mage of Void. 

EA: As you can't see she's not exactly the brightest :p 

AA: Last week we ran out of food and he ate a raw potato even though he has fire powers. I am, by comparison, quite sane. 

AA: Also, to clarify, we go around and fix sessions that were previously thought unfixable. The horrorterrors already hate us, nothing to lose, you get me? 

AA: We'd been helping people for a while but then we thought: 'What about the rest of the annoying twelve year olds that are being killed violently for very good reasons? Who will help them?' 

AA: and Mahoro thought of this ridiculous idea as a solution. 

AA: _(note to self; never play poker with a light player again.)_

EA: It's like scooby doo adventures except the monsters are actually trying to kill us 

EA: So yeah, we've been in the game for a few years now. 

EA: And, I mean, after a while, you're kinda just sitting on your pile of grist like, "what about the other kids? What about the poor children who don't get to eat caviar for dinner every day?" It gets really sad. Seriously. 

EA: Also we're kinda being tracked by an army of quasi-omnipotent monsters but heeehhhhhh 

AA: so yeah. We're gonna make this into a series, maybe,"you're fucked: a guide to surviving sburb". Let us know what you think! 

AA: I don't really care but it's funny to see Mahoro cry when people insult his writing. 

EA: I still think that "A guide to not being pathetic" is a better title though haha 

AA: look, if you want to fly out into the void while trying not to piss off horrorterrors during your installment of the server that will hold this guide, you can name it. Until then, I get full title rights. 

EA: I don't know, wanna play a game of poker for it ^( `~`)^ ?

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're Fucked! :

A guide to ~~Surviving Sburb~~  not being pathetic 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INDEX:

-FAQ- (OFFLINE)

\--- [Aspect 1: Time](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3923977/chapters/8787457) \---

\--- [Aspect 2: Space](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3923977/chapters/8934262) \---

\--- [Aspect 3: Void ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3923977/chapters/9135169)\---

\--- [Aspect 4: Light](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3923977/chapters/10483983) \---

\--- [Aspect 5: Mind](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3923977/chapters/10761086) \---

\--- [Aspect 6: Heart](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3923977/chapters/12298667) \---

\---[ Aspect 7: Rage ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3923977/chapters/13275850)\---

\--- [Aspect 8: Hope](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3923977/chapters/14639422) \---

\--- [Aspect 9: Doom](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3923977/chapters/14949034) ---

\--- [Aspect 10: Life](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3923977/chapters/15241879) \---

\--- [Aspect 11: Blood](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3923977/chapters/15568060) \---

\--- [Aspect 12: Breath](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3923977/chapters/15963601) \---

 


	2. Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're going to start the chapter on space on Thursday, check back then!

\---------------------------------------------------

Aspect 1: Time

\---------------------------------------------------

 O

 

(AA: The O symbolizes a watch. See what I did there?)

 

AA: All right, I'm gonna be totally honest with you here and say that all the time players I've met have been total dicks. Is it because they're overpowered? Do you have to be an asshole to be a time player? Who knows. 

AA: anyway, Mahoro was all "even if they're assholes we should still help them" and I don't have anything better to do, so here you are. Enjoy, I guess.

DENIZEN: HEPHAESTUS

 

This guy is a prime example of asshole time players. Does he have a totally rad hammer that can alter time? Yes. Does he use it to help the players in the session? No, of course not. I've never been a time player, so I can't say exactly what having him as a denizen is like, but he's... okay, I guess. I mean, it's kinda required that denizens be total jerks but he doesn't seem to go out of his way to make his players life miserable, which is more that you could say for some. He just generally stays in his little castle thingy and doesn't do anything.

But yeah, don't expect him to start giving out favors. This is Hephaestus we're talking about. Not Oprah.

AA: wait, do we know any time players? Could we make them do this chapter? 

EA: Dominique you know very well what happened last time we let our time player do anything

O

ROGUE OF TIME

Class type: Passive

Rogues are generally cool. They're like the robinhoods of class, stealing shit from sburb and giving it to the rest of it. Rogues of time, however, are next level. They are like... The masters of procrastination, and they drag you into it. Were you planning on doing anything this century? Too bad, there's a new videogame that doesn't want to kill you out and the rogue has a copy. You should be glad if your time player is a rogue, because even if they tend to be a little slow in getting things done, rogues are less assholeish than most time players.

Rogues have always been a pretty sweet class, mostly because Rogues are people who care more about others than they care about themselves. Having a rogue in your session brings a huge advantage to your party, since Rogues are able to steal items from their aspect, using their aspect. It's kind of a weird concept, but it's super helpful to the party (unless you're a Rogue of Heart. Then you're useless unless you spend a lot of time mastering your aspect powers.)

Basically, a Rogue of Time's main asset is being able to bring things from other timelines into the alpha one, without too many repercussions.

Let's say you decide to go inside an alternate timeline (which is a thing you actually can do, thanks to the rogue class' [WALKER] ability, which allows you to literally and/or metaphorically travel through your aspect) and find some really cool katana one of your friends could really use during a battle or something. Normally, the katana would only exist in THAT timeline, but using your timey timey powers, you can, welp, take it. Yeah. You can just take it. It's pretty cool.

I don't really know how that works since Time Shenanigans are kinda confusing, but I'm pretty sure it involves some kind of command that lets you reposition lines of code inside the session's matrix. I wouldn't mess too much with it if I were you. Who knows what might happen.

Rogues also have basically the same skillset as thieves with more support skills, mainly [THERES ALWAYS TOMORROW], which restores your health bar to what it will be in one day's time. Pretty badass, yeah?

 

O

THIEF OF TIME

Class type: Active

Thieves are often seen as particularly selfish, solo players, since they do not have any support abilities. The game gives them a buffed up stealth bar and a high speed. All Thieves are known to be able to use their aspects to [HIDE], creating a barrier of [aspect] rendering them impossible to track, unless you happen to be a MIND PLAYER. Thieves are generally very skilled at what they are doing, and will make you flip your shit if they happen to not be in your team, which is going to be really frequent. They also happen to have this weird thief thing which will make them collect a huge amount of stuff, Thieves always being the second richest players in their sessions. Another thing is the music. We don't exactly know why, but all time players will have a gigantic musical instrument on their planet that only they can use. It basically is a huge reset button for the universe. Don't touch that. People can die.

AA: Unless people are already dying and your session is doomed, in which case:

AA: _press the fucking reset button so hard_

The Thief of Time is one of the creepy classes. They are able to use this thing that I'm just going to call [TIME VAMPIRE]. Yes. You read this correctly. Time Thieves will make you flip your shit. They will do this thing when they will strangle enemies and steal their [YOUTH], healing themselves and making themselves become younger. They can't become younger than they were before entering the game, though. You don't want to be around when they do this. It's really creepy. If they can't go younger, they will gain more minutes to live, and will be able to do so until the person they are vampiring is DEAD. Yes, it's overpowered, and you know what's even more overpowered? The fact that TIME THIEVES don't have to go through [COOLDOWN] after using their spells makes them one of the most fucking dangerous players in town. There are tons of other attacks but this one is the fastest to use and the best for you. It does take a while to master, though. Kissing people might be a bad idea. It would be a shame if they randomly started to die.

AA: unless you want them to die. Then make out as aggressively as possible.

God you don't wanna piss off Thieves of Time. They will fuck you up. Big time. Oh, yeah, also. Time Travel!

AA: You know what else time players fuck up? OUR SESSION.

AA: _that little bitch_

AA: do they not tell people this in the time player handbook?

AA: “ _Do not get high and time travel” ?_

AA: we were so close to not having any deaths in that session.

****  


O

HEIR OF TIME

Class type: passive

Do you know how WEIRD THIS THING IS? If you are a heir of time, I'm sorry, but you are BOUND to make something fuck up in your session and we all know it. Oh my god. Alright, basically, you are the *living embodiment of Time itself*. The last time I met a heir of time, he got us in such a clusterfucking amount of BULLSHIT that we had to reposition our ENTIRE medium in a different location because he created time paradoxes everywhere he went!! No but seriously, do you know how annoying glitches in the matrix are? It's like living in a broken record!

Being a Heir of Time is like being some kind of weird timelord from doctor who, except you are your own tardis. I still don't understand how it works, but it just does. If I were you, though, I would refrain from using ANY time magic unless it is ABSOLUTELY necessary. One of the few abilities you can exploit without completely fucking up your entire session is the [REWIND] ability, which lets you go back in time in a relatively safe way. When using [REWIND], the universe lets you make time go backwards for a chosen amount of time, during which you will replace your past self in the Alpha Timeline. It's a relatively stable ability that you should be able to use to your own advantage. Just be careful with what you do.

AA: and for the love of all that is holy, do not go back in time in order to have sex with yourself. THAT DOESNT WORK AND IT CREATES AN OFFSHOOT. ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS WILL DIE, AND IT WILL BE BECAUSE YOU COULDNT KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS. 

EA: Well, you could technically create a time double and well.. Yeah. Only the double will be doomed. For life. You selfish jerk. 

Heirs can also use the move [JUST CANT WAIT TO BE KING] which boosts their powers to god tier level for a very short amount of time. Be careful with this, though, as afterwards you are left with no powers at all, and you'll probably be physically exhausted too.

 

O

MAID OF TIME

Class type: who the fuck even knows? Not me!

You're the maid of time! That means your job is to make sure your teammates don't fuCK UP THE ENTIRE SESSION, and trust me, they WILL. You're basically the cleaning lady of your session. Someone create a time paradox? Fix it, Felix! Someone "accidentally" disturbs the order of time and space? Fix it, Felix!

Your class being the Maid, you possess an entire walking closet of unlockable abilities. One of the most notable ability in there is [DUST OFF], which boosts all of your stats and your friends' for a limited amount of time. Also, for some reason, Maids can jump *really high*. Must be a glitch. This class has so many hidden abilities that you should be able to do pretty much anything involving time shenanigans using it. The Maid of Time is an extremely versatile classpect, owning a mixture of both the Maid’s passive support abilities and the Time aspect’s extremely active properties and abilities.

Another cool move is [JUST LIKE NEW] which restores broken items. Doesn't work on people though, and trying to bring your friends back to life doesn't really work. It just leaves you with some REALLY CREEPY time-zombies. For your emotional wellbeing, I would recommend not trying it on your co-players at all.

O 

PAGE OF TIME

Class type: passive

AA: we would like to apologize in advance for your god tier outfit. 

AA: please try to do some thigh workouts or something so your teammates don't have to look at skinny chicken legs all the time. 

Blah blah blah Page of time, blah blah blah, incredible potential blather blather, we all know the music. You are a Page, which means that the game decided that you were a socially awkward wuss. Get your crap together. No, I mean, seriously. As soon as you find yourself, you should be able to unlock all of your really cool pagey-pagey powers and p0wn all the noobs who talked shit about your God-tier speedos, which, by the way, make your ass look amazing.

The Pages have an extremely powerful move set, probably one of the most powerful ones in the game. The only problem is, those moves take forever to unlock, so I recommend you alchemize yourself some pretty good weapons before relying on your powers.

Like all time players, you, of course, can time travel. I mean it would be really sad if you weren't able to do that, come on. You should eventually be able to unlock one of your signature moves, [TIME BOMB]. Now, this move might take quite a while to load, but once it hits, boy does it hit. I've never actually met anyone who knew what it was like to experience it, because everyone who had seen it used was dead. Pretty crazy.

You can also use the move [NOT THIS TIME], that transports a chosen enemy into the past where they'll be harmless. Chances are you already know if you'll use this move or not. If your denizen shows up randomly? [NOT THIS TIME]. Random lady shows up and starts trying to stab you? [NOT THIS TIME]. Don't worry, though, if you sent them back then you survive for long enough to use the move. The only problem with this move is that you can only use it if you're godtier. Sorry.

O 

KNIGHT OF TIME

Class type: ???

Warm. Cuddly. Communicative. These are all words that do not describe a knight of time. Generally people of this Classpect are obtuse assholes who don't know how to hold an honest, emotional conversation to save their lives. Thankfully, they don't need to save their own lives. They need to save the lives of everyone else in their session!

Some classes tend to be concerned about bringing in alternate timeline selves. Knights, I have found, generally aren't. If you're a knight, sorry. You guys don't exactly have the best track record for, you know, not dying. Thankfully, you have a few options to go out with a bang instead of a flicker. Knights have this really awesome move called [EXCALIBURN] which, uh, basically does exactly what it says on the tin? It... Summons a giant sword of fire that only you can wield. It's very cool, just be careful with it! Being a knight, you are bound to use swords as your weapon of predilection. Knight have bonus damage when using any weapon labelled as BladeKind. It's really useful.

Another move is the ability [OUT OF TIME]. It traps your enemies in a handy, portable hourglass. I suggest smashing it quickly, because while imps in an hourglass make for an interesting conversation piece, the move is only temporary. It's proportional to your skills, to be truthful. an experienced Knight we knew once held a group of thirty imps in her hourglass for three years.

AA: haha, that bitch was nuts 

AA: remember when she set your hair on fire, Mahoro? 

EA: I thought we agreed to never talk about Jessica, Dominique. She deserved that arrow to the neck. 

AA: that doesn't mean she wasn't hilarious.

AA: brb, gonna go laugh outside before I break my microphone. 

EA: SHE ATE MY LAST PACK OF RAMEN NOODLES BEFORE I HAD THE CHANCE TO ALCHEMIZE MORE PACKS SHE WAS LITERALLY THE WORST

O

SEER OF TIME

Class type: Passive

Wow, okay. You are a seer of time. How. Are. You. Not. Psyched ?? This classpect is pretty self-explanatory. Your little magic god superpower turns you into one of the greatest, if not the greatest tactician class in the game. Your abilities allow you to see into the fabric of time and observe the future, the past, and alternate timelines. Not only are you able to determine what the future reserves for you, but you should also be able to travel to different timelines and see how to edit them. It’s amazing. You could predict what your friend will have for dinner for the next 25 years. Incredible. It’s probably ramen noodles, but still. Holy crap. That’s amazing.

Okay, by now, you must be *totally psyched*. But wait there’s more! You possess this really cool passive ability (which means that it is always activated) called [ARCHIVE]. In non-video-game language, we call that a photographic memory. You should be able to recollect pretty much anything that has happened since the start of the game, even if you were not there. You should be able to access any memories acquired if you want to. It’s a bit like opening a giant folder and looking for a specific piece of document in it. It’s quite remarkable. The only thing is that Seers of Time are an extremely rare classpect to fall on, making them pretty uncommon. But, hey. They’re fucking awesome. You can’t deny it.

Another cool thing about those amazing mofos is them being able to see the [SANDS OF TIME], which show you when people will die. They can help it, though, but it's really a bad idea. People generally die for a good reason. Or not. Just don't mess with paradox space.

 

O 

MAGE OF TIME

Class type: Active

As a Mage, your class is kind of like a cross between seer and witch. Your class is also glitched as fuck. I apologize, I too am a Mage, but there isn't much you can do. Thankfully, mages of time can do some really cool things as well.

You have one move called [SPILL THE SANDS OF TIME] that's really badass! You can summon all of your doomed timeline selves to fight with you. Only problem is that once your power runs out they turn back to sand, which can be really awkward.

AA: one time this girl tried to get laid with one of her teammates alternate selves, and he turned into sand mid-coitus. Aaaaaawkward. 

EA: hahahahah sand vagina 

AA: you laugh now but I remember when you tried to sleep with [DATA EXPUNGED].

EA: What what sorry I can't read suddenly what wha

You can also take advantage of the glitches in our class and use the move [TIME TO LEAVE] that switches people with their doomed timeline selves, presumably forever. I'm actually not quite sure how long they stay there, but, uh.... the people I've seen vanished haven't come back yet, so it should take a while at least. The move was originally supposed to send someone back to give a message to their former self, but I'm pretty sure a programmer must have been drunk or something while coding this because it doesn't do that at all. I'd advise not using this power unless it's a life or death situation.

AA: Hey, wait, do you know what happened to Gary? Alpha timeline Gary, I mean. 

EA: Nah he's probably dead by now ^( `~` )^

O 

SYLPH OF TIME

 Class type: Passive

The sylph is the most passive class in the existence of the game. Exclusively a support class, sylphs don't have any offensive skills. Don't be upset if you're a sylph, however: you can still be powerful, just not in the stabby way. I'd recommend investing in a set of good weapons. Surgical instruments work the best for some reason: maybe the doctor connection?

A sylph of time can use the move [A STITCH IN TIME]. This adds players from doomed timeline into the alpha timeline, and also "undooms" them. (Is that a word? Can I make that a word?) This can be helpful, but can lead to awkward situations. I wouldn't do this unless as a last resort, as you have to use considerable energy in order to do this. Essentially, you're flicking the middle finger at paradox space. You don't wanna do that unless it's absolutely necessary.

A sylph can also use the move [BEDREST], which gives a chosen player a fully restored health bar. You can't use this move on yourself, sorry. You just need to find the most powerful player on your team and boost them as much as possible. Hope for the best.

O 

WITCH OF TIME

Class type: Active

Yer a Witch, reader! Well, maybe. Witches of time have totally badass powers. If you're a witch of time, you are able to manipulate and sometimes create time. One of your best moves is called [5 MORE MINUTES]. This literally inserts five minutes into the alpha timeline. Be careful not to spam this move, though, because otherwise years can pass and it'll still be your first month in the session.

You can also use the move [COUNT TO THREE]. This creates a bomb-like pocket of an alternate timeline, and it can transfer whoever you want into that timeline for three seconds. It doesn't sound very powerful now, but trust me, you'll want to use this more than you can. This is a move that depends on your power level to move different amounts of people. Try to keep the passenger count down to one small person until you know you can manage it. I would also advise practice, perhaps with consorts, as they tend to be small and also quite nice about being experiments.

****  


O 

BARD OF TIME

Class type: Passive 

A.K.A Time Shenanigan catastrophy waiting to happen, you are Time’s Emissary. I’m not exactly sure of how your classpect functions, but logically, your power should consist in summoning a particular event. I haven’t met a Bard of Time yet, but I had a Bard of Doom in my session, and a Bard of Breath in one of the sessions that I visited, and their abilities consisted in being accompanied by their aspect, the Bard of Doom bringing doom wherever she went, and the Bard of Breath having the ability to summon powerful winds and weather change. Your power should be the ability to trigger a series of events which should technically alter your session’s timeline, or just help you during your quest. I am literally the terriblest writer so you probably should ask your sprite about that sort of shit. 

EA: What even is the Bard class though like honestly 

AA: you know what? I'll write this one, seriously. For someone who was almost a bard you really haven't done much research. 

As a bard, you are required to fuck up the lives of everyone in your session at least once a month. Other than that, though, you actually have an ok class. Most of your abilities are trying to convince your aspect to help you: you don't control it, it controls you. One such ability is [HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME]. It hits things. One more time. Joking aside, it repeats your attack for as long as your strength holds up. I met this bard of time once who would just go around a battlefield, hit everything one time, then repeat this move until he had won the battle. Guy was actually a bit of a psycho, now that I think about it. 

You can also use the move [TOO LATE]. This move slows all of your enemies attacks (or speeds you up? Either works, I guess...). This can be really helpful but it uses up energy fast, so be careful with it. A sudden change in the speed of imp attacks can cause you to lose a limb. Or two.

O 

PRINCE OF TIME

 

Class type: Super duper active 

Wow. Okay. Don’t even get me started on those guys. You are looking at one of the most offensive classpects in the entire game. You clearly don’t want to start a fight with them. This classpect has an incredible arsenal of time-centered attacks it can use to destroy enemies.

One of the most used ones would be [CHRONOSMASH], a move which stops time for about 60 seconds, giving you just about enough time to rack up a sweet combo and get rid of most of your enemies in no time. This move works marvels against groups of small enemies.

EA: I had to fight against a Prince of Time who used a rifle against me once. She tried snapping my neck during her move, but forgot about the bullets that were in suspension during her move and she ended up shooting herself before she could kill me. That was a really close call. It wasn’t pretty, though. I still got 6 bullets to the side. 

EA: Don’t mess with those kids. They’ll fuck you up.

Another great move Time Royalty can use is [RUSH HOUR], which considerably speeds up the player’s movements for a short amount of time. It’s insane. No but seriously don’t mess with those guys their dexterity level is just crazy. I still don’t know how the game developers let this monstrosity of a classpect into the game, but they are way too overpowered, and should be handled with strict care. 


	3. Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is about space. The aspect. That's... it. Yep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may have suspected, updates on tuesdays and thursdays.

\--------------------------------------

 **@**  Aspect 2: Space   **@**

\---------------------------------------

****

**DENIZEN: ECHIDNA**

Please keep in mind with her that with a title like "the mother of all monsters" she could be A LOT WORSE. She's actually pretty decent as a person, as long as you ignore the fact that she will spend basically all of your game trying to kill you. She's really helpful in doomed sessions though, as she is always willing to make a deal with her player- for some reason she was coded with a crazy amount of self preservation, so as long as you accept keeping her and the other denizens alive, she'll help you survive. Just don't go to her expecting a deal, because she will think you're a dick and refuse to help you.

******  
**

**@**

**ROGUE OF SPACE**

Class type: passive

We may have already mentioned this, but rogues are the robin hood of classes. This means that as a rogue of space, you are automatically going to be the best at getting last minute birthday gifts. No, I mean, seriously. Your class is like, the coolest. Your powers allow you to relocate items around the universe and the medium. It's pretty sweet.

Your first special move is called...

EA: Wait, what did Lola say the thing was called? Didn't she make up a really bullshit name for it, or did the game developers actually take the time to type this idiotic name inside the game's code?

AA: I... do I have to write it?

EA: Take one for the team, Dominique. Take one for the team.

AA: ...

(AA: ugh) [ **POOFITY BLAM** ]. I'm so sorry. I am so, so sorry.

I am literally so done with this game. You know you're supposed to say the name of the technique you are using before actually being able to cast it? I mean, you can also think about the name really hard, but seriously. Can you actually imagine yourself having a serious fight with a serious enemy and suddenly yelling **POOFITY BLAM**? Like... What?

[ **POOFITY BLAM** ] relies on your matter redirection powers to work efficiently, which means that you can only use it while in God tier. The technique consists in moving a chunk of superheated gas from somewhere in the infinity frog, and blasting your enemy with it. It does massive damage, but, yeah, the name is kinda lame, so rogues of space don't really use it that much.

You can also use [ **SPACEHOPPER** ], an ability you can use thanks to the Rogue's [ **WALKER** ] ability. [ **WALKER** ] lets Rogues travel through their aspect in both a metaphorical and literal way. It was added to the game because of the Rogue's poor defensive skills, and very little attack. This class mostly relies on using its special abilities to inflict a lot of little quick combos. [ **SPACEHOPPER** ] lets you use teleportation for relatively short distances. The distance you can teleport for is mostly relative to your skills and level on the God-Tier echeladder.

AA: do us a favor, though and have somebody watch you when you're sleeping. I've seen some rogues that space hopped in their sleep, and all of them ended up dead.

EA: I mean, you *can* breathe in the vacuum of space in this game...but...

AA: I was thinking more of that poor guy who teleported into his girlfriends denizens lair. All we could find of him that was still intact was a toenail.

EA: He probably just fucked off the session and went to chill on a deserted planet somewhere outside of the medium. I can't blame him. His girlfriend was crraaaaaazzzayyyyyyy.

AA: I would say you have a point, but the brain matter we found splattered on the floor was definitely his. It even smelled stupid.

EA: ^good point. Just make sure you keep your powers deactivated when you go to sleep or something. Can you even do that? Or is this some passive ability?

AA: it's passive, but I heard from this one rogue that if she was injured when she fell asleep, all of her passive powers deactivated to speed up her healing.

AA: moral of the story: stab yourself before you sleep so you don't die painfully.

EA: I mean I'm just asking, cause, well, I'm a Rogue of Light and the only thing I managed to do with my [WALKER] thingy was just run really fast. Never been teleported to the center of the sun or anything.

AA: that's because you waste your potential. Remember the raw potato incident?

EA: you have a point.

**@**

**THIEF OF SPACE**

Class type: Active

Thief! Stealing shit! AMazinG! No, I mean, do you even KNOW how much shit this Classpects can do? Literally, it's batshit insane!

EA: Yo, remember those tricks Vanessa did with her skateboard? And she went like, *pshooh*. She was so rad.

AA: yeah, right up to when she got cut in half by that railing.

EA: May she rest in peace.

Anyway, your first special move is [ **FINDERS KEEPERS** ] which directs you to the best loot and the surprise imps that are totally loaded with grist. Don't use it too often, though, because then your co-players will want to stab you. Repeatedly. With multiple swords.

You can also use the move [ **BUZZ OFF** ] that makes imps and other npcs forget you exist. Be careful with this though, because it doesn't work on your denizen, it just pisses her off. And you don't want her angry. It also doesn't work on other players.

******  
**

**@**

**HEIR OF SPACE**

Class type: Pretty active I guess

Dang, man, the Space aspect is soooo rad. No but like seriously I don't even think I've ever even met a space player that wasn't rad. My boyfriend was a space player. He was super rad. Like. SO rad. More radical than fucking Al-Qaeda. Amazing people, seriously. The heir class, on the other hand, is attributed to players who need to grow the fuck up. That's your quest. That's it. Your maturity quest is literally about your actual level of maturity. The Heir class is centered around the concept of birth, maturity, and self growth. So, until you pop your kiddie-bubble and decide to actually pick yourself together and realize that you need to embrace your responsibilities, no powers for you.

EA: Darwin was such a spoiled little shit why the fuck did we even let him in our team

EA: oh look at me I'm Darwin my daddy bought me a premium copy of the game so I can brag all day everyday and just spam my shiny cheat code button and make myself grist bluh bluh bluh

EA: ^PS he DIED. Why? Because he was a hUGE ASSHOLE who thought that his fucking premium copy was going to allow him to just sit on his ass and do nothing all day. He never helped his teammates, and the game fucked him over because he never got to finish his maturity quest in time.

AA: WE let him on our team? Because I seem to remember a CERTAIN SOMEONE who was all "ooooooh heirs of space are greeeeeeeeat, they're really easy to level up, we're SURE to win"

EA: That's because I didn't know that he was gonna be a HUGE BITCH for the entirety of the game!!??? Also all the heirs I met before stopped being idiots right when they entered the game because their dad mysteriously disappeared or something how was I supposed to know he was going to be like that come on.

EA: Let's all agree on one thing. Darwin was an idiot. It's his own fault if he got eaten by a Fire imp. Not ours. His.

AA: Not YOURS, his. I refuse to associate myself with you on this.

Anyway yeah Heirs of Space have a huge fucking potential. They are like Pages, except that they don't actually suck. Your main power as a Heir of Space is your ability to create your own gates. Yeah, like, actual gates. I'm not even fucking with you it's an actual thing you can do.  You can only open a certain number at the same time, though, otherwise it'd be too easy. This move is called [ **WORMHOLE** ].You're basically Chell, from Portal, and Skaia is your Aperture Science. I don't know why, Heirs generally have a lot more access to Skaianet than us normal people do. You should be able to find a lot of cool tech that you you could use for a lot of alchemy recipes that can make a really big difference on the battlefield. You also have the [ **SPACEY THING** ], which should let you summon a really cool vortex around you, which will probably confuse the fuck out of your enemies. I don't actually know what it does apart from being an ominous space tornado. I mean, I've only seen it from far away. It was pretty and all, but what was happening in there? Couldn't see a thing. I guess you'll have to figure that out for yourself.

AA: I've been in there, but I was also channeling the void at the time, so I can't tell you exactly what it does either. Sorry.

AA: Are any heirs of space reading this? Could you tell us what happens in there?

******  
**

**@**

**MAID OF SPACE**

Class type: I literally have like, no idea.  Maids are fucking insane man wtf

Okay so let me tell you one thing. As soon as you go God Tier, you are going to kick so much ass, it's going to be legendary. Like. Wow. Maids of Space are just so flipping powerful like, it's literally just so OP. I'm pretty sure that the Maid of Space is the most powerful Maid class you can have with the Maid of Dream, actually. They are just that powerful.

I'm actually pretty sure you can do about anything you want with Space as long as it's not used for destruction. That's the one thing you can't do. Your powers are all defensive, not offensive, but I'm sure you can find a loophole in that. I don't know, teleport the enemy into the sun, or something. I don't think there's a single thing you can't do, right.

Oh, yeah, right, the techniques. One of the most useful abilities of the Maid of Space is [ **BUBBLE UP!** ], a technique that allows you to instantaneously transport relatively small objects by putting them in a bubble-like game construct. I don't think it works on living beings, though (knowing how versatile this class is, you probably will figure something out). If something is too large to get bubbled, the trick is to put it in a CaptchaCard before bubbling it. It makes transport a lot easier.

You can also use the move [ **SPIN CYCLE** ] that sends your opponents into orbit. Or, at least, that's what we've been told it does. This is a super powerful move but you have to warm up to it, it takes at least an hour before the move activates. So if you need to use [ **SPIN CYCLE** ], plan it out beforehand! Don't just use it as a last resort, because you will die before it starts working.

Again, it's all relative to the player's power, but I wouldn't rely on it so much anyway.

**@**

**PAGE OF SPACE**

Class Type: Passive

Did you know that those speedos make your ass look absolutely gorgeous? Your powers function using self confidence! If you think you can do it, you probably can, really!

EA: remember George? The British kid with the glasses?

AA: ??? No?

EA: Duuuude, yes you do! He started wearing wearing contacts after a while and he asked you on a date?

AA: ????

EA: ?? The one with the ridiculously hairy legs? Who accidentally poured tea all over his crotch and everyone thought he peed himself??

AA: OOOOOOH, crotch guy!

EA: omfg you're such a horrible person but yes that kid.

EA: apparently he really got his shit going on now, heh?

AA: heh??????????

EA: I think he has a girlfriend now? I was like 90% sure he was gay

AA: thank god it isn't me. Also, SAME

EA: don't say that he had an amazing personality!

AA: then YOU can date him, I am happy to avoid tea crotch forever.

So, apart from all the amazing butts and everything your class is pretty cool. After a few years. I guess. I think? Like our friend George unlocked his powers like 4 years after he entered the medium but he was really rad like he fought with a giant teacup??

EA: I swear this kid was so British wtf

AA: if you say so.

Yeah he wasn't that memorable but he was a great friend. No I'm not typing this to make pages feel better. What are you saying? There are LOTs of things pages can do! Like, [ **ASTRAL PROJECTION** ]! Astral projection is literally the coolest like you create this gigantic power-ranger megazord avatar around you and you kick so much ass!!! I mean like it does take a few years to master but if you're optimistic like, the years pass by really fast! You can even hang out with all of your cool friends and go on adventures with them in the meanwhile! also to become God tier you have to die! Who needs dying, right? So weird! You're great :) :) :) !

You can also use the powerup [ **SPACE CADET** ] that doubles all of the damage given by your attacks. Just remember: two times zero is still zero. Please build up your physical abilities, lying just rely on your powers, because if you wait for god tier to do anything your session will die.

******  
**

**@**

**KNIGHT OF SPACE**

Class type: active

This Classpect is one of the most versatile in the game, because space is a passive aspect but knight is an active class. This means that as long as you're creative about things, you should be able to kick some serious ass.

One of your cooler moves is [ **FIELD IT** ]. It increases the gravitational field around you to extreme levels until your power runs out or you release the move. The gravitational field increase does not affect you or anything you're holding, but it does crazy things to imps or other denizens. Just remember: it doesn't affect Echnida, so don't even try. It'll piss her off.

EA: Echidna is such a bad bitch honestly though like how hardcore is she

AA : I'm...not sure if her hardcore level is quantifiable. I'll consult with the horrorterrors, brb.

EA: wAIT NO DONT DO THAT

AA: too late

EA: DOMINIQUE LITERALLY,,,,, ????

AA: she is, and I quote, "the baddest respectable woman because we do not use the b word to refer to Echnida"

EA: Are you kidding? Please be kidding.

AA: I'm not kidding. Btw, they said that you left your satchel behind at our last safehouse, they returned it to me.

EA: DOMINIQUE I SWEAR TO GOD you know very well what happened the LAST TIME you asked anything to the horrorterrors

EA: they probably hacked our dream IP coordinates or whatever fucking juju those things use anyway

EA: I'm moving the trajectory's coordinates

EA: I don't want to be space-calamari dinner no I don't fuck that shit

AA: calm your tits, Oglogoth and I have an understanding. He really likes ramen.

EA: yOU HAVE WHAT

Moving on, another really cool move knights of space can do is the move [ **BITCH GET OUT OF THE WAY** ] which can teleport one of their fellow players. The problem is, instead of focusing on where the player is supposed to end up the move focuses on where the player isn't supposed to be. Admittedly, it's helpful if someone is in front of a deadly meteor or something, but the destinations are always really, really weird.

 

******  
**

**@**

**SEER OF SPACE**

Class type: Passive

You are a seer of space. I'm so sorry. Your seer vision must look like the shittiest acid trip Jesus Christ. At least, you have a lot of abilities you can use to your team's advantage. Like, [ **I SEE YOU** ], for example, which lets you observe space around you. The move creates some kind of dream-ghost of yourself that can travel around and go through walls and everything. It's pretty cool. It' said bit like being in spectator mode in a video game, I guess. The only thing is, you can't move while doing it, as your body stays in some sort of catatonic state for the entirety of the move until you decide to wake up.

EA: I think I heard about a girl who forgot that she was dreaming and stayed asleep for like, a week or two. When she woke up, she was seriously dehydrated and had to take a two day break from playing the game.

EA: I wonder if you can still use that thing when you die. You know. Just live your life as a cool ghost, I guess.

AA: hey I think I might have met that seer of space in the void last time I went to fix the servers.

AA: blonde, right? With sparkly clothes?

EA: Maybe? I've only heard about some people being able to do it, but I've never actually seen her.

AA: well, she was definitely dead, she was yelling something about a rogue of light.

AA: are you sure you didn't kill her at some point?

EA: :O I would NEVER

AA: ...

You can also use the powerup [ **PLAN IT** ] in conjunction with the time player of your session. You can understand the plans of your enemies and counteract them. When you use [ **PLAN IT** ] you're actually altering your situation so that you are using the powers of a mind player- only instead of just understanding plans, you can change circumstances so that those plans are never made at all. As always, be careful with this, because you can seriously fuck shit up if you aren't paying attention. The fabric of space and time is nothing to play games with.

AA: I'm looking at you, Madeline.

EA: Jesus back flipping Christ was that girl a control freak or what?

AA: look, once someone literally destroys the fabric of space and time in order to go back and change your clothes because you were CLASHING, classification as a control freak is kind of a given.

AA: honestly, I've always just wondered why Samantha went along with it in the first place. She was usually pretty chill about everything.

AA: maybe she really did have a crush on Madeline?

EA: I know right, who even does that? Also, dude, yeah ? Wasn't Samantha like the biggest lesbian in the session, like ,,,?

EA: Didn't she admit using that to make Jonathan not date Sabrina and date her instead?

AA: man, the relationships in that session were a massive clusterfuck.

EA: Agreed.

**@**

**MAGE OF SPACE**

Class type: Active

Mage of Space is a super awesome class! Mages are like a combination of Seer and Witch- basically, you know what’s going to happen and you have the power to change it. This class is powerful enough that the developers tried to delete it, but it didn’t work so instead it’s just glitchy as fuck. This means that some of your moves are WAY TOO POWERFUL. Be careful. Your first special move is [ **PUT IT BACK** ]. This makes any legendary weapons or powerups of other players to return to where they originally were. This tends to piss people off when it’s used too often, though, given that people put a lot of work into finding the best powerups and weapons. Only use this as a last resort. The move also has a secondary ability that lets you know what legendary items or game constructs people are able to use, so you might want to just work with that a while.

Another move you can use is [ **SPRITELY** ]. This can merge you with the sprites of your coplayers. This merging gives you information about how the game works and gives you the powers of a game construct without you actually having to BE a game construct. Only problem is, you’re stuck with whatever was in the sprite before you used the move, forever. Choose wisely if you use this! I once met a girl who was stuck with tentacles everywhere. Her coplayer had prototyped the emissary of the horrorterrors for their world and she had been stupid enough to use [ **SPRITELY** ] on the resultant freak of nature. Seriously, be VERY CAREFUL.

**@**

**SYLPH OF SPACE**

Class Type: Passive

As sylph of space, you should invest in several very durable weapons, as the game doesn’t give you any offensive powerups. None. Zip. Zilch. You’re on your own on this one. You DO, however, have some pretty good defense moves. Your first move is [ **DUAL STAR SYSTEM** ], which feeds your power into the abilities of other players. This works best with the time player, because it gives the time player space powers too and they can kick some serious ass. You need to have someone to guard you if you use this move, though, because once the move is finished you’ll be completely helpless. I knew a girl who died like that once.

AA: It would have been tragic if she hadn’t died from falling into a cheese jacuzzi.

AA: Who even makes a cheese jacuzzi? That was a really weird session.

EA: *sweats profusely* I dunno do you know I dunno what cheese jacuzzi I've never been to a cheese jacuzzi before I mean what's the use of a cheese jacuzzi right because I certainly did not to this cheese jacuzzi before I mean what was I gonna do jump in there with a bunch of tortilla chips like who'd do that Jesus not me

EA: never been there before

Another move you can use is [ **BACKSPACE** ]. This reverses the effects of the last enemy attack upon any player in your team, including yourself. Yes, you heard me right. This is the one and only move you can use to your own benefit. Do not use it sparingly. Spam this fucking move. SPAM IT. Otherwise you will die and your coplayers will be too lazy to even give you a shitty funeral. I mean, you could also use [ **BACKSPACE** ] to “help others” and “be a team player” but pfffft. You’re a sylph, you spend like your whole life helping the team. You might as well enjoy the one move you can use for yourself.

**@**

**WITCH OF SPACE**

Class Type: Active

We seriously need a Witch of Space protection squad because seriously they are such cutie pies omg. Remember Alexis?

AA: Lemme think, I’m kinda hazy on that session...

EA: Dominique you can't just keep forgetting people like that we literally crashed in her house for like 2 and a half weeks that is so insensitive

AA: OH! frog slipper kid, right?

EA: Yes. "frog slipper kid". That's her. Her sprite was a frog. Yes. It is her. The frog girl. With all the frog furniture. And the frog pet. Frog girl.

Well anyway, I've literally never met any Witch of Space that wasn't a pure cinnamon roll of amazing and I honestly believe that they are the best living beings and *squeals*. Too bad Alexis fell into the forge and died. I'm pretty sure I could have asked Echidna to do something about it since she kinda lives in there? But heh. "Effort". "Responsibilities". "Empathy" I kinda lost those after the 7th year of saving irresponsible children. She was a nice lady. Anyway, let's not get off topic. As a witch of space, your powers will center around change and movement. The only thing is, those powers are extremely powerful, and are very hard to control. You will have to train with extreme dedication in order to unlock your full potential.

I swear, why does everyone always think that as soon as they reach God tier, they'll just *wake up* with the powers and knowledge of how all of it works and just be able to just move entire planets across the galaxy and tap your energy from the center of the universe and just be this super powerful entity like, I'm sorry, that never happens. EVER. You need to train, regularly, and diligently.

If you DO want to move things across time and space, though, you can use the move [ **FOURTH WALL** ]. IDK what that refers to, but basically you throw whatever it is you want across a different dimension and it ends up where you want it to. Another move that requires buildup is [ **BIBBITY BOBBITY** ].

AA: Seriously, what is it with space players and stupid powerup names?

This transforms people into pumpkins. Not vegetables, not inanimate objects, pumpkins. Why are pumpkins so important? Beats me. If you use this, though, BUILD UP TO IT. Go sit under a waterfall if helps or something, just don't try to use your powers for anything too big unless you really have to. You could end up creating some serious damage to the fabric of space itself and hurt your Galaxy Frog, badly. Remember: The Galaxy Frog's health is crucial to your session's success. An unhealthy Galaxy frog can result in truly catastrophic events. Make sure you don't damage your session by accidentally damaging one of the Frog's key organs.

**@**

**BARD OF SPACE**

Class Type: Passive

You are, quite possibly, the weirdest classpect combination ever. I have only met one bard of space and he was NUTS, so just take everything I say with a grain of salt.

Throughout the game, you’ll tend to create space unconsciously, whether that means cleaning absentmindedly or leaving whenever more than three people are in a room at one time.

Your first powerup is related to this- it’s called [ **I NEED SOME SPACE** ]. It violently throws back everyone in a certain radius of you when you use it. The more powerful you are, the larger the radius. The bard we met was so powerful that his radius was larger than the planet he was on so he just ended up killing everyone on the entire planet. That’s right. The. Entire. Planet. Thankfully we were both revived, but seriously. Talk about overpowered.

Another move you can use is [ **STARDUST** ]. This gives you a view of the power bars of everyone in the session, and also allows you to alter them physically. You can just go up to people and break their health bar. It’s SO WEIRD.

EA: That move is really weird though it's super glitchy

EA: Like it just creates an annoying amount of sugary glitches everywhere around the user and I don't actually think they go away so please don't do that

Be careful with this class, because you can do a LOT of strange things without meaning to. You mess with the fabric of space and time unconsciously, that’s not something you should take lightly.

 

**@**

**PRINCE OF SPACE**

 

Class Type: VERY ACTIVE

This class isn’t as crazy as Prince of Time, since the space aspect is a passive aspect, but you can still do some crazyass shit.

An example of this is the move [ **SUPERNOVA** ]. What does this do, you ask? Oh, nothing much. Just EXPLODES A PLANET OF YOUR CHOICE INTO A MASSIVE FLAMING BALL OF WRECKAGE. This is a CRAZY move and you should NEVER use it. NEVER. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Unless you’re dealing with, like, a first guardian or some shit, this is never going to be necessary. No.

EA: SERIOUSLY WHO EVEN CODES THAT SHIT LIKE CAN THEY NOT SEE THE OBVIOUS EXCESSIVE POWER IN THAT THING LIKE WHAT?

EA: 12 YEAR OLDS PLAY THIS GAME WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN

A move that’s slightly more usable is [ **SUPERSTAR** ]. It increases your intimidation levels exponentially. And, by the way, if you don’t have an intimidation bar and you’re a prince, what the fuck. Every prince I’ve ever met has had one, it’s really annoying. When you use [ **SUPERSTAR** ], it’ll make everyone scared of you, even if they know better. Except your denizen. Don’t use this on her. Actually, don’t use any powerups on her. Just let her kill you. It’ll help us all.

Seriously, if you’re a prince of space, stop reading this and go and kill people or something, you don’t need any help.

 

 


	4. Void

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's this, you ask? Nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tuesdays and Thursdays, you know the drill!

\--------------------------------------

Aspect 3: Void

\---------------------------------------

(There is nothing here)

 

DENIZEN: NYX

Oh, yes. Let's talk about Nyx. She is the COOLEST LADY EVER. This is because we void players have to deal with the horrorterrors too, so she doesn't have to be as murdery as some denizens. Plus she really cares about her players! Idk why, they must have made a a mistake with her coding. Anyway, you don't really have to fight her to complete your heroic quest, you just have to, like, fetch her a bunch of stuff, I'm not even kidding. It's all "my teacup has been borrowed by Gl'Bygolyb, will you go get it from her?" and "please deliver these cupcakes to Oglogoth for me". It's great! Just don't get eaten in the furthest ring, they get a bit hungry all the way out there.

ROGUE OF VOID

Class type: passive

You're a rogue! Good for you!  This is really cool because you can use your powers in a constructive way instead of just destroying everything in your path. One example of this is [NOTHING OF MINE]. You can summon objects that other players have disappeared! This is really useful because players from other aspects can't take/destroy your shit, you can just summon it when it disappears.

Your other supercool move is [NONE PIZZA LEFT BEEF], which summons any food you want, as long as you've eaten it before. It works in conjunction with [NOTHING OF MINE], and I'm not exactly sure why it works with a different code than it, but it just does. Food in this game is really weird, guys. It's really stupid.

AA: ????

AA: At least it isn't as stupid as some space player powerups.

EA: The amount of Wizard of Oz puns in this game is just fucking insane

Oh, and let's not forget your cool passive ability, [WALKER]! Just to refresh your memory, the [WALKER] ability lets the Rogue travel through it's aspect in order facilitate the use of their powers. This means that, if you try hard enough, you should be able to phase through walls. If you don't know what phasing is, it basically let's you go through things, like a ghost, I guess. You get to go through walls and make a cool Star Wars wooshing every time you touch something. Amazing.

THIEF OF VOID

Class type: active

Omg, this class is so cool. Basically you steal nothingness, which means you bring things into existence! Just like with the rogue, you have a chance to actually create things instead of just destroying shit.

One move like this is [OPEN ARMS] which summons back the dead dreamselves of your friends. Yes, you heard me correctly. Is this cool or what! You can't summon back your actual friends, but since dreamselves are game constructs you can bring them back to life, no problem.

AA: as usual with resurrection abilities, don't even try on the real bodies of your friends.

AA: you'll have enough nightmares already by the time you're finished with this game.

EA: Also, this probably is a really glitched move, so I advise you don't use it too much. You never know what could happen.

Another move is [YOU DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING]. This clears the memories of your coplayers if you want it to. Don't use it too much though, because it can leave lasting damage after a while.

EA: Oooooooh, I remember that!

EA: Didn't this girl debilitate her entire session using this thing? And she kept making paradox copies of her friends? That girl was creepy as shit.

EA: What was her name again? Did she even give us a name?

H͠e̢i͝r͡ ̷o̸f ̶Voi͜d.

Class type: Active.

Sorry, kid. I don't know who you are, but I do know that your next couple of months are gonna suck. The void is really receptive to you, and it kinda acts like an overprotective parent to you. Got dumped? The ex has now been disappeared. Got sick? All bacteria have ceased to exist. Need therapy? You're getting a heart to heart with several thousand h͉̿̿͑͝ó̘͈̠̰͙̻͖ͮ͂̃͐̚r̝̖̩̘̮͚̐̚r̳̮̊̎ͪ̍ͩͅo͎̘͍ͮͭ̌r͈̲͔̎̌̌ͪ̎̇͞t̜̓̋̾̉̄͆͋ě̴̯͂̚r̨̙̩̘̳̰̭̞ṟ̞̼o̹̺̙̹̩̗ͭ͌̒̓ͅr̵̟̥̖̪̖̩̀s̶͇͎͇̭̻ͬ̋̋̒ͅ.̝͚̤̀̊ͫ̾͑ͥ.

AA: I don't usually take the name of this guide as a saying, but:

AA: you're fucked.

EA: Trust us on this one. Being a H̜̩̺̯̱͉̞͎͉̗̬̪̳ͩ͒ͥ̃͆͊̃̎̐ͅe̫̜̰̭̩̙̙͕̭͔̺͗͒͌̐͂̄̀i̮̺͍̝̬̝͕̎̉̊̈́̇̎̄͆͛ͩ̌̀͆̓ͫ͆ͣr̼̤̮̟̺̥̥̞̖̤͊̈́̿̐̉̂̾̆̏͊̂̚ ̝͎̗̬͓̣͈̺̙̘̳̯̙͚̞̘͖̞̅̓̇ͥ̽̇ͬ͗͊͋ͬͫ̈́̏͊͛͆ͯô͉̥̜̥̣̞̦͕̫̮̝̫̲ͫ̈͂̆̎͌͐ͪ̿͌̆͆ͫ́ͤ̓̑f̠̩͔̪̫̣̗͎̳̱̬̙̀̔͊̓̂ͤ͗ͅͅ ͙͎͍̝̹̙̝̤̏̓͒̿̇͛̅̄̈́V̳̙̟̗̖̻ͧͣͫ̎̅͒̇̈́͋̐̿͐̉͑̄ͥ̾ͤo̦̲̦͍̯̿̽̽̓̈̓̿ͣ̀͊ͦ̏ͧi͎̲͚̣͍͓̣͎̭̜̲͓͖̟͖̜̠͔ͮ͒̊ͤ̀̒ͣͤ̅̂d̟̰̼̤̜͕̯̝̲̪̫̺̪̟̄̑̿̉͗ͧ͗ͧ̐ͣ͆̈́ͅ is NOT something you should be proud of.

EA: According to the [RULES OF THUMB], your class embodies your aspect, making you the living embodiment of Void, and a perfect c҉a̢ndi̷date to be the Ĥ͖̲̮̗̼̠̞ͦo͈͍̞̖̤̓̑ͪ̍ͤ̈ͅr̖r͈̍ͩŏ̥̑̾̓͊ͧr̹̥͙̗̬͔̜̎̆̊ẗ̙͕̲̻̠͍ẽ̗̙̻͈͖̤̭ͦͣ̉̋̏r̬̻̎ͮ̀́ͮͯr̯̼͙ͬͨ́o͙̐ͦ̅r͖̼̼͔̗̍ș̱ͯͫ̐̉̃͒'̺̫̣̗̞̄ͫͅ ̲͔͚̠͍̱ͧ̎̏̃̉̈́̑F̩͇̲̖̦͉̔ǒ̮͋ͦ̎̉řͦ̋e͙̘͈̻ͅr̩̲̤̥u̦̦̰̤̞̤̍̂̒ͥn͓̰͋̉̊̉nͨ̍ͤe̘͚ͦr̪͍̲͉̟̂̔̓. Y̷̒̓̀͆ͩo̽̌̄ͨͤ͢ũ̋ͦͦ̚͟ ͭͦ̍̇͂aͮ͡ŗͪ̊̃ͩ̈̅e̊ͦ͏ iͫ͗ͭṅ̂͗̋ ̏̉̀̉̂̂̓g͗͊ͯ͌̓̏̂r͑͆ͪ̒̾̚ë́̾á̵ͥ̎̚t̵͌̌ ̀̌̏̊̄dͭ̍ͮ̍͗҉a̴ͬn̑gͧͨͧͩ̑eͧ͐r̨̄̈.́ͯ. For more information, P̹͎̣̂̀̏ͮ̈́̄͛ͯ̍̂ͭ̅ͨl̖͎͍͔̲͇̥͍̰͈̞̦̻̝̠̬̇͆̾̆e͓̯̘̯̝͍̰͔̱̤̠̣̫̩̫͎͙ͫ̆̎̂ͪͣ́̚̚ͅa̫͍̪̜̞̯̰̩̖̹̞̠̤̲̜̼̭̋ͣͥ̽̔ͦ̏̌̓͐̓ͬ͆̔̌ͬͩŝ͕̤̣͈̮͈̝̞̥̘̤̫͓͙͉͔̝̐̄ͥͮ̂̉̓͂͊̽̐̓ͮ͆ͧ̽̐͑ĕ͕̩̣̗͌͗͌̈́͗͒ͭͭͨ refer to this chapter on corruption [x].

At least you have a few cool moves! One of these is [WHO?]. Your arrogance meter has to be maxed out to use this move, but it basically erases a coplayer from existence. This can't be undone, though, so you may want to reconsider using it. Of course, if you're able to max your arrogance meter in the first place then you probably aren't even reading this, but whatever.

Another move is [THE VOIDEY THING]. This disappears everything in sight and relocates it to the horrorterrors (you probably shouldn't do that)(you should totally do that). It manifests itself as a kind of tornado, it's pretty rad.

EA: A *vortex. It's a vortex. Not a tornado. A vortex. There is no wind involved. You are literally sucking everything around into a whirlpool of doom. Do NOT use this move unless you really need to, and only use it as a last resort. Using void powers messes with the code really bad, and can permanently damage your galaxy frog and your session.

AA: lol, just cause light players can't do shit doesn't mean you should be afraid of the VOIDEY thing, Mahoro. It's not like anyone's ever died from it before.

AA: well, except for that one guy.

AA: and that other one

AA: and that one group of players

AA: actually a lot of people have died from it, but whatever.

EA: seriously why am I letting you write this thing you are going to kill all the children, Dominique.

AA: lol nah. None of my future selves have come to tell me to stop writing this, so I should be fine.

Future AmaranthineAmusement joined the Chat at: 09:31:27

FAA: WAIT SHIT NO ABORT MISSION

FAA: DO NOT EAT THAT PUMPKIN

AA: lol too late

FAA: haha just trolling

FAA: we're awesome

AA: hell yes

FAA: *high fives past self*

AA: *is high fived*

EA: I swear to god I am going to jump out of this ship into the void and never come back and let you drive this contraption by yourself

FAA: spoiler alert: he doesn't jump out of this ship into the void.

AA: oh. bummer.

EA: Wait. Since when does the server support time paradoxes?

AA:I̙̫̮d̦͟k̯͇̫͙

FAA: I͇̕̕͢t̸͕̻̹̮ ͙̞͘͢s̥͙̣̘̻h͕̥͚̞̼͢͠ͅo̫̯̠͡u̵̼̠̺̖̭̳̼l̛̬͖̰̯̖̺̕d͏̙͇ ̨͖̜̺̲͚̙̙͘s̫̬̳͕̯t̯a̺̣̭̦̻͎̝̠r̖̹̦̝͟t̬̯̤͜͠ ͍̠͓̱b̷̗̫͉͘r̰̜̱̰̼̤̳̻ͅe̵̴̲̟a̷̖̗̖͖̳̕͡ķ͕̥͞i̯̕n̡̝̗̭̜̠͢g͏̥̪͍ ̥̣͉̦̤͘͠d̛̺̫̠̩͠o͔̬w̖̼̣̤ǹ̵͕̦͍͍͙ͅ ̸̵͍̺̜̰̟a̳̥͕̯̥̜̳n͉̜̻y̷̢̜ ̶͎͝m̳̫̭̝̟͖̠í̢̟͈̣̻̩̖͔̰͘n̜̮̹̩̻ù̡̗̱t͕̬̱͍͈͖̩͓͝e̷̪̲̗͉̟͖̹ ̴̺͓̫̯͉͠n͎̜̻o͇̟͇̪̰w͎͠.̤͉̲͇̯̪̕ͅ.̠̤.̘͢͡

AA:S̡̝̮̯̲̘̙̺̳̦̬̙̟̖͈̺̫̝̗̲͞h̷̟͚̳͖̤̀ì̷̶̶̩̜̱̞̤̲̻̺͈͘t̴̡̝̺̯̝͟͠

 

MAID OF VOID

Class type: I give up

What is it with you void players and horrorterrors corruption? Did you not read the memo? Horrorterrors are NOT creatures to be associated with! The only thing they are good for is using you for their own advantage. As a maid of void, your role is to make sure that what is supposed to be void remains void. I don't know what that means, but it is supposed to be extremely important. There are thousands of lines about this mythological aspect in the [GREAT TABLETS] that are yet to be deciphered, and honestly, it looks like you are in a doozy.

The normal player has about 5 or 6 tablets of code in which your classpect and mythological role are written in a supercompact, eldritch language written by the Creators back when they were still making the game. Each letter is charged with incredible power and contains a spell unique to your classpect. Again, the average player doesn't generally have more than 5 or 6 tablets(they're pretty big.). The Maid Of Void has 41 of them, and what seems to be 3 special tablets written in a different color.

I don't know what it means, but it looks like your existence revolves around a greater, extremely complex scheme. I am only a helper. Whether or not you want to understand it is up to you.

AA: wait seriously did I not tell you we figured it out?

EA: ?... Jess and I have been working on this thing for months what do you mean you figured it out?

AA: well at book club the other day Oglogoth was going over his issues with his ex-wife, and he was going ON and ON about her servants and how they were SO RUDE

AA: so I, like, asked him about it in more depth and apparently maids of void have to do an internship with one of the members of the higher circle before going godtier it's super intense.

AA: and also you have to save a dying universe or something?

AA: I kinda tuned out by that point lol, Oglogoth doesn't know when to stop talking

AA: it's ok though I'm sure you'll be fine

AA:  : P

EA: brb hyperventilating

EA: just

EA: give me a second

EnigmaticHallows violently smashed his computer against the wall at: 10:29:37

\----------

EnigmaticHallows joined the chat at: 10:34:49

EA: I'll alchemize a new holo-watch, it's fine. it's fine. Everything's fine.

Again, very little is known about the maid class apart that they are part of this league of prophetized guardians of the universe and they are probably super heroes. And since the void is already super cryptic, I have no idea what kind of strange super-hero business the Maid of Void may do.

PAGE OF VOID

 

Class Type: Passive

This one was a bit more interesting than usual.

I met a Page of Void in my precedent session who had mastered his powers entirely after a few years of training. He managed to make everybody in his session forget that he existed, and moved his planet on a different plane of existence where he could watch over his session without them knowing about him anymore.

When Dominique and I arrived to their session, he teleported to our ship and Introduced himself as "The Eye That Watches". He proved himself to be extremely helpful to our works, and restocked our food provisions. He was, though, a very reserved man, and only rarely talked about himself. I'm not exactly sure what his deal was, but he was obsessed about being as "small and invisible as possible". He actually erased himself from the memories of most of the players and carapacians on our ship. But hey, he was pretty helpful.

Here is the information he gave me about the Page of Void class:

“The void aspect is essentially a Debug abstraction that was implemented into the game a few days after the Alpha testing period of the game. As a void player, you may experience some minor difficulties with glitches as your aspect is ironically glitched itself.

Pages of Void represent the unnoticed potential of what was previously thought to be irrelevant. They personify all that is hidden, forgotten and blah blah blah blah,"

AA: yeah that's when I stopped taking notes and started doodling

AA: I drew a really nice whale!

EA: Dominique you can't just interrupt my monologue like that that's so inconsiderate of you

EA: Also I actually listened to the whole thing because unlike some other members of the team, I actually am interested in Game Lore and Constructs.

AA: lol can't hear you over how much fun I'm having not bein a total nerd BP .

EA: If know. That's why I made a *recording* of his speech because I knew he was going to erase our memories afterwards anyway.

AA: wait, was that the tape with "don't touch" written all over it in red pen?

EA: Don't tell me that--

AA: cause I put pitch perfect 2 on there

EA: (oh my god)

EA: brb I'm going to cry on the front deck

EA: If you need me I'll be with Colonel Snuggles complaining about my very existence.

AA: *pats back awkwardly* uh

AA: do you wanna watch pitch perfect 2?

AA: since we have it recorded and all

EA: Wait

EA: Aren't your powers centered around recovering lost memories and game abstractions?

AA: wrong section of the chapter, bub.

EA: YOU COULD LITERALLY SNAP YOUR FINGERS AND RECOVER MY RECORDING WHAT DID YOU DO

AA: pitch perfect 2 > lameass recordings of skinny dudes with unshaved legs

EA: oh

EA: my god

EA: you know what just

EA: just

EA: *starts crying*

AA: wait shit no

AA: emotions make me uncomfortable

AA: do you want ice cream or something

EA: Dominique

EA: I really need this piece of information. God only knows when we will be able to meet T.E.T.W again. The man knew ALL THE SECRETS OF THE VOID

EA: He probably could have given us a PROPER WAY OF FIGHTING THE FUCking h͉̿̿͑͝ó̘͈̠̰͙̻͖ͮ͂̃͐̚RRo͎̘͍ͮͭ̌r͈̲͔̎̌̌ͪ̎̇͞t̜̓̋̾̉̄͆͋ě̴̯͂̚r̨̙̩̘̳̰̭̞ṟ̞̼o̹̺̙̹̩̗ͭ͌̒̓ͅr̵̟̥̖̪̖̩̀s̶͇͎͇̭̻ͬ̋̋̒ͅ.̝͚̤̀̊ͫ̾͑ͥ

EA: WE'VE BEEN RUNNING AWAY FROM THE GREAT COUNCIL FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS, DOMINIQUE

EA: WHY AM I EVEN STILL HERE ? WHAT IS THE POINT OF WORKING ON THIS? YOU THINK IM DOING THIS FOR FUN? GrEAT WHAT IF I JUST *REPLACED* ALL OF THE GALAXY FROG INFORMATION WE'VE BEEN RECORDING FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS OF EXPLORATION

EA: WHAT IF I JUST DID THAT? THATS RIGHT. LEtS JUST fuCKING ERASE ALL OF THE CHAPTERS OF THE SBURB GUIDE WHY THE FUCK NOT NOT LIKE YOU WOULD EVEN CARE WOULD YOU??

AA: UGH if it's SO IMPORTANT to you then I'll just text him and get the cliff notes

AA: also, hello?

AA: void player?

AA: with knowledge powers?????

AA: right here???

AA: that could tell you whatever you want to know??????????????

AA: also we could possibly make a truce with the council if one of us married a horrorterror

AA: but I'm sure as hell not volunteering

EA: you have his phone number???? ??,,??

AA: yeah void player support group every Saturday at 12

AA: where did you think I was going????.

EA: Game night at Jenny's apartment? Some weird alcoholic thing? Secret werewolf club?

AA: nah that's Thursdays at 6

Anyway. From what we know from observing The Eye That Watches using his powers, you seem to be able to create pocket dimensions that work a bit like two-way mirrors, meaning that while you can observe the outside world, the outside world cannot see you. A bit like batman watching over Gotham. This move is called [GHOST GOSSIP].

Your other move is [BACK IT UP] . You seem to also have the ability to erase code from the game's matrix, which is seriously overpowered. Be careful when you're doing that. That sounds seriously dangerous.

 

KNIGHT OF VOID

 

Class type: Active

EA: Hey, I actually know about this one! Hah!

AA: great, I'm out.

AA: see ya

EA: oh wow.

Anyway, as you may already know, I (Mahoro) work with a team of players in order to understand the point of the game and why it was created. A few months ago, we discovered a seriously helpful game abstraction located in the Genesis Frog's head called the Infinity

AA: wait no I have to come back

AA: haven't we already... Gone over how boring this is

AA: just tell them about their powerups dude, no need to get all EXPOSITORY

EA: Dominique, It's not just about the power ups. It's about them being able to clearly understand how their classpect functions.

EA: I'm probably going to create a chapter talking about the classes and aspects themselves.

EA: that way, I'll be able to talk about everything with more depth, explaining the secrets of the known universe and the cosmos. Yes. Yes.

AA: that's a cool idea, you can talk about void there instead of here

AA: Dominique: out

AA: pchoooooooooooo

EA: aaaaaaaaaand she's gone.

Anyway, your first powerup is the ability [NO]. You create a barrier out of pure nothingness. This is a purely defensive move though, so if you want to kill someone via air deprivation do it the normal way and strand them in the endless vacuum of space.

Your other ability is the move [NULL AND VOID] that neutralizes any other ability. That’s right. The annoying bard in your session? Can’t do shit to you anymore. You’re welcome.

 **  
**  

SEER OF VOID

 

Class type: passive

You are one glitched motherfucker. As a class, this type is the most likely ever to be corrupted by the horrorterrors. Sorry.

At least you have some cool moves! One of these is [OPERATION UNREACHABLE]. It stops any powerups from working at all. It’s super useful, but it also really pisses people off, so be careful with it. The move also shows you all the possible powerups of your enemies. I once knew this chick who just spammed this move forever, even using it on Nyx.

AA: the craziest part of the story is that it WORKED.

AA: Seriously, what the hell.

You can also use the ability [DARK’NESS DEMENTIA]. This move shows your opponent everything they have been ignoring and everything they don’t want to know. It either forces them into insanity or into an intense emo phase. It's very powerful. You should be careful not to use it on anyone you actually like, as the effects are irreversible except by a sylph of mind or a witch of heart.

AA: an argument could be made that an intense emo phase _is_ insanity.

 

MAGE OF VOID

Class type: ?? 

If you meant "Glitched motherfucker" by "Mage of Void" then yeah, you're right. The Mage of void is both the coolest and worst class you can get. You don't believe me? Fine. The void is basically the essence of everything that is lost, hidden, and that is nothing. What does that mean? That means that things you were not supposed to find will find you. That's right. You are a walking lost and found. Your friend can't find their phone? Oh yeah. It was in your pocket all along. All those cheap pens that people lose all the time? Yeah. The Void player has them. Be careful to explain this to your friends first. They might accuse you of stealing their things.

One cool move you can use is [BLANK SPACE].(so is it gonna be forever? Or is it gonna go DOWN IN FLAMES) When you use this move, you replace a tangible object with a swirling embodiment of the void that sucks in everything near it. (What do you mean that's not cool?) (It's totally cool)

You can also use the move [SECRET KEEPER]. This move tells you the information that everyone does not want you to know (how ironic). Unfortunately, this is a passive move so until you have full control of your powers you'll learn more about the lives of your friends than you EVER wanted to know.

AA: shudder

EA: Well,

EA: It's more of a thing that lets you know anything that's hidden from you. If that makes sense.

EA: But yeah, this isn't exactly how I wanted her to learn about my rubber ducky collection.

AA: it wasn't the duckies, it was what you did with them.

AA: oh, god. Lemme go find a prince of mind to make me forget.

EA: Dearest readers this is *not* what you think it is

AA: it's not what you think it is. It's worse.

EA: IT WASNT THAT BAD I HAD ONLY TWO CANS OF WHIPPED CREAM

AA: stop, you're just embarrassing yourself. Get your foot out of your mouth.

EA: I'm just going to assume this is one of your strange english expressions because that is truly disgusting.

As you might already know, your Mythological role is glitched as fuck. It's like the guys who made the game deleted half the Void's source code but then forgot to actually remove the darn aspect! They also did the same thing to Mages as a class. Isn't that so retarded? That also means your dream self will be the last one to awake. And it also means that you are the most susceptible player to corrupt, as you don't have any firewalls in your code. Another nice thing is the fact that half of your data is missing. That means the game will get some random data from the game, and give it to you as a replacement for a missing speed bar, for example. It's a bit less cool when you end up with something like [VIBRATION] or [STRESS]. Punching the bugged gauge in the snout to expose your evident superiority won't work. Believe me. I tried.

AA: public service announcement: PLEASE STOP PUNCHING MY STRESS BAR IN THE SNOUT. THAT MEANS YOU, MAHORO. It’s been broken like 12 times now, and I have to ask the horrorterrors to fix it.

EA: wait no donT DO THAT

AA: FUCKING HORRORTERRORS.

AA: plus it’s making me even more stressed. please stop.

 

SYLPH OF VOID

 Class Type: Passive

Sylphs of void will actually “heal” the void; that means that they can disappear stuff, basically. So if your session has a sylph of void: tie your shit down, I mean it.

The first special move they can use is called [BACK TO BLACK]. It takes anything that was pulled from the void and disappears it. Forever. You’re not getting back your ramen. The move is passive, so your sylph may be using it without knowing. Random stuff disappearing when they come into a room? [BACK TO BLACK]. That one paradox clone that was your buddy never visiting you anymore or answering your calls? [BACK TO BLACK].

AA: My poor ramen…..

AA: you died too soon…

AA: *manly tear*

You also possess a few special [UNCHARTED ABILITIES]. Those could be anything. I mean, it could be a laser beam of... Nothing? Seriously, they vary from person to person. The only thing that ties them all together is that they’re support abilities. You can’t help yourself with it. At all. Sorry, but that’s just the way sylphs have to do things.

 

WITCH OF VOID

Class type: Active

Controlling the Void might sound neat at first, but trust me, it's a lot more confusing than it seems. Instead of getting supreme mastery of the Void, you get access to a secret area of the game called Sesame Street, or The Sesame. It works a bit like Ali Baba's cavern of wonders and treasures. Of course, you get to move things in there whenever you want, even though access to it is a bit complicated.

[THE SESAME] creates unstable portals to places you have already visited. It works a bit like [DREAM BUBBLES], allowing you to go back to places you remember. You cannot create the portals yourself, though. They sort of just appear, and only you can see them. You will know what they are as soon as you see them. They look like house doors that have "nothing to do here" [SESAME GATES] lead to this place called [SESAME STREET]. It's like this long street in the literal middle of nowhere with buildings everywhere. It's about as creepy as a nightmare, but it's really comfortable.

[SESAME STREET] looks a bit like Problem's Sleuth's imaginary city. Except everything is dark. So dark. Rules of physics and logic don't apply there. It feels a bit like you are in a creepy Dr.Who episode. All doors there work like the TARDIS, leading you to another place in space, but not in time. Those doors will lead you to places you remember as they are in the present. There is a door to your house, a door to your friend's house... And a door to Earth.

AA: Don’t try the door to earth though. It only leads to AFTER the apocalypse, and that’s depressing as all hell.

AA: Trust me on this one.

 

BARD OF VOID

Class Type: Passive

Cool fact: you can induce the power of the void into things, which means you can create magic erasers and doors that lead to somewhere else. Might be Narnia. Who knows?

Otherwise though your class sucks. Sorry bro.

You are a literal embodiment of destruction of void. This means that you accidentally bring things into being! Be careful, birth control probably doesn't work that well for you.

EA: Omg isn't that what happened to Stephanie

EA: "GUYS I THINK I MIGHT BE THE NEXT VIRGIN MARY"

EA: Shit was insane, yo

You only have really weird passive moves. One of these is [MAP THIS, BITCH] which automatically makes anywhere you are unchartable. No one can find you unless you want them to. This can be pretty useful but try to keep it out of teen drama, we all endure that enough as it is.

Another move would be [CANT TOUCH THIS]. It's exactly what it sounds like. Really.

 

PRINCE OF VOID

Class type: Too Active

AA: NOPE. NO. YOU DONT GET TO KNOW YOUR POWERUPS

AA: I ALREADY PUT MY TRUST IN ONE PRINCE OF VOID

AA: AND THAT TURNED OUT HORRIBLE

AA: NOOOOOPPPPPPEEEEEEEE

EA: Oh, right. Wasn't he the Horrorterror's "champion", or whatever?

EA: Seriously kids, anything linked to the Horrorterrors is bad. Salem's mom was some kind of crazy occultist who wrote a book called "Grimoire To Summoning The Zoologically Dubious", a guide to bringing the horrorterrors onto the world.

EA: I don't know WHY she wrote that thing, but seriously, what the hell, man.

EA: Children DIED.

EA: Also, who calls their kid Salem? What the heck? Like he was DESTINED to become Voidy Satan, what the hell.

AA: THIS IS NO TIME TO QUESTION NAMES

AA: IN FACT, DONT EVEN SAY HIS NAME

AA: IT MAY SUMMON HIM

EA: Dude he got eaten by Shub'durlüug like, 3 years ago.

EA: There is no way he even has a tiny bit of power left, Shub probably absorbed most of his life force anyway after he accidentally summoned them.

EA: and he's just a kid. Not Voldemort. I know he did some fucked up shit to Sandy's session but he's gone, now. No screaming.

AA: THEY WENT GODTIER TOGETHER

AA: THEYRE A GODTIER ELDRICH ABOMINATION

EA: Dominique that's not how any of this works.

AA: SHIT

AA: SHIT LETS LEAVE RIGHT NOW

SarcasticAbomination joined the chat at 11:28:08

SA: sup guys

AA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HE'S HERE

SA: uh... this is Samantha

EA: Hey Sam.

SA: did I offend you or something?

EA: Nah man she's just in a rough place right now it's fine.

AA: I CAN’T DEAL WITH ANY OF THIS

AA: I’M TAKING A VACATION

****  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're taking a summer hiatus.(Mostly because Dominique is still freaking out about Salem.) See you sometime in August!


	5. Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What do my eyes see? It is but the brightness of the light...." (I'm like 90% sure shakespeare said that)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back!!! YEAH!!!  
> Updates on tuesdays and thursdays as usual : P

\--------------------------------------

Aspect 4: Light

\---------------------------------------

∆

DENIZEN: CETUS

Cetus is… basically the closest you can get to meeting a horrorterror without your eyes burning and exploding. She only speaks in tongues. I’ve heard that light players can supposedly understand it?? I dunno. Mahoro, you’re up. Translate or something, idk. Where does she even live? A.. lake or something, right??

EA: OKAY OKAY HOLD THE FUCK UP. If you're a light player, it's very likely that you will have a really weird water zone on your map. I mean most Light players have waterworlds, I know, but there's this ONE ZONE

EA: with REALLY SHINY WATER

EA: the kind of water that looks like it was drawn on fucking microsoft paint with jpeg artifacts in it and shit

EA: if you're thinking "is it that place with the water that kinda looks like kool-aid", YES. YES IT IS. IT IS THAT PLACE.

EA: Please for the love of all godtiers if you're a light player stay the fUCK AWAY FROM THAT PLACE. DONT GO NEAR THE WATER. DONT. PLEASE.

EA: Okay okay let me regain my chill whoa.

EA: Okay.

EA: Okay Mo calm down.

EA: Remember your mantra.

EA: Good.

EA: Breathe.

EA: Okay jesus fUCK THIS GAME IS GONNA DRIVE ME CRAZY.

Okay okay fellow light players. Gather round, my children. Get your snacks ready. Switch off all electronic devices and put your seats in the upright position. Story time.

Okay so as most of you guys know, I'm a Light player, Rogue of Light, pretty chill dude. Really nice guy. I wouldn't even hurt an ugly fly. But for some FUCKED UP REASON, the game gave me a planet that was rigged to the advantage of everything that was meant to kill me. I must have been cursed or something. I don't know.

Like literally this game only made my life shittier from the second it was ACTIVATED. I mean seriously, my plane crashed, I broke my left arm, my laptop broke, a goat tried to KILL ME, my consorts were obsessed with setting traps everywhere (I died four times like this) and of course, I had Cetus as a denizen.

Now, y'all might start thinking shit like "oh yeah, but Denizens aren't so bad, all they do is sleep", not on my land, mofo. That creature is honestly the worst excuse for a denizen I have ever seen, and trust me, I've seen many. See, Cetus is a special denizen. Normally, when you enter the game, an algorithm creates a unique scenario and gives you a "land quest" (also known as the Maturity Quest). Normal land quests pretty much all sound the same: some random thing, like a snowstorm or something, is keeping your planet in a crippled, "dormant" state. When you get rid of that thing, your planet "unlocks its potential" and allows you to access the planet's grist rezerve, a big cave located at the center of your land with a shit ton of grist in it. If you don't unlock your land's potential, you can't use the [Grist Rig] and release Grist in Skaia's atmosphere. For more information, see the chapter on Skaian Mechanics [x].

Denizens are generally rarely involved with land quests. Unless they are Cetus, that is.

Having Cetus as a denizen automatically replaces your Land Quest by a special event called [SLAY THE BEAST]. During this event, you will have a specific amount of time to kill "the Leviathan" (a.k.a Cetus), a giant beast with the face of a woman that devours everything on its path.

The quest's goal is pretty straightforward: You have to kill cetus. If not, she will devour ALL LIFE ON YOUR LAND. That means also means NPC's, consorts, animals, monsters... Anything that can potentially release grist can, and will be devoured by her. You are given three days to finish the quest. Three. Days. If not, Cetus eats everything on the planet.

The event will activate AS SOON AS YOU TOUCH OR GET NEAR A SPECIAL BODY OF WATER, IN WHICH CETUS WILL BE SLEEPING. STAY AWAY FROM WATER.

EA: That thing was terrifying

EA: Literally we had to all fight her simultaneously with basic weapons because Paula and I wanted to go the beach at the beggining of the game.

EA: It took us two days to kill it.

EA: Worst beach party ever. Also a goat tried to kill me.

AA: gary wAS A GENTLE SOUL

AA: YOU PROVOKED HIM

EA: IT TRIED TO KILL ME I DIDNT DO ANYTHING. FUCK GOATS.

 

** ∆**

 

ROGUE OF LIGHT

Class type: passive

You, my friend, are a future scientist. Think about it! A tendency to gain knowledge so you can help others? You fit the bill in every way, you amazing sweet cinnamon roll. Here, gimme a hug.

AA: except you, mahoro.

AA: I refuse on principle to hug you.

AA: The things I’ve seen….

AA: *shudder*

EA: Are you still weirded out by the whipped cream thing?

EA: Honestly?

AA: YES I AM STILL WEIRDED OUT BY THE WHIPPED CREAM THING

 

Anyway. I'm the Rogue of Light (mahoro), so it's only right that I share my favourite moves with you! Redistributing information is, after all, one of my classpect's main asset...

But my favourite one is a move called [ALL THE LUCK], a technique that steals the luck from your opponents and redirects it to you and your friends for a brief amount of time. This move taps its energy directly from your confidence gauge, and will work as long as you believe in yourself.

My second favourite move is [ALL OF IT.], a move that can only be used after an action. [ALL OF IT] pretty much guarantees your success if you use it properly. There's only one thing. You must NEVER, EVER use this move after using anything related to luck. A glitch in the game superpozes the code for both techniques when you use them together and it renders both your luck and dexterity stat critically. Also, you won't be able to use them once they're like that unless you ask someone else to debug it for you, and it really takes a while to do so. Speaking from experience.

Also, pyrokinesis is a thing you can do. Do that. It's cool.

 

**∆**

 

THIEF OF LIGHT

Class Type: Active

Man, this class is NUTS. You’re the thief of “knowledge”, so you’re going to know a lot of very helpful secrets. This class can be especially helpful if you need to get information from reluctant consorts- nonhumans are the most susceptible to influence from the thief of light.

Your first ability is [SUNSTRUCK], which stuns opponents briefly by removing all active thoughts from their minds. You know that feeling when you enter a room and then you forget what you came to get? That’s how your enemy will feel. The more powerful you are, the longer [SUNSTRUCK] will last. I heard that godtiers can actually make it permanent, which is… completely terrifying, agh.

AA: Who told me that?

AA: I… wow. I don’t even remember.

AA: Mahoro? Do you have any idea?

EA: I did.

AA: phew. Thought I might have been mindwiped there.

Thieves of Light can not only steal knowledge, they also have, like most light players, [PYROKINESIS], and a fairly defective debug attribute called [FUTURE VISION]. Pyrokinesis lets you summon a firey concentration of light that can be used as a weapon. I'm pretty sure the rules of physics shouldn't allow you to do that but honestly, who cares. You have cool powers and that's all that matters.

[FUTURE VISION] is very unreliable and you should not rely on it at all. I’m not even going to tell you what it does. Use a ouija board instead.

 

 ∆

 

HEIR OF LIGHT

Class type: Passive

Good job! You managed to get one of the few classes that isn’t COMPLETELY HORRIBLE or completely composed of HORRIBLE PEOPLE!! Pat yourself on the back! Then get going, because your maturity quest is completely useless and you're gotta have to kill cetus to do anything.

As well as the obvious meaning of the aspect, light can also represent knowledge. While thieves are terrible gossips, heirs of light are always being given information. I’m not even kidding. You have a special move called [MISSION BRIEF] that will give you the same information as most sprites will have. It outlines all the weird sidequests and stuff that you can do to get grist. I suggest using this as soon as possible. It’s really nice to know if random quests are worth doing anything about.

You also have an ability called [SUN’S SON] which, honestly, was probably just an excuse for the developers to make up puns. You can do some fun stuff with it though- if you use it at the right moment, it’ll give you a really dramatic silhouette. Like hollywood level dramatic. Intimidation levels up by 10000%. If you’re REALLY nice, it’ll even give you a stormy night with well timed thunder.

EA: LET'S NOT FORGET THE [REALLY BRIGHT THING].

EA: We don't really know what it does but it looks really cool

EA: Like I've seen it from far away and golly

EA: That was some bright stuff

 

 ∆

 

MAID OF LIGHT

Class type: ?????????????

Who understands your class? NOT ME. I did ask an actual maid of light, though, and she said it was about “OH GOD, DON’T TALK TO ME ANYMORE, I STILL SEE THE BODIES WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES”. I guess it’s some kind of light player code! hahaha. : )

EA: What did you do

EA: Actually dont answer that question

EA: Im done.

Aaaaaanyway, I DID learn something from my brief but obsessive stalking of Janet. One special move you guys have is [MAGIC LAMP]. This summons a helper of your choice (not a dead one though) so you can defeat your enemy! To use this move, you have to say it three times. Why, you ask? I dunno. Guess it’s one of those maid things. This ability increases with your level of power, so if you're godtier you can probably summon your entire session. 

Another attack you can use is [LITE BITE] which overwhelms your opponent with all the information stored on every computer in the session. I'm not sure how it works, but _it really works._  It seems like this might backfire though so I’d clear it with my coplayers before I exposed all of their sexting to an army of imps.

 

 ∆

 

PAGE OF LIGHT

Class type: Passive af

Ahaha. Poor child. Poor sweet, useless child.

AA: Sorry kid.

Special powerup: [RUN AWAY]. Your nerdy disposition combined with the apparent hate of the developers for pages means that the best plan for you is to ignore your “actual powerups” that are “powerful, stop being such a bitch” and run away!

Instead of making you feel bad about everything you CAN’T do, here are a few things you CAN do! (Probably).

[SUNNY DISPOSITION] makes every consort LOVE you so that you don’t feel sad about being useless and pathetic!! Also apparently it can kill dark monsters or something? Haha, it’s not like it’s anything important.

AA: LOL do you remember when joseph tried to tell us that he had saved us from oglogoth?

AA: what a joke.

EA: Yeah that guy was lame.

EA: Brb gonna get some chips in the pantry

You also have [BRIGHT NIGHT], which requires some ability to master but it’s actually kinda nice if you know when to use it. This replaces any objects of the void with miniature suns- or so I’ve heard. No page I’ve met has been man enough to use it.

EA: I'm so sorry if you're a page of light but your only chance of survival is going godtier since you neither have access to the information given by the Light, or have cool powers until you're like, level 9000.

EA: Find your questbed and just flipping go seppuku all over that shit

EA: do it for the children

 

**  ∆ **

 

KNIGHT OF LIGHT

Class type: who knows man not me

Knights of Light actually have a pretty decent moveset. Like, you can use fire, and shit? Fucking neato.

Also, you're one of the few Knight classpects that can use range weapons like guns and stuff. I reccon you use throwing knives since you do mkre damage when you use anything with a blade on it.

Or you could just fucking hammer toss your sword at people, see if I care.

Like all knights, you have a lot of defensive moves you can use to flip a metaphorical birdy to your opponents. One of them is [COUNTERFLAME], which counters ANY ATTACK and sends it back to your opponent with fire on it! Like, can you imagine? Some guy wants to punch you in the face? [COUNTERFLAME] that ish. The guy should literally punch himself with a fist of firey doom. How's that for a power?

Ah! HOW COULD I FORGET

YOU CAN ALSO USE [FLASH].

Your skin shines with the light of a thousand suns!

EA: Show the tiddies to your opponents and blind them with Apollo's fury.

AA: please don’t

AA: just

AA: no

 

∆ 

 

SEER OF LIGHT

Class type: Passive

You can see the future! Congratulations!

No okay though seriously your classpect is nothing else but a fortune telling thing. You can't do much to defend yourself using your powers unless you get yourself a weapon that can be used as a catalyst for your powers. You're almost as bad as a sylph.

You can use [FUTURE SO BRIGHT] at a really basic level, though, so it’s not like you can’t do anything. [FUTURE SO BRIGHT] shows you the timeline in which you succeed. Unfortunately, it doesn’t actually tell you if it’s the alpha timeline or not. Sorry, dude!

You can also use [LUCKY CLOVER], but this is only effective at a godtier level. Apparently using this powerup is like staring into the sun for anyone not a godtier. And for some reason most seers are averse to going blind. So weird, right? Anyway, [LUCKY CLOVER] is a passive move, giving you the right instincts but no explanation. For example, if you’re using this maybe you have a sudden need to eat ramen. Afterwards you realize that you would have fallen asleep in the next battle if you hadn’t eaten it.

AA: aw man, now I’m hungry : (

AA: Mahoro? Where’s the ramen?

EA: You threw all the pasta related products overboard last time so I locked it away in the second pantry.

EA: I have some in my captcha deck though wait up.

 

 ∆

 

MAGE OF LIGHT

Class type: Passive I think

Mages of light are nuts. You guys can kinda see into the future too, but unlike seers most of you survive cause you can actually defend yourselves. Best of both worlds, amiright? It’s a really cool class.

For instance, you can use [CHARIOTS OF FIRE] and summon a bunch of… fiery chariots!

EA: (The fire is probably fake btw)

EA: (I'm pretty sure it's only there for the dramatic effect.)

AA: ok so MAYBE it isn’t THE BEST class but whatever, go with the flow, ok

AA: don’t judge

Also you can use [FANPERSON] which has a really cool double ability. You can use your geeky knowledge to summon a bunch of characters (though only if you know all the trivia) and you can also be a literal fan! I know, so great. I don’t know how you change back, though.

EA: Nah dude

EA: [FANPERSON] only summons stuff using your knowledge of the said stuff as a blueprint. If you actually firmly believe Daniel Radcliffe can breathe fire out of his nostrils like a dragon, he will.

Also this move is only temporary.

Most Mage techniques revolve around using a bunch of shitty illusions. It's a bit like in the wizard of Oz, I guess.

AA:Huh.

AA: Mahoro? What happened to lisa?

EA: Lisa? Oh yeah

EA: I think she tried to use Fanperson on herself after doing a lot of self-visualization to like, become the ultimate god tier?

EA: And she turned herself into a game abstraction without realizing it.

AA: Did… did she ever turn back?

EA: Nope. She despawned when the move's effect ended and her code got erased from the session.

EA: Idk why you're surprised to be honest. SBURB does fucked up shit like this all the time.

EA: You just have to get use to it.

 

∆

 

SYLPH OF LIGHT

Class type: yooooo

I don't even know where to start. None of us really know what Sylphs are actually supposed to do, to be honest. Like, we know you can heal and stuff, but your skillset doesn't revolve around that. I mean, maids, witches and muses can heal, but they aren't classed as healers. They're classed as bad bitches.

We don't really know what you can do. We just know you can do stuff. A bit like a witch? But kinda less cool.

According to the code and the [RULES OF THUMB], your aspect should basically have the exact same powers as your opposite aspect, except you don't have real control over the powers you use. Your aspect has control over YOU. To use your powers efficiently, you just have to figure out how to become a perfect vessel for your aspect to control, and it will do the rest.

The thing with sylphs is that almost all of your moves are passive. Which means, unless you actually prepare the best environment for your move to work efficiently, u ded. Remember that passive moves are (supposedly) always activated.

Your first move is [PATHFINDER]. It works a bit like the will'o wisp from that incredibly deceiving Disney movie about the girl who's mom turned into a bear?? Everybody thought it was going to be a cool movie about feminism and archery and it was about her mom turning into a BEAR? And then she had to stay with her mother to un-bear her? I mean?

EA: wait wait i'm getting a bit too far from the subject. Back to sylphs.

[PATHFINDER] is basically The Light's way of bossing you around and telling you what to do. The Light will materialize floating orbs of light that will guide you towards the best path of action. Very useful move, I'd say.

Your second move is a pretty cool thing called [REVIVAURA]. Your body will start glowing with a soft light, healing all the members of your team within a 5 meter radius. Pretty useful. I'm pretty sure it also fills up your hunger bar, so knock yourself out. Since it's a passive move, you should be able to activate it whenever you need it. Just think really hard about saving your friends, and your aspect should do the magic.

Everybody needs to stop seeing Sylphs as "passive, sorta useless healers". Sylphs are essential members of the team, and even though they are an extremely passive class, their ability to get their aspect's favours is an undeniable advantage to the team and they should not be left behind during missions.

EA: Everytime you do something the light is like

EA: "Ah yes. My child."

EA: "CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SOOON"

 

**∆**

 

WITCH OF LIGHT

Class type: yooooooooooo

EA: How many rules of physics do those idiots break everyday?

EA: probably so many.

AA: all the rules of physics.

AA: all of them.

No but seriously where do I even begin? I'm pretty sure the rules of relativity don't apply to you.

As the Witch of Light, you can use a move called [LIGHT OF THE ARYANS], which lets you control, change and bend light's mass, speed and general attributes. That's right. You can make light go faster than light. I don't know about you but I think that being able to do that is batshit insane. Like. Woah.

You can also use [LIGHT-BLIGHT]. It's a malus that affects your enemies. All opponents become blinded for a limited amount of time, and will have to suffer the after effects of your attack. [LIGHT-BLIGHT] tend to stick to its target like a cloud of bloodthirsty mosquitos. Imagine an angry cloud of light over your face. That is what [LIGHT-BLIGHT] does.

You can also use pyrokinesis and weaponize light itself. You can actually create hard light, that you can move around. Take advantage of it.

 

∆ 

 

BARD OF LIGHT

Class type: YOOOOOOOOOOO

I'm in awe. This class is so powerful. I mean, I normally despise Bards with all my heart but seriously. This guy. This guy is so cool. Whoa.

Just. Okay. If Jesus was a homestuck player, this probably would be his classpect due to all of the miraculous shit this thing can do. I mean. Okay.

Your very presence inspires physical and emotional enlightenment. That's your first move. It's called [LET THERE BE LIGHT].

As soon as you use this move, the sky lights up and all your teammates and familiars gain a huge bonus in luck and intelligence. If you are at a high enough level on the echeladder, you will unlock a special move that you will be able to use in conjunction to [LET THERE BE LIGHT]. [AND IT WAS LIT] finishes your move with a rain of scorching light that burns everything on its path except those who were affected by the previous bonus. This move is devastatingly powerful and has enough force to reduce half of a planet to ashes. Only use it in case of extreme necessity.

 

**** ∆  
  


PRINCE OF LIGHT

Class type: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO(active)OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

EA: Dominique, you're up.

AA: ok, breathe, you can do this….

Your first move is [

AA: I CAN’T DO THIS

AA: OH GOD

AA: y’all are gonna kill SO MANY PEOPLE

AA: I’m not going to help you

EA: Dominique

AA: no

EA: Domini--

AA: nope

EA: Dom--

AA: never

EA: We have to

AA: nah

AA: zip

AA: zilch

AA: go torture small animals or something

EA: omfg fine i'll do it myself

Your first move abomination is called [KILL THE LIGHTS]. It lets your unholy self absorb all the light on your side of the ACTUAL MEDIUM in order to gain as much strength as possible. Imagine everything going really black except you become the sun. All the light starts to orbit around you in an violent, burning maelstrom of laser induced fury.

You can release that fiery concentration of doom onto anything you want, resulting in its untimely destruction.

Once the move is over, though, the light you used disappears from existence, plunging the entire area of your medium in darkness until the game supplies your medium with new light, which can take a very, very long time.

We call this event [THE DARKNESS]. Due to the disappearance of Skaïa's protective light in part of the medium, Horrorterrors a free to venture around the areas of your medium that were induced in darkness. We strongly recommend you avoid [THE DARKNESS]' area of effect as much as possible to minimize contact with any otherworldly creatures. If you are trapped in [THE DARKNESS], do not attempt to flee or leave the safety of your home or they might get you and make you one of them. Simply find a reliable hiding place that is as close to the ground as possible, captchalogue as much ammo and food as possible and pray.

If you are already outside during [THE DARKNESS], try to fly as quickly towards skaia as you can if you have unlocked flight yet. If not, remain calm and find a hiding place as close to the ground as possible and do not make any noise.

[KILL THE LIGHTS] is the only technique we will be sharing with your classpect, as we consider your other attacks too dangerous to be divulged to the public.

Princes of light live up to their names, destroying all favorable outcomes and light using light itself.

If a member of your team is a Prince(ss) of Light, please make sure that they are doing well. They require a lot of attention. You wouldn't want them to do something stupid with their powers.

 

**  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter on tuesday!


	6. Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mindgames. games of mind?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tuesdays and thursdays, same as always. (Sorry I'm late today, it's been a crazy week.)

\--------------------------------------

Aspect 5: Mind

\---------------------------------------

§

DENIZEN: APATE

Yo, what the hell. She’s basically personified bullshit. You know that stupid essay you wrote for english three years ago? SHE IS THAT ESSAY. Don’t trust anything Apate says. She’s a big fan of trading players with other denizens- and I’m not even kidding here, SHE WILL EXCHANGE YOUR ASS for someone else's if she thinks you're not worth her time. So if you’re a player of mind and she thinks your game is weak, you might have cetus or something. It’s ridiculous. If she hasn’t traded you yet, feel flipping grateful.

EA: FUCKING APATE

EA: Bitch must have a fetish for mindgames or something.

EA: Dont get near her or her lair. It's such a load of barnacles. Seriously. Dont do it.

AA: ugh remember when timaeus switched with her?

AA: that was so annoying

EA: unbelievable.

§

ROGUE OF MIND

Class type: passive

EA: Okay so a pretty long time ago, like,

EA: Probably 7 years ago or something

EA: (Its kinda hard to keep count when you stop aging)

EA: Dominique, Jenny and I entered a different session for the first time using the Blue League, a ship given to us by the White King when we prevented his assassination.

EA: During our travels, we have met a multitude of players from parallel sessions and universes. We have made countless friends, but also countless enemies.

EA: I'd like to introduce you to one of the members of our team. We've worked together on a lot of cases involving game theory.

TerminalDiscord joined the chat at: 11:22:37

AA: TD, this is your cue.

AA: TD?

EA: I hope they didnt die

EA: Jesus christ that would make our guide's reputation plummet no no nonono

EA: nOT AGAIN

AA: ugh they probably kicked it

AA: goddamn

So, on to the actual guide…

Rogue of mind is, like, the one class that doesn’t have the [WALKER] ability. In fact, you have very little powers because seriously what even is this class. You.. take mind and use it to help others? Yeah, no.

You DO have the ability [MINDWIPE] though, which erases someone’s memories completely. It’s a crazy nuts move because it works on the same basis as godtier death determination- you can only remove someone’s memory if it’s a “just” action. ugh.

You can also use the move [MINDMELD] which combines your memories and plans with the memory and plans of a coplayer. It’s… really awkward, or so I’ve heard.

 

§

 

THIEF OF MIND

Class type: active

Seriously idk why you dicks are allowed to play with us but I can tell you for a fact that NO ONE has either enough time or patience to put up with your shitty mindgames. Honestly. Stop this shit. Y'all are childish as fuck. Mind players aren't supposed to be stupid. Why are you acting stupid. Stop it.

EA: Orlando was such a DICKWAD

EA: I hate him and wish famine to anything he is close to or loves

EA: He doesnt deserve anything good to happen to him in life ever again. Ever.

I honestly dont know why I'm helping you assholes. I'm too good. Too good.

Your first move is [STALKER]. It's an active move. You creep. Your powers let you pinpoint the location of any sentient lifeform in an area proportional to your power.

You can also use a really annoying move called [INTRUSION], which literally lets you step into someone's mind and do whatever the heck you wanna do in there, as long as your pluck (mana) stat is higher than their willpower stat. This can be used for a LOT of things, such as mind control, memory erasure, or mental corruption.

 

§

 

HEIR OF MIND

Class type: active

I'm not quite sure how that works, but you are both a living person and an idea at the same time. As a Heir of Mind, you can use your imagination to shapeshift and even transform part of your entourage into anything as long as have enough imagination and pluck to do it.

The shapeshifting move is called [MORPHANTASY], and it's really cool. [MORPHANTASY] automatically adds lines of code in your stat file when you think about mody modifications. This works in conjunction with your self confidence and can be become very unstable if you are in a bad mood or have very low self esteem or have any anxiety disorders. Thinking you are a monster might actually turn you into one. Be fucking careful with that.

Your other move, which you can actually use at a fairly low level, is the [PSYCHIC THINGY], a move that instantly materializes your willpower into a vortex of greenish energy. It's pretty good if you're trying to push enemies away, but it doesn't actually hurt anything. It just pushes. Like, pchoooo. Green pushy pushy tornado. Out of my the way!

 

§

 

MAID OF MIND

Class type: let's not go there please

Maids are so polyvalent honestly, I give up. You have cool mind powers. Do stuff with it. It good. I need to sleep.

AA: ugh

Maids of mind are actually more understandable than other maids (most notably maid of void). They also have a few powerups but they all suck.

[MIND YOUR STEP] is a move that makes everyone immediately doubt themselves. The stronger you are, the more they’ll question their lives and their choices. It’s a pretty powerful move for messing up the player relations within your session, but it doesn’t work on consorts because they never have plans.

[MIND YOUR MANNERS] is yet another pointless move. It makes everyone under your control follow the age old command “say something nice or say nothing at all”. It is completely useless for everything. EVERYTHING. God I hate mind players.

§

 

PAGE OF MIND

Class type: huh?

Shhh you will be smart like the other mind players one day i promess

AA: who wrote this

AA: what were you on

AA: can I have some

AA: (asking for a friend)

EA: I was sleep deprived i’m sorry

EA: “was”

EA: I still am

Aaaaanyway, you suck. That’s basically it. Mind players usually take forever to do anything, but you take it to a whole new low. The only abilities you have are

[I DON’T MIND], which makes you know when other players are willing to help you, (and man do you need help), and [HEADBANG] which changes all of your music automatically to screamo. Does it make any sense? no. Is it still your powerup? of course.

EA: Who even made this fucking game what the fuck

AA: Whoa, wait. [I DON’T MIND] could be pretty useful if you wanna manipulate people, actually. I mean, think about it. You can guilt-trip like nobodies business. “Oh, what, you DON’T want to help this poor, orphaned, crying consort? Wow, just when I thought you were a decent human being.”

§

 

KNIGHT OF MIND

Class type: really rad

Look at yourself in the mirror. You are Daredevil. You are Batman. Pat yourself in the back. Do it again. You are the hero of Mind this session needs. AND the hero it deserves.

See, Knights of Mind are not like other Mind players or Knights.  
You break the mold.  
The thing is, the other Knight classpects are all able to weaponize their aspect using a direct, physical manifestation of their aspect. Which means that if you were a Breath player, you would have been able to create deflagrations of wind in order to defeat opponents, or bend space around your weapon if you were a Space player. The Knight class, combined with the Mind aspect does not allow you to do that. Sorry, bro. You shouldn’t feel sad, though. You know why? Because you’re still RAD AS HELL.  
In order to compensate your lack of any “real” powers, you are able to use a huge variety of tricks in order to make yourself stronger, or at least make your opponents believe so.

One of those tricks is a technique called [PSYCHE OUT], which makes your intimidation stats skyrocket! It is now much easier for you to scare enemies and potentially paralyse them using special weapons you would have alchemized prior fighting [x].

A technique you can use is [CHILL OUT]. Remember when I told you that you were Daredevil? I wasn’t kidding. You are Morpheus from the matrix. [CHILL OUT] boosts your brain capacity temporarily, making everything other than you feel very slow, as if the world was in slow motion. Chill out gives you enough time to think of a new attack strategy, or simply dodge a bullet.  
  


Finally, you can use a pretty dangerous move called [EMOTIONAL DISCHARGE], but I don’t particularly recommend using it. It basically makes your brain/forehead throw electricity around. Don’t do that. It’s dumb. You could get hurt. Seriously.

 

§

 

SEER OF MIND

Class type: passive

Wow, this class is basically the only mind classpect that doesn’t totally suck. Seers of mind have totes creepy abilities, including mind reading and predictions of the future. Completely crazy, right?

One such ability is [MINDMAP] which shows you all the possibilities of an action in one split second. According to the mind players I’ve met, it’s gonna give you a headache. Unfortunately once you turn godtier this will become a passive move, meaning that for EVERY decision you see EVERY possible ending. Sorry, bro.

You can also use [BRANIAC], which helps you find the answers you need in the minds of others. This is an active move and it causes a migraine in people it’s affecting so you should probably go lightly.

AA: this move will only give you the answer you’re looking for though

AA: so if you really wanna know the truth you should probably just ask your coplayers like a regular person

AA: I’m looking at you, jasmine.

§

 

MAGE OF MIND

Class type: kinda in between actually

This class is confusing and disorienting and seriously wtf. Mages are super glitchy and this class is no exception. I once asked a mage of mind what she did and she just shrugged.

You do have some cool moves though! Never fear! Since you “create” mind, you have some powers that work, such as [IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN]. It works in a way similar to the [MINDMAP] ability of the seer of mind, only your move just shows you the best possible outcome. Way less headaches! Give yourself a pat on the back.

[MIND, HEART, AND BODY] is a power that helps you combine with two other players to make a horrible, beautiful, monster. It’s a crazy powerful move but it doesn’t work unless you actually trust and rely on the other players, so unless you have strange friendship bonds with your coplayers don’t even try it.

AA: oh and the other players have to be a heart player and a space player. The space player has to be an active class and the heart player has to be active too.

AA: Have I mentioned how weirdly specific this move is yet?

 

§

WITCH OF MIND

Class type: active

  
EA: Ahahaha

EA: Remember Darya?

EA: The girl that tried to take over multiple universes by mindcontrolling other god tiers? Pfh.

EA:Like that was ever going to work. What an asshole.

EA: Seriously though. Apparently she tried to mind control a horrorterror but her brain exploded

EA: Darya was a dick and she never deserved any attention or love from anyone, ever.  


EA: thus,  


EA: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHQLQ1Rc_Js>

AA: I thought it was actually pretty cool

Witches of Mind can take over the minds of other entities inside the game and control them remotely, forcing them to do their bidding using [BRAINWAVE RESONANCE]. It’s really shitty for the controlees, but damn dude, this move is pretty damn powerful. You could raise your own army by using it on your consorts, or something. I’m pretty sure you can also control monsters too! Imagine ogres and giants fighting by your side against your denizen? Really cool. Really Awesome. Wow.

Also you can do this thing called [IF YOU ONLY HAD A BRAIN]. It reduces your opponents willpower to nothing. Such a powerful burn.

 

§

 

SYLPH OF MIND

Class type: as usual, passive

Yo, bro, give yourself a pat on the back. You’re probably a decent person, and also you’re one of the only ways to help heal those who have been seriously messed up by the game. One of these healing powers is [PEACE OF MIND]. It calms another player down. Really, really quickly. Actually it’s more like an elephant tranquilizer tbh

Also you can use [PSYCOLOGIST]. It automatically summons one of those couchy things and a clipboard. Does it do anything else, you ask? No. No it doesn’t. They probably intended to make it do something actually useful but never got around to it because the game makers suck.

 

AA: ugh seriously wtf

AA: But really if you have a sylph of mind in your session you should be glad

AA: they tend to be really caring and helpful

AA: (except for daryl)

AA: (fuck you, daryl)

 

§

 

BARD OF MIND

Class type: passive

Ugh. UGH. These guys are EVEN WORSE THAN USUAL. Yes, I know I say that every chapter. That’s because it’s ALWAYS TRUE. Don’t believe me? Fine. [HEADACHE] is one of their most powerful move. It runs low-key interference on all higher mind functions for all players except the bard of mind. Only godtiers can stop using [HEADACHE]. You know what that means? It means that EVERY PLAYER IN YOUR SESSION EXCEPT YOU IS NOW STUPID. Start planning, asshole.

You also have the ability [IDC], which is another passive move that leads to a lack of a any critical thinking by your consorts. No one will care about the future. No one will care at all. Your powerup is making people lose their empathy. Good going, you incompetent dickwipe.

§

 

PRINCE OF MIND

Class type: douche

Goddamn it, this is why we can’t have nice things. Princes of mind are gonna kill you so dead. Like twice. And mess up all your abilities while they’re at it.

One of the ways they accomplish that is through [MINDBLOWN], which… literally… blows your mind. It’s so gross. Brains everywhere. Impossible to recover from, too, and you can’t go godtier from it. No, I don’t know why.

Another ability is [READY, FIRE, AIM] which reduces your future planning to nothing. You’re suddenly the most impulsive player to ever be impulsive. I don’t care if you’re a sylph of space, you suddenly feel like motorcycle jumping over a giant volcano eruption because it would be cool.

AA: in one session a player went through the whole time being affected by [READY, FIRE, AIM].

AA: we didn’t even notice

AA: well

AA: until the prince figured out how to disable the powerup.

AA: haha, she was so embarrassed…

AA: *wipes tear nostalgically*  


**  
**  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter starts on tuesday.


	7. Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> <3!!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AA: WE'RE BACK!!! : D

\--------------------------------------

Aspect 6: Heart

\---------------------------------------

<3

DENIZEN: YALDABAOTH 

Ugh, this guy. He's the most violent of the denizens; one of the few npcs that is eager to kill you and then eat your bones or something horrible and grisly like that. He SAYS that he's assigned to the "strongest warrior in the session", but pshhh. He likes to take the places of other denizens if there isn't a heart player in a session (Timeaus is very susceptible to his charm), but you're stuck with him if your aspect is heart. My advice? RUN.

  
EA: No but seriously he’s so annoying

EA: Who in their right mind thought

EA: “hey you know what”

EA: “let’s just program this shiny snake dude right”

EA: “Who’s gonna be a complete fucking asshole”

EA: not like we don’t have enough of that shit already in the game.

**  
** <3 **  
**

ROGUE OF HEART

Class type: passive

Ahhhh, rogue of heart. Your Classpect has the power to steal hearts and use it for the greater good. Do you know what that means?

Yep. Everyone loves you. Good job! Even if you're super deadly and violent people will love you! A++.  An extension of this power is [CUDDLES] which is like a pink-tinted mind-control zombie creator. You make people do whatever their emotional state needs at the moment; drink, cry, cry a lot. It's like you're the best shoulder to cry on ever. You're basically a counselor.

Another thing is the [WALKER] ability! which all rogues have. Your use for this power is a bit more abstract, but what it means is that you can "stomp" on people's hearts.

AA: I have it on good authority this move is best used to the song "how to be a heartbreaker" by marina and the diamonds.

EA: They’re honestly such a good band though have they posted anything recently

EA: wait we’re deviating from the subject

<3

THIEF OF HEART

Class type: active

You steal people's hearts! Metaphorically, I mean. Well- a little bit literally.

One of your abilities is [NO BOYFRIEND, NO PROBLEM]. This separates people from their souls and basically wreaks havoc. No one will care anymore.

Strangely, this move doesn’t work on lesbians. I wonder why. (you know why.)

Another ability is [SOUL PERPETRATOR], which gives you control over a person's conscience. Just their conscience, nothing else. Suddenly you're the little white angel on their shoulder, and you're saying "do the flip. Do it. And give me your xbox." Works like a charm.

 

<3

HEIR OF HEART

Class type: passive?? Active?? I don’t know

  
Dude this class is so weird what even.

Okay so basically, since you’re the Heir of Heart, you have direct access to your universe’s very essence. Imagine a little tap on the your Genesis Frog’s heart. You open in and the universe’s life force is yours to mess with. That’s it. That’s pretty much it. It’s really fucking overpowered. You could do literally anything. Really. Unlimited power. Just. I don’t even know anymore. You’re so powerful. What the hell.

Anyway. Your first move is [EAT YOUR HEART OUT]. It doesn’t actually involve ripping your heart out of your chest and eating it, don’t worry. I mean, how twisted would that b-- oh

EA: what

EA: are you fucking serious

EA: who even wrote this fucking game

Okay this just in, the Blue League’s research team just informed me on speaker crab that this move does, in fact, involve eating your own heart? Doesn’t that hurt, though?

EA: oh

EA: oh, okay.

EA: hmh. Hmh.   
EA: Hmh. Huh, sorry I’m kindof in the middle of something right now. We can talk later though.   
EA: Hmh.

EA: Oh dudes sorry I forgot to switch off my mic. I’m talking to Jeremy, from our research team. He’s really cute.

AA: stop hitting on the research team. We have shit to do.

EA: Shut the hell up you’re not even my real mom

AA: (OR AM I)

EA: also do you want beef or chicken we’re ordering chinese tonight

AA: ehhhh I was feeling more like seafood? prawns maybe

EA: yeah okay. I’ll just text from now on. Sorry readers. Back to the guide, now.  
  
Okay, so, [EAT YOUR HEART OUT] doesnt actually involve eating your literal heart out of your chest. That would have been terrifying. And gross. Really gross. You eat your *metaphorical* heart. Like… Some kind of shiny ball of energy, or something. I don’t really know what it does, though. I mean, the heart aspect is really confusing.

  
The only thing I can tell you is that you can eat a ghost version of your own heart, and that when you do that, weird shit happens. Like, I dunno. You could get some sick powerups. Or you know, you could die. That could also happen.

  
EA: I’m not even impressed by this shit anymore, you know?   
EA: what even is this game.

Your other move is [THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS]. It gives you a telepathic ability to see who’s crushing on who. Is it useful? no. Are you going to know more about your teammates than you ever wanted to? yes.

Oh, also, you can do the Hearty-thing, blah blah blah, giant pink vortex of gayness, fucking spare me.

<3

MAID OF HEART

Class type: dam nicki ur bobbies 

AA: So seriously wtf is with maids. What the hell. Did someone just… design the class while high or something.

EA: You know that is actually very likely, right?

EA: I’m not even joking like

EA: No sane person would create such a stupid fucking game out of their right mind

**  
**

Ok so your first move is [SKIP A BEAT]. Is that pun cleaning/maid related? NO. You just fuck up peoples hearts randomly. I stg. ANYWAY, the move basically makes your heart stop for a short amount of time. Your heart- not the person you’re aiming the move at. In case you haven’t already guessed, yes, this move is useless.

Your other move is [MAID FOR EACH OTHER] which is… sort of better? maybe?

????????

EA: what kind of shitty pun is that even

look basically this is just shipping in real life. You can fuck up lots of stuff this way, so maybe you should just…. take a step back. Don’t do anything. No powerups. No.

AA: we’ll all feel better this way.

EA: actually

EA: no

EA: fucking ship, dude

EA: you have the power to create couples in the pALM OF YOUR HAND

EA: dude we’re not your mom MAKE ECHIDNA MAKE OUT WITH YALDABAOTH I WANT TO SEE THAT HAPPEN

AA: ...

also you might think that the support class for all that is Heart related might have anything to do with making sure that your teammates stay healthy and shit

well think again

because you have absolutely no healing powers. Whatsoever. You are a disappointment.

Anyway, you still have ultimate fujoshi powers so just go ahead and have fun and become a supervillain or something. Enjoy yourself.

<3

PAGE OF HEART

Class type: sorry

First move: [I FAILED BIOLOGY, I CAN’T THINK OF ANY OTHER HEART PUNS].

Second move: [SERIOUSLY DUDE HELP ME OUT].

No, this is not a joke. You’re even more fucked than usual.

 

Anyway, the first move works kind of like opossums when they’re scared- it sends off a wave of incompetence in the hope that imps will leave you alone. The second move sends out a request for assistance.

AA: ….good luck with that. Maybe you should start working on your last will and testament.

AA: I know a good lawyer for that, lemme know if you want their number

<3

KNIGHT OF HEART

Class type: holy what

Tbh I think this is definitely the point where the developers just. gave up. I mean…. [DOKI DOKI SLASH]? really? This is the best they could come up with?

….anyway, this is a legitimate move if you can swallow your pride enough to use it. It incapacitates everyone with a brief but violent affection for you. You can then stab them. Is it kind of a jerk move? yes. Will you still use it? Experience tells us yes.

The opposite of this move is [PUMP IT UP]- this super motivates everyone in your session. It’s nuts. Go crazy, dude, because everyone is going to be INTENSE. This move wears out your energy pretty quickly though, so I’d only use it if it’s urgent.

<3

****  
SEER OF HEART

 

Class type: passive? Im pretty sure its passive

Yo okay listen your class is actually pretty cool so like, listen up. Have a seat. Maybe have like, some popcorn. Or noodles. Yeah. Get yourself good and comfortable. Real comfortable.

As a Seer of Heart, your first ability is passive, which means that it is always activated. It’s called [VIM VISION]. It lets you see everyone’s health bar, which is a thing other players can’t do in SBURB. Since you’re able to see people’s lifespan and stuff, you should know which monsters to attack when you’ll be in the game. Hint, the smaller the lifebar, the shorter the fight. Remember that you’re a Seer. You’re not made for fighting. Avoid that shit at like, all costs.

You other ability is [STETHOSCOPE], a.k.a the move that is really fucking annoying but that will save your life. It lets your hear people’s heartbeats within a 50 meter range. Don’t use it in a crowd unless you want to become deaf. Shit is loud. It’s really useful, though! You can use it to detect nearby enemies! Awesome! Yay!

EA: Okay y’all story time

EA: so like I think that about 7 years ago Dominique, Jenny and I joined this really cute session right

EA: and there was this cool chick named Aurora

EA: like the disney princess and shit

EA: except she wasnt like all blonde and shit she was Namibian but anyway thats not the point.

EA: mah gurl Aurora was a Seer of heart and she was a complete badass. She had a naginata. Fucking badass. Who even fights with fucking japanese medieval lances? Aurora did.

EA: Okay so like one day she came to the ship and was like “okay y’all im tired of this shit” and we were like “???”

EA: And she was like “Im going to slay the fuck out of my denizen yo”

EA: and we were like “okay so she’s gonna finish her land quest and slay Timaeus, thats really cool of her and stuff but then she’s a seer

EA: Seers dont fight

EA: Seers stay in the kitchen with the ramen and the cookies and play computer games while they give cool advice to the actual warriors who are in the field

EA: so we’re like “Oh are you gonna slay Timaeus?”

EA: and she was like “Bitch no I’m hunting for big game tonight”

EA: and we were like “..????,?”

EA: and she was like “Im gonna kill fucking Yaldabaoth”

EA: and we were like “yooooooooooo your denizen is Yaldabaoth??jfc”

EA: and then she said: “If i dont come back please tell my brother I loved him and feed my dogs”

EA: and like since we’re not complete fucking dicks we’re like “Yo yo yo Aurora if you go alone you’re gonna die” and she looked at us and just said, like

EA: “I’m gonna go alone. Stay here.”

EA: LIKE SHE WAS THE FUCKING

EA: TERMINATOR?????

EA: OR SOME SHIT?

EA: anyway so like I dont even have time to argue she straight out jumps of the ship like a fucking anime character

EA: and she enters her denizen lair and the entire thing closes itself while she goes through the dungeon and since we werent in her party from the start we weren’t allowed to go help her.

EA: So we’re like really worried. Like, real worried.

EA: Dominique was sweating fucking bullets the entire time but I remained calm because I’m a hero

AA: he was crying. into his noodles. Then he said that he would “never be able to eat instant noodles again”

AA: because they held “traumatic memories”.

EA: haha anyway we camped in front of the lair for about a day thinking that she was done for and I’m pretty sure Jenny told us that she was dead like, seven times, and that we should leave

EA: but then right as we start packing up

EA: The door opens

EA: And here she is covered in yellow imp blood

EA: carrying Yaldabaoth’s shiny dead ass inside her fucking wallet

EA: she just uncaptchalogues his fucking corpse all over the camp and turns out she fucking beat the strongest mob in the game all by herself even though she has the weakest class that we know about.

AA: (except for pages, pages suck)

EA: Moral of the story

EA: It’s not the class that makes the player.

EA: It’s the player that makes the class.

<3

MAGE OF HEART

 

Class type: ~~Active~~ passive

 

[MAGE FOR EACH OTHER]. I’m not joking. You have shippy powers. Shippy soulmate powers. Every contrived fanfic premise? YOU CREATED THAT PREMISE.

 

EA: what even are heart players honestly though

 

Go sit in the corner and think about what you did.

 

AA: you don’t even deserve to know your other powerup.

AA:  > : [

EA: Youre just jelly because they have cool shipping powers and you dont :p

<3

SYLPH OF HEART

 

Class type: Passive

Hey, look! A sylph that can actually do something! _Amazing._

Your first powerup is [PACEMAKER]. You can get everyone SUPER HYPED. This is a music combo powerup, so shit’s gonna go crazy. Just remember: music has to end eventually. If shit goes down too hard, everyone will die, and the goal of SBurB is to not die. so dont die. Dying sucks.

You can also use [HEART ATTACK], which is a really fancy name for the hearty thing. They…. they just used a different word. No difference.

EA: It’s actually kinda disappointing. It’s literally the Hearty thing with a different texture.

AA: what is my life

AA: what are my choices

 

<3

WITCH OF HEART

 

Class type: active af

You have the one and only quadruple move powerup in the game. Congratulations, it’s friggin complicated. First you have to use [WHAT IS LOVE]. This is a simple powerup, requiring only a soul-searching moment and some booze probably. This is a move that makes everyone stop and philosophize for a while.

After that it gets a little complicated. Next you use [BABY DON’T HEART ME], which requires another player, preferable someone you’ve had a romantic entanglement in. It ends up making everyone feel really sorry for you, even the imps. I’ve seen some of the nicer players end up bringing the witch chocolate.

AA: Yeah I know there are ace people out there

AA: IDK OK just…. hold hands in a friendly way with your queerplatonic bff or something, I don’t make the rules

Then comes [DON’T HEART MEE] and [NO MOREE]. These have to be used consecutively. While you could stop after [BABY DON’T HEART ME], you have to use these two together, otherwise you’ll probably die.

 

EA: this move sounds pretty ridiculous but it incapacitates all nearby creatures when it’s over and it gives everyone boosts

EA: so use it. A lot. Its good.

<3

BARD OF HEART

 

class type: pray for your soul

Oh god. Bards of heart. Almost worse than bards of time. Almost. I didn’t want to give you any info on your powerups but mahoro was all “they deserve their powerups too” and “seriously Dominique stop running away it won’t help.”

AA: ughhhhh

\--crimsonAekito started pestering you!--

CA: sup

EA: Holy shit

EA: He’s alive

AA: omg doge I thought you were dead

AA: didn’t you like…. get eaten by dersites

EA: (wait holy shit Dersites eat people???)

CA: +5 mind power points for a close enough guesstimate but not enough to get the aspect

CA: case in point: some shit went down and my creepyass consorts went into panic

CA: had to calm them down, the dersites hate my ass and i wouldnt be surprised if they stooped low enough to eat their hero

CA: i changed my chumhandle and im trying to figure out a way to get things in shape while ‘anonymous’. but in the meantime ill work on this with yall

CA: that much i owe

AA: Fair enough

AA: oh yeah, we should introduce you

AA: everyone, this is doge, they’re totes rad,

AA: also they’re a mage of blood so if you need any help with that classpect just let them know

So I GUESS I’ll give you your powerups. Ugh. Your first is [POP BALLAD]. Channel some Brittney Spears here to make it work, it can be really difficult for non-godtiers. Since bards are kind of a random class, this basically just plays a love song when you activate it. But since you’re a bard, it channels WEIRD POWERUPS STUFF and everyone around you becomes entranced and incapable of doing anything except mooning over their crush.

You can also use [STROKE], which gives everyone in a certain radius a heart attack. I know, I know, they should have used “heart attack” instead of stroke. I’m not in charge. Anyway, the more powerful you get, the bigger the radius is.

EA: honestly this class is so fucking confusing why was it even created?

EA: I mean seriously? An active support class? Ridiculous.

 

<3

PRINCE OF HEART

 

class type: Oh dear lord. Active. Actively one of the biggest threats to you and your team.

Okay, if you got a Prince of Heart in your team, do not get on the bad side of this dude. [BODY AND SOUL] is their first move, which involves them ripping out your soul in an excruciating process which feels like your body has been set on fire then forced to swim a 5 mile pool of bee stingers until it’s over. Once you have your soul ripped out, it’s reduced to a state where it’s an orb with your aspect power dancing around inside. Prince deadly can either eat it to add to their own power, or try to enhance your abilities with their ~soul magic~ before letting you go.

...Or, if they judge that your existence is useless, throws it to the ground and crush it beneath their foot like an oversized bug. That’s it, really, your life and death sentence is determined by them and you have no say in it.

That being said, if you get on the good side of Prince deadly and are actually friends, he can safely and painlessly extract your soul (rather than ripping it out) and keep it safe from devastating attacks. Backfires? He can insert the orb into a different body if he decided that he wanted to be an asshole so you can be stuck in a rock.

CA: what a prick am i right

CA: its like one of those dudes that everyones inexplicably attracted to

If you really piss him off, he’ll turn you into dust, disintegrating your entire being. Even the dust turns into dust, and that dust turns into nothing.

 

Second power is [GENOCIDAL MISANTHROPY]. It’s literally its title. This guy’s gonna kill and slaughter because this version of hatred is directed to everything in existence, not just humans. Let me break it down for ya.

GUIDELINES AND RULES FOR CAUSING A GENOCIDE FOR DUMMIES. THE PRINCE OF HEART EDITION.

Step 1: Kill off your own emotions. Literally. There’s no such thing as ‘Mercy’ when you’re in this sociopathic manner. Also known as the ‘Sub-Zero Spirit’ state.

(WARNING! Once in this state, you can still change back. Find a trusted teammate -preferably a heart player- or a trained consort that can reverse this step. If not, then whoops.)

Step 2: Absorb all souls within a 20 ft radius. Gotta get some power for genocide, it’s not like soul power grows on trees.

Step 3: Abide by the rules and do a Genocide the right way.

Step 4: Realize that you are the one who makes the rules now, there is nothing that can kill you without having their soul sucked out. That’s what the Sub-Zero Spirit state is also for, collecting souls automatically to assist you on your warpath.

Step 5: Once gathered enough souls, Implode on yourself with soul power. This should kill everything once and for all.

Step 6: You and your entire universe is dead, how are you still reading this.

CA: basically princes are overpowered and this shit can go terribly wrong

CA: the dude can erase your entire session. do not let him do that if you want to live

 

<3

MUSE OF HEART

- ****

class type: Inspiring people ever since they learned the meaning of ‘optimism’

(Really fucking passive)

If you ever wanted to find the true meaning of ‘happiness’ look no further because a Muse of Heart is the very incarnation of bubbly friends and frolicking in a doomed apocalypse-esque world. You can have Bards, Princes and asshole Thieves, yet somehow pray and believe in your session.

Anyway, your first power is [MIASMELODY]. This power is more of a double-edged sword more than anything, and requires some skill, both social and power alike. You inject some determination and spirit into the very HEARTS

CA: haha holy cow someones gonna kill me

of your teammates when things are looking bleak, and they’ll get up all inspired and get to work. Their classpect doubles in power and- for a brief amount of time- gets invincibility. They’re practically radiating with soul-power. One backfire is that everything stinks but only YOU can smell it.

Another backfire is if you’re nearby enemies- this power can get to them too. They get all motivated to do great and say ‘So Imma let you finish, but I gotta kill some human tail’ and become a pain in the ass to deal with as their power doubles too. Their invincibility lasts longer since they’re monsters and the creators decided that this classpect has some flaws as well.

So, in short, be careful how you use it and who’s around when you’re using it, monsters and teammates alike.

Your second power is [VIVA LA VIDA]. If you’re Spanish, you know what’s up; because the translation is literally ‘Live The Life’, in which you inject some ‘soul power’ and ‘inspiration’ into anything at all, anything. Rocks, buildings, corpses, lawyers, etc.

EA: By the way,

EA: This class is super fucking passive

EA: Like unless you actually learn moves through your consorts and shit you have like 0 moves until you are godtier.

EA: which is unfair because Lords have like, all of the moves

EA: But yeah. If you’re a muse, your very PRESENCE is suppose to inspire everyone around you. I’ve only read about you guys in books, though, so my knowledge might be skewed.

CA: fair point. but arent muses supposed to be the pass-the-fist-to someone else?

CA: seers, or at least my one, was a descendant of super uber pass-the-fist family which in all honesty was kind of hard to watch in battle because they were pathetic as shit

CA: they had zilch training in combat and prefer to water plants than scratch someone.

EA: omg that sounds really boring

CA: later on one of their members got fed up with being the ‘support’ and tried to learn something violent from their consorts

CA: they succeeded

CA: but their powers were really fucking terrifying.

CA: they took out a huge chunk of a rivaling class and caused some major casualties to their prospitians

EA: omg

CA: they found out why they were such a passive class in the first place the hard way

CA: and pretty much got killed for good measure

EA: (gasp)

EA: wait so wait

EA: you had a muse in one of your sessions?

EA: How long have you even been in this stupid game? Arent Muses like, rarer than fucking gold?

CA: damn right they were. everyone was surprised because whaT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS A MUSE DOING HERE?!

CA: she just

CA: popped out of nowhere

CA: like a daisy in a frozen field

CA: unfortunately and fortunately she stayed in the shadows and never tried to be ‘popular’ no matter how much we coaxed her ass

EA: oh

CA: which was a real dogdamn shame because she was a nice girl. we lost all contact with her ever since we

EA: Ever since you what?

EA: Wait, didnt you kill her for safety or something?

CA: that was another muse in my seers family and nevermind what i said about contact we just lost her

EA: (what the fuck ANOTHER MUSE???)

CA: the aforementioned and deadly-as-all-hell muse was like from a long time ago where computers werent a thing and people still thought that the planets revolved around earth

CA: the reason that the info got to our seer in the first place was because it was so popular and caused a huge uproar

EA: I see.

EA: wait up, though. I still have one question.

EA: Not to be indiscreet or something

EA: But how old exactly are you?

EA: Sburb stops the aging process as soon as a player goes godtier. After that, you get to decide whether you actually age physically or not.

EA: Dominique and I have been in the game for about 17 years.

EA: But we still look like we’re 17 because that’s the age we had when we went godtier.

EA: How old exactly are you?

CA: its been a while and my minds a bit- fuck that- a LOT foggier than what it used to be when it comes to time

CA: but i think its been

CA: i dunno

CA: 53 years?

EA: Holy shit you’re fucking old

CA: older than my parents yeah im pretty old

CA: just glad that i dont look like a hairy raisin

CA: i dunno how your sburb works but our session- and presumably our entire game- is a bit different

CA: me and our mates are resetting our session -in which we all live thank god- and create another one which is a bit better since we didnt have a time player

AA: wait, mo, you weren’t in that session w/ the muse of heart?

AA: I could swear you were….

AA: anyway I knew this one chick

AA: I think her name was… lacy?

AA: she was so pissed at her ex that she tried to reverse [VIVA LA VIDA] on him

AA: long story short everyone in a 10,000 km radius died

AA: so be careful kids

CA: oh damn that chick sounds crazy

CA: id love to meet her

CA: anyway back to the topic of potential doom and inevitable shenanigans/p>

Whatever you find useful, preferably strong, you can inject some of your hipster heart magic into things that are potentially devastating- but not limited to- Enemies, even more lawyers, your teammates, you, your dream self if they’ve somehow got into your dream world, etc. The amount of wreckage they’re capable of is directly proportionate to what they can do and if they’re willing to do it.

All in all, it’s a pretty great move if you want some help or just want some entertainment. Just keep in mind that they’ll probably freak out when they come alive and become self-aware.

CA: yoooooo toaster look i got a mental capacity now

CA: toaster?

CA: toaster cmon talk to me are you jealous

CA: yeah i knew you woH MY JESUS THAT THING SPEAKS?!

CA: TOASTER DUDE HELP IM FREAKIN OUT MAN THIS THING WITH EYEBALLS IS SPEAKING

CA: TOASTER YOU SON OF A BITCH ANSWER ME

CA: etcetera

CA: **this did not happen in my session because we did not have a toaster. only refrigerators and communication devices. and laptops. and a half-dead cyborg imp.** do not ask me about the previous item. the living mirror later died of a mental breakdown and lack of friends.

AA: Holy shit doge

AA: I am honestly glad I don't spend much time in the same sessions as you

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter on tuesday : )


	8. Rage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take a guess at what this chapter looks at. Go for it. Go on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY SURPRISE  
> WE'RE NOT DEAD

 

\--------------------------------------

Aspect 7: Rage

\---------------------------------------

>:(

 

 

DENIZEN: BARBATOS

okay so this is one of the _few denizens_ that doesnt look like a giant earthworm of doom. Instead, Barry looks more like a giant, like Hephaestus and Amon, the denizen of blood.

AA: why is this even relevant????

AA: when did you even see him????

EA: Paula’s sister was a Witch of Rage, remember? I saw him once when he emerged from his lair. Which is a thing that he can do.

AA: oh yeah. That was a bad day.

Once in a while, Barbatos, the giant of Myrrh, gets out of this giant fucking tent thing, and goes out for a walk with like half of his minions. This is a special event called [THE DARK CARNIVAL].

You want to AVOID THAT SHIT AT **ALL MOTHERFUCKING COST**. ITS FUCKED UP. The entire thing looks like some kind of giant circus troupe, with like, purple elephants and five legged monkeys and flying eyeballs and just…

Augh. Have you ever seen a Kyary pamyu pamyu music video? Imagine the same stuff without the kawaii.

Never ever ever ever EVER TRY TO WALK NEAR A DARK CARNIVAL.

YOU WILL BE **ASSIMILATED.** Anything that gets too close to this awful piece of shit just straight up...Augh.

Just keep away from that shit. It’s fucking evil. I beg you. Don’t make the same mistake my friend did.

AA: I can still see the blood when I close my eyes….

CA: shit fuck why did you bring this up you are permanently scarring my perfectly sane mind

EA: >sburb player

EA: >”sane mind”

CA: seeing that mental image is going to be the sole reason why im going to therapy

EA: Oh god you know what?

EA: Im getting anxiety from this

EA: please lets change the topic and just finish this chapter as fast as possible.

CA: i second that notion

AA: oh by the way this is CA they’re rad carry on

 

>:(

 

ROGUE OF RAGE

class type: passive??? maybe????

 

hahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH oh god this classpect is horrible. Pray for your life, you will die. Your main ability is to steal rage from other people to help others. Unfortunately, there are very, VERY, few times when that’s possible. As I said- pray.

 

ANYWAY, the name of your main powerup is [BAD PUN]. …. actually, that’s not really a name, it’s a suggestion. In order to use this, you have to think up such a horrible pun that all of your teammates groan in almost physical pain. Not a funny pun: a punny pun. When you use it you can take their rage and add it to your [RAGE RESERVOIR].

 

THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT USE YOUR [RAGE RESERVOIR] FOR:  
-making your crush break up with their boyfriend

-making your friend decide not to get together with their ex

-making the enemy angrier (duh)

-pissing off your denizen

-making the hacker in your group get you more grist

-actually anything with your teammates.

 

THINGS YOU SHOULD USE YOUR [RAGE RESERVOIR] FOR:

-exchanging rage for prizes like the [BAD JOKE BOOK], [WORSE JOKE BOOK], or [ULTIMATE WORST JOKE BOOK]

-getting more rage in your rage reservoir

 

We’re not going to tell you your other powerup. The world is too awful already.

 

>:(

 

THIEF OF RAGE

Class type: active

 

AA: well at least active rage classes can do SOMETHING I guess.

 

Listen guys. While the rogue might have mislead you, the rage aspect is actually based on emotions- not just anger. Unfortunately, passive types are still useless (looking at you, rogue). Still! You might not die!

 

So. Your first ability is [LOST IN TRANSLATION], which is a passive move that will always be on until you make godtier. It’s kind of like a luck powerup, but it makes everything you say sound wrong. That funny joke you just made? It offended your best friend so much she burst into tears. That flirting you just did? The object of your affection thought you were trying to sell something. It’s awful.

 

Your other ability is [NOSTALGIA NIGHTMARE]. You can steal anything people are remembering fondly! Useful if you have friends who used to be rich. Absolutely useless if you live alone.

  
>:(

 

HEIR OF RAGE

class type: passive

 

WELL, IT COULD BE WORSE.

 

You have a passive action constantly running, which is [ALL THE FEELS]. Basically you’re PMSing all the time. No, you can’t turn it off. Yes, even godtiers are stuck with it.

 

AA: Haha remember that guy

AA: uh… david or something

AA: he was so buff but he cried when he saw cute kittens

AA: … although it might have been because they were eldritch cute kittens that were actually emissaries of the horrorterrors sent to kill us

AA: *shrug*

 

aaaaand your other powerup is [CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT]. Pretty self explanatory. Don’t use it without proper protection ; )

 

AA: I meant a sword. Why do all your minds go to the gutter?

 

>:(

 

MAID OF RAGE

class type: Passively Agressively Active To The Point Where She’s Confusing

 

Personally, I don’t like this classpect.

 

CA: makes me glad i dont have this person on my team cause theyre a drag to be around

CA: its like theyre

CA: MADE OF RAGE

CA: second pun and im pretty sure someones already closed the tab in disappointment 

 

Your first move is [ORDERS FROM THE BOSS] in which you gather grist, alchemise stuff, socialise or just being generally useful, albeit begrudgingly. A lot of pent up agression builds up inside you until you attack (at full force) whomever is nearby, enemies, friends, consorts. In regards to the title, it works better if you’re ordered by someone to do these things since your power is more potent that way.

 

CA: yeah it sucks

CA: the only time its useful is when your nearby enemies and/or a really annoying asshole who needs to shut the fuck up about how jacked theyre getting

 

The second move is [CLASH CRAWL]. Maids of Rage have the talent to turn any subject at all (no matter how trivial) into a heated argument between 2 or more people, it usually escalates from verbal spewing to (a bit of) blood spilling which forces you to crawl away from the scene where you and your mates clashed.

 

CA: puns

CA: puns everywhere

CA: i am so not sorry

 

Hate brings out the worst in people, and Li’l miss ball of Rage here can use it to her advantage. AKA Info gathering about who you **really** are so she can help you (by making you angry, thus making you more violent) in battle. It’s their way of cheering you on, but without the pompoms and demands that you give them letters.

 

>:(

 

PAGE OF RAGE

class type: passive

 

Yep, you really are useless. You have two moves: [LET IT GO] and [INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH]. [LET IT GO] can help convince enemies to stop attacking you or something, I never really payed attention. [INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH] was supposed to be able to gather your consorts as an army or something but it’s glitchy as fuck, so instead it just ends up with them booing you down from the podium.

 

AA: It’s SO FUNNY, OMG

AA: you should do it

 

Anything else to add? Nothing? Well, whatever. Invest in a really good weapon.

 

>:(

 

KNIGHT OF RAGE

class type: ????????????

 

SO this class can actually do stuff, wonder of wonders. Good job, knight of rage. You can actually do stuff.

 

[ANGER MANAGEMENT] is your first move, which is that the longer you delay attacking someone the more your raw strength increases. It’s always on, but hey- why would you want to turn it off? Sure, it also turns you into a seething ball of badly-repressed machissimo and anger, but who isn’t ALREADY a seething ball of badly-repressed machissimo and anger?

 

AA: …. don’t answer that question.

 

You can also use [DESTRUCTION THERAPY], which uses [RAGE RESERVOIR]. (Oh yeah, you have rage reservoir too, ha. Most players do but I haven’t mentioned it cause it’s useless to basically everyone). Anyway the more rage you have in your [RAGE RESERVOIR], the more power you have behind your attacks. It’s like retail therapy, only with more smashing things! Fun.

[>:( 

SEER OF RAGE

class type: passive??? but they’re assholes so not really???

 

Ok, y’all, the only player worse for psycoanalyzing is the sylph of rage. And the sylph of rage will probably have enough of a moral compass to not make you feel awful all the time just because they can.

 

The seer doesn’t have a moral compass. Their first ability is [CUT THROUGH THE BULLSHIT]. They know when you’re lying. They will tell everyone. They will then go on to make you feel like a piece of shit.

 

I warned you, man.

 

Their other move is [I SEE YOU CRYIN], which was made to alert them if one of their teammates was upset. Fortunately this is glitchy as all get-out, so it only alerts them if you’re in such danger that you are going to die within five minutes.

>:(

SYLPH OF RAGE

class type: passive as FLIP

 

ok so sylphs of rage are actually amazing. We don’t like to talk about it much, but most SBurB players come out of the game with their mental health ripped into teeny-tiny little shreds. If you have a sylph you can skip that!

 

The first ability is [TISSUE], which, uh. Summons a box of tissues.

 

ON THE OTHER HAND, [TEARS OF JOY] is an actual lifesaver, it cheers other players up like nobody’s business. It supplies them with all the reasons they have to be happy until they’re no longer super sad. Nice, right?

 

AA: you still can’t fight anything tho

AA: sorrynotsorry

 >:(

MAGE OF RAGE

class type: Active? Passive? IDFK

 

AA: I’m a mage, I still don’t know what’s happening here

 

Anyway mages in general have the power to use their aspect to do… things. Things and stuff. Mage of rage is no exception (hey, it rhymes!). You have two main powers: [SNAP OUT OF IT], which renders any mind-altering powerups null through emotion, and [EMOTION POTION], which basically overloads someone until they cry.

 

[SNAP OUT OF IT] carries some unfortunate restrictions: if you don’t know the person you’re trying to free, it won’t work, and you have to physically attack that person to use [SNAP OUT OF IT]. Mostly the mages I’ve met have just slapped the person, but apparently a… fish???? works better????

 

AA: ???????

AA: maybe she was saying…. a flip? A fin? A…. wish??????

 

OK WHATEVER

 

[EMOTION POTION] is actually a really intense powerup, super active. It can give anything emotion. ANYTHING. And, unlike a page, you can use that emotion to your advantage. I’ve seen Mages of Rage go into battle followed by like 20 refrigerators. One word of warning, though: Don’t try it on your denizen. No.

 

Basically you just make yourself a smoothie, but you dump it over whatever you’re giving emotion. Don’t ask me what to make it with, I’m not a chef.

 >:(

WITCH OF RAGE

class type: yo this classpect has _got_ to be suffering from a bipolar disorder because it can do both

 

Have you ever wanted to have complete control over the messy teenage angst of everyone you’ve ever met? No? Well, too bad, you have it anyway.

 

You have one passive power and one active power- [PLOT TWIST] and [I WILL STOP THIS CAR], respectively. [PLOT TWIST] makes it so everything you do is super surprising to people. Useful if you have a secret plan of betrayal or something, problematic if you just want to give someone a hug. [I WILL STOP THIS CAR] physically stops literally everyone from doing anything until you’ve calmed down from the rage necessary to use this power. It uses your [RAGE RESERVOIR], so… prepare yourself.

>:(

BARD OF RAGE

class type: pray

 

AA: why

 

Ok so have you guys ever seen one of those sports movies where the coach says this really dramatic speech and then the team wins? That is the EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT THE BARD DOES.

 

A bard of rage doesn’t even do anything and their team still fails. Honestly, my best advice is for you to call Mahoro and I and we can try to fix the unbelievable clusterfuck of a session you will have already been sucked into. While you’re waiting, you can do two things:   
  


[TISSUE] is your passive powerup, and it sounds pathetic, but by god it is going to mess up SO MUCH.  [TISSUE] makes everyone a billion times more emotional while they’re around you. You know how when one person starts crying everyone starts crying? yeah.

 

Your other powerup is passive too, but it only kicks in when you’re godtier. So just hang in tight and don’t die, otherwise you’ll be using [PMS] alllllllllllll the time. My god. This one powerup has singlehandedly destroyed SO. MANY. PLANETS. It even works on your DENIZEN. 

 

AA: SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELLLLLL

AA: actually I changed my mind don’t call us for help just accept your inevitable death

>:(

PRINCE OF RAGE

class type: aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAACTIVEEEEEEE

 

listen. ok I have been through some shit. but what messed me up most of all was a fuckin. fuckin prince of rage. what the hell man. These guys DESTROY your emotions. That’s the DEFINITION of a prince of rage. It’s terrifying.

 

first off, they can use [HEARTLESS HUSK], which is crazy even though it sounds like it’s a powerup for a different aspect. [HEARTLESS HUSK] removes all of your emotions, forever. You won’t be able to care enough to be upset with the prince.

 

the other scary powerup is [EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD], which floods you with everything you’ve ever felt at once. It’s awful, and it’s so distracting the prince can kill you while you’re busy crying and laughing at the same time. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok sooooooooo life has been kicking my butt lately, so I'm moving to one update a week on tuesdays. Sorry, guys. : (


	9. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ?????????

EA: hey man what’s up dude

EA: sorry man

EA: I was taking a nap

AA: ….that’s a euphemism for “I got lost in paradox space without a map, so Dominique had to come and save me”.  

______________________________________________________________________

ASPECT 8: HOPE

______________________________________________________________________

~>}{<~

DENIZEN:  ABRAXAS

AA: Ah, this guy. Thiiiiiiiiiiiis guy. Most passive aggressive denizen by FAR. He says you shouldn’t kill the angels, but then he sends them out to kill you. 

EA: What an asshole

Before we talk about him in detail though let’s have a teeny tiny history lesson, because we really need to talk about this dude’s origins before actually talking about him.

In gnostic mythology, which basically is a bunch of shit written in ancient babylonian grimoires and stuff, Abraxas is supposed to be one of a Supreme God’s physical manifestations, which makes him really, really fucking powerful. Some even say that he has omnipotence, but I really doubt that. Remember that this is SBURB we’re talking about. Every game construct can be killed. All gods are mortal, here. According to ancient scrolls, Abraxas is supposed to be able to take the shape of a man with the head of rooster or a lion, with snakes instead of legs, wielding a mighty whip and a shield. The whip represents his power over men. The shield? I dunno. Not really specified. When he uses his god-powers, he turns into a great serpent, with the face of a bird and great crest, much like a lion’s. He ditches the human parts too.

In Sburb, Abraxas one of the most powerful denizens out there with Echidna, Yaldabaoth and Timaeus. And just like the other great Denizens, he is a mighty condescending asshole.  
Seriously. Expect mind games and riddles instead of actual fighting.  
Now, you might be groaning something along the lines of “auuuugh, riddles? Auuugh. I don’t like riiddleeees. Riddles are BoOOooOriiiIIiiing.” But dude, be FUCKING THANKFUL FOR THE RIDDLES, MAN. BE THANKFUL. If this guy actually started to fight you, you would get fucking OBLITERATED. ANNIHILATED. Your body would turn to dust! And that dust would turn into smaller dust! Which would then magically woosh away and disappear. YOU WILL DIE.

Dominique and I had the chance to see this guy in the flesh during her Brother’s land quest. Due to the circumstances of our sister session, which was stitched to ours, we were forced to challenge Abraxas in combat after his gamefiles were corrupted. Basically, if we didn’t kill him, he would continuously spawn an army of angels, which invaded the session, flying around and screeching like fucking nazgûls. It was _fucking annoying_ . But dude. That combat though.  
In combat, Abraxas is a force to be reckoned with.  
He is also particularly beautiful. I’m not gonna lie. Abraxas’ textures are really fucking majestic.

AA: mahoro wtf   
AA: tmi  
AA: i don’t wanna know about your weirdo snake kinks  
EA: omg not like _THAT_ _  
_ EA: the art is just very pretty dominique get your mind out of the gutter  
AA: the lady doth protest too much  
AA: its ok u can probably do weird shit with that dude youve been dating  
EA: Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhh,,,,, we’re not DATING.  
EA: (or at least I don’t think we’re dating? I think we’re not dating.)  
AA: ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) (eggplant emojis)  
EA: DOMINIQUE NO

When we entered the final room in his lair, we actually thought that he was a giant statue.  
  
His scales are made out of polished malachite, and his head, as well as his feathery mane, is made out what seems to be rather fragile crystals, a bit like glass. Maybe olivine.  
Anyway. His entire body is made out of rocks. Which means that it’s going to be very hard to actually attack him properly due to his insane base defense stats. Abraxas is a tank.  
Thank god for you guys who don’t have glitched out Denizens, according to game files, Abraxas only attacks every three turns, with a different move every time.  
His attacks are actually procedurally generated thanks to thousands of lines of code written directly in files carved on gigantic tablets at the center of your planet. Abraxas’ power is devastatingly powerful, but he is rather slow, so dodging his attacks generally is quite easy for faster players. Even though his attacks are all different, they generally are based around him using his Psychic energy to create incredibly power beams of concentrated light.

EA: Don’t touch that light.  
EA: It will kill you.  
EA: I lost a cape that was supposed to be made out of invulnerable fabric during a fight against him. His laser beam thingy literally turned it into ash. Be careful.

As I said, his attacks are easy to dodge. But if they touch you, YOU ARE DEAD. I’m talking about insta-kill attacks, over here. Total annihilation.  
Also the fight is going to last a LONG TIME. You know why? Not only does he have like, a gazillion life points, but the final room in his lair is filled with little portals, which repeatedly spawn, you guessed it, angels.

EA: Literally fuck those things. So hard.  
EA: It’s like the developers programmed those pieces of shit to be the perfect fusion between nightmares and the glare on the whiteboards when your teacher switches on the projector when you want to watch a movie  
EA: fuck those things  
EA: soooooo much  
  
Anyway. Pack up a lot of stuff that can instantly restore your life points and a shit ton of ammo because this thing might last for a few days. Blah blah blah. Abraxas is an asshole, we all get it.  
Let’s talk about the classpects now, willya?

~>}{<~ 

 

ROGUE OF HOPE

class type: I’m pretty sure it’s active? I think it’s active

 

Your powers don’t suck. Which is a good thing. That they don’t suck, I mean.  
…  
…  
I don’t have anything that’s particularly awesome to say about this class? So I’m just going to give you your abilities. Sorry if you were expecting a cool story or something. Sorry, sorry.  
I mostly know this shit because Jeremy and I stay up very late at night trying to read class descriptions from [THE GREAT TABLETS].  
Just in case you might have forgotten, [THE GREAT TABLETS] are like, really huge stone tablets our team found during a search party in a temple located in our Genesis Frog’s brain. I’m pretty sure that that temple is in every session so you can try to go find it yourself if you want.  
The place is pretty unsafe though. Like, there’s monsters around it and everything?  
Anyway. [THE GREAT TABLETS]. They look like you regular ol’ giant purple stone slabs. Except there’s like, all of the game’s code written on them in eldritch alphabet. Having all of the game’s code written down next to you comes pretty handy when you need to learn information about something. Since we pretty much have all of eternity to do whatever the hell we want with this stupid universe, we thought that translating them would be a fun idea. You know...So we can learn how to make the best of...Whatever this is we’re living……..… Yeah.  
…  
Omg wait someone’s calling me wait up.  
  
EA: Yeah?  
EA: Hello?...  
EA: Is anyone there? Please don’t tell me that you made me listen to Hips Don’t Lie for no reason. Jenny changed this thing’s ringtone and I can’t seem to grab the gist on how this watch works.  
EA: I mean seriously it’s literally a foam lobster..Crab?...Thing? Like… There are no buttons on it.

EA: Yo?... Am I talking to myself?  
\- - HoarseWhisperer [HW] joined the chat at 20:45 - -

EA: Who in the fuck  
HW: Dude it’s me  
HW: Jeremy  
EA: Ohhhhmigoshhhh Jeremyyyy haha  
EA: I mean hiiii. Hello. Good evening. Hahahaha.  
EA: Hahaha how are you man haha.  
HW: I tried to call you on your phone… Thing? But I spilled coffee on my microphone so I’m pretty sure I’m gonna have to throw this computer away now that it’s completely useless.  
HW: Anyway how are you doing man?  
EA: Haha I’m doing fine maaan… Just.. Writing this guide thing.  
HW: Yeah man I know about the guide. That’s really cool of you guys to write this thing for other players you know?  
. EA: Haha you really think so?  
. HW: Yeah, man! Of course I do!  
. EA: Omg hahaha thanks…  
. HW: …  
. EA: …  
. HW: So, huh… I was thinking?  
. EA: Haha yeah?  
. HW: Maybe we could grab some dinner at that Thai restaurant that opened on LOSAW?... You know?... I… I heard from Sachiko that you liked Thai food? Maybe we could go?...Together?  
EA: You mean… As a date?  
HW: ……….Yeah?  
EA: …  
HW: Are you okay?  
EA: Yes!  
HW: What?  
EA: Yes I’ll go! I mean I’ll go with you!  
HW: Oh..Nice!!.. So.. Huh.. It’s already pretty late so it’s probably gonna be closed by the time we get there...Maybe we can go...Tomorrow? At 14:00? Near the clocktower? Is that fine?  
EA: Totally. I’ll be there.  
HW: Alright then!... Haha… Huh… Bye then! I’ll see you there!  
EA: Yeah!... B..Bye, Jeremy!  
HW: Bye!...  
EA: Yeah!  
HW: I’m hanging up!   
EA: Haha yeah sure bye bro!  
HW: Bye!  
EA: Bye!  
\- - HoarseWhisperer [HW] left the chat at 20:48 - -  
  
EA: H… Huh… Let me just… Turn of my microphone as I squeal for a second.

 

EA: Okay guys I’m back. Huh… What was I doing again... _HAH_ , right, the guide, the guide! The guide.

Sorry. For all of this… This. Right.  
As a Rogue of Hope, you are able to steal the Hope of other entities in order to use it for yourself or others. You might be thinking, “what the hell am I going to do with Hope?”.  
Well, guess what, friend! In SBURB, Hope is something that is totally different than in the real world! (not that SBURB isn’t...real..b..Shit, you know what I mean.) In this complete mess of a game, Hope is an extremely powerful force made out of pure, blinding energy that is both liquid, gaseous and solid at the same time, which is _very_ confusing.  
But, heh. It’s raw energy! You know what that means? It means you can do pretty much anything you want with this thing as long as you know how to use it!  
You could use Hope to recharge your phone, or those AAA batteries in your remote that KEEP DYING FOR SOME REASON? You could use it to create laser beam! Or grow some flowers! I don’t know! Anything!  
Anyway. The move that lets you steal Hope energy is called [ENERGY REDIRECTION].  
I’m actually quite impressed at the lack of puns it that name.  
Your second move is called [GLIMMER]. It basically lets you absorb a lot of Hope energy around you so you can release it to create a really blinding flash of light. It blinds everybody, by the way. That means your coplayers will also get blinded. Be careful with that.

You also possess the [Walker] ability, which lets yours travel through your aspect, blah blah blah. All rogues have it.

~>}{<~

 

THIEF OF HOPE  
class type: asshole

Earlier, I said that Hope energy could be used for basically anything as long as you have enough of it. I didn't explain how it worked, though, so I’m going to do that now. Yeah.

Okay so basically, in SBURB, players get their powers from their aspect by tapping into the aspect’s energy, which is achieved by connecting to a never ending flow of power that goes through the universe. To make it simple, there are invisible, infinite seas of energy that float all around us, and those seas of energy are your aspect. Even though they are infinite, these seas of powers aren’t found everywhere. There need to be special requirements to be met in order for you to use your powers.

For example, Hope players can only use their powers if there are other lifeforms in their vicinity. That’s a pretty simple rule. As long as there’s life, there’s Hope.

The thief in particular needs those lifeforms. You basically take all their “hope energy” and make it your own. Unfortunately, if you overdo it, people tend to commit suicide, etc. One of the moves that always takes all the hope in people is [COLD HARD FACTS], which strips away all their self-delusions, feeds the energy that went into keeping them up into you, and then leaves the person you just stole from in a deep depression.

Your other main ability is [FUTURE SO DARK], which supposedly shows the player the worst possible timeline. No one has ever survived being attacked by this move, so it’s really a guess what this move does to the attacked person. All I know is that it’s unspeakably horrible.

~>}{<~

 

HEIR OF HOPE  
class type: huh

EA: HI OKAY SO  
EA: I JUST WATCHED THIS DOCUMENTARY ABOUT CUTTLEFISH OKAY?  
EA: And like see how in Squiddles the little cuttlefish thingies always tangle their tentacles together and stuff?  
EA: AND THERE IS THAT SONG ABOUT HOW THEY ARE BEING TANGLE BUDDIES 

EA: OR WHATNOT  
EA: YOU KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT  
EA: WELL  
EA: THAT TANGLE BUDDY THING  
EA: IS APPARENTLY HOW CUTTLEFISH HAVE SEX  
EA: MY CHILDHOOD JUST LITERALLY GOT FUCKED OVER  
EA: Jesus  
EA: What even do squid penises look like?  
EA: OH GOD ARENT HORRORTERRORS SQUIDS TOO?  
EA: DO YOU THINK THAT HORRORTERRORS DO THE TANGLE BUDDY THINGY  
EA: OH GODwait they could be listening  
EA: They have eyes everywhere. Litterally. The average horrorterror probably has like. A billion of them. Jesus.  
EA: Okay dude back to the chapter though

Okay anyway so this classpect in particular? Okay well remember back when I said that Jesus would have most likely been a Bard of Light? Well yeah I lied. This is the jesus classpect.

You literally are the very embodiment of Hope. Like. Your actual *body*. Is pure Hope energy bullshit. Like it’s actually insane the kind of things you guys can do. I’m pretty sure that with a bit of training, you probably would be able to do…. Anything? Like...anything anything. Literally. Pretty much omnipotence. I mean, not _omnipotence_ omnipotence, the game doesnt actually let you have that because it makes everything crash and shit, but, really, you have a potential amount of power that is so large that it probably can’t be comprehended by the human brain. So. Yeah. Knock yourself out. You’re one of the closest things to God that exists in this bullshit game.

Oh yeah, also, [HOPEY THINGY], giant wooshy-wooshy tornado of hard light. Very annoying. Very death. Makes people blind and shit. The usual SBURBan fuckery

~>}{<~

 

MAID OF HOPE  
class type: holy shit dude

 _Fuuuuuuuuuuuck dude._ Talk about a weapon of mass destruction, amarite? We haven't had a storytime in a pretty long while so yeah here’s the story of how we met The Housekeeper, one of the most powerful and famous players out there. Literally. There are _legends_ about this chick in universes she hasnt even been in yet. Imagine being so powerful and awesome that consorts in OTHER SESSIONS tell stories by the campfire about your exploits. Sessions you’ve never even BEEN IN. That’s how fucking powerful this chick is.

First of all, before we talk about The Housekeeper, you need to understand that there are a lot of players out there who have done such mind blowing things that their names have traveled across the multiverse. Their player level has gotten so high on the Echeladder that their names and their achievements were copied directly into the game’s files. Out of those people, you can find people such as Salem Eidhsur (the fucking idiot who thought that fusing with a Horrorterror was a good idea), some chick called Tamika Flynn, “The Eye That Watches”, lots of cool peeps like that. Dominique, Jenny and I will probably make it in that classment eventually. It’s only a matter of time.

  
\- - MistahFourtwenty [MF] joined the chat at 23:54 - -

MF: suuuup bitches  
EA: ok  
EA: What  
EA: The fuck  
MF: wtf what?  
EA: What kind of sick joke???  
EA: GET THE FUCK OFF THIS ACCOUNT  
MF: uuuuuhh,,, rude much?   
MF: arent u happy to see ur bestest buddy? lmao Im omw home.  
MF: wait shit  
MF: I think I forgot to scavenge the shale u asked me to get for the alchemy thingy  
EA:   
EA: Please just  
EA: Stop? This is fucking unfunny?  
EA: whoever you are?  
MF: stop what? Bruv ur acting fucking weird  
MF: literally stop what?  
MF: r u actually crying? I hear crying in ur mic?  
EA: it cant actually…. Thyme?  
EA: Is that really you?  
MF: ??what?  
MF: huhhhhhh, lmao, yes?  
MF: haha the one and only amirite? Wait seriously why r u crying  
EA: fuck just  
EA: please  
EA: whoever this is  
EA: I cant do this.  
EA: you cant just fuck with me like this.  
EA: not like this. This is too much. For me.  
MF: I have no fucking idea of whats happening rn  
MF: has the kid been trolling you again?  
MF: you know aliens dont exist right?  
MF: I mean lmao horrorterros are _something_ but they sure as hell aint aliens  
MF: dude?  
MF: bro?  
MF: brosicle  
MF: bruv  
MF: abroham lincoln  
MF: bruh can you answer??  
MF: I can fucking hear u breathing in ur mic u dildo answer me  
EA: Youre not Thyme.  
MF: ???????,,?  
EA: Thyme’s dead man.  
EA: I don’t know who you are and why you’re trying to steal my friend’s account or some shit  
EA: but my friend is fucking dead  
EA: hella. Fucking. Dead.  
EA: so stop trying to do this. Its not working.  
MF: what? Dude im not dead  
MF: like im talking to u right now u fucking idiott?  
MF: lmao i dont know whats happening  
MF: is this one of ur roleplay thingies  
MF: omg how am I supposed to rp a dead person  
EA: please just stop  
MF: dude i aint feeling this man  
MF: we talked like five minutes ago  
MF: I have screenshots and shit  
EA: wait what  
MF: yea u were talking about ur dumb boyfrfiend and sending me screenshots of ur pesterlogs and shit  
EA: wait wait wait wait   
EA: no keep going  
MF:??   
EA: no wait   
EA: you’re on your phone right?  
MF: ?? Yeah? U know my mac stopped working  
EA: what time is it where you are  
MF: like  
MF: 9 am  
MF: same time as you right?  
EA: dude what the _fuck_ no holy shit WAIT  
EA: what date is it on your phone  
MF: ??, uh  
MF: wait lemme check  
MF:  
MF: november 24  
EA: WHAT YEAR THE YEAR  
MF: oh  
MF: its 2014  
MF: u silly bunny is this a time travel rp? Thing?  
EA: holy shit  
EA: FUCKING TIME PLAYERS  
EA: AUGH  
MF: are u sobbing? Dude I hear sobbing who hurt u  
MF: I will fuck them up wtf is wrong? R u ok?  
EA: CAN YOU GIVE ME A MINUTE?  
\- - EnigmaticHallows [EA]’s microphone was automatically muted due to: muffled screaming at 23:59- -

EA: OH MY GOD  
EA: DUDE HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD?? WHERE ARE U RIGHT NOW???  
MF: Huh  
MF: idk like  
MF: the void? I think? Im kinda just flying around and shit? Wait wtf why am I supposed to be dead  
MF: ure being a criptic little shit  
MF: is this a timeline thing? Are u a different timeline Mo?  
MF: god fucking dammit   
MF: wait what year is it wherever u are  
EA: 2031  
MF: oh shit  
EA: tell me about it  
MF: thats like  
MF: a solid 18 years rite?  
EA: Yeah.   
EA: We’re 37 now  
EA: well  
EA: I would be 37 if the god tier thing didnt stop me from aging you know  
MF: you went godtier?  
MF: Thats pretty wicked fam  
EA: yeah kinda  
EA: its pretty weird tho  
MF: why tho? Ur a god, whats gonna stop u?  
EA: well see how you have to die in order to go god tier?  
MF: yeah  
EA: when you go godtier its basically just your dreamself having an upgrade, and then you switching characters with it. Dreamselves are game constructs, Thyme.  
MF: oh wait  
MF: that means that your current body is like  
MF: code and shit  
MF: as in you are a game construct right now  
EA: Yes.  
EA: Dominique, Jenny and I are not made out of flesh.  
EA: its really fucked up to know that I am living in the body of a clone of myself.  
EA: im not even sure if this is really *me*, you know?  
EA: what if they just copied and pasted my memories in my dreamself?  
EA: and the actual Mahoro is like… decaying on some stone slab on Prospit.  
EA: literally though that’s probably it.  
EA: I died 37 years ago. The game made an exact copy of me and gave me cool light powers.  
EA: but yeah.  
EA: im still like…. In this constent … existencial crisis thingy.  
MF: omg thats a bit like what I feel tbh  
EA: ??  
MF: well  
MF: I got high  
MF: like  
MF: really really high this one time  
MF: and basically with some other thymes from like differnt timeleines  
MF: we kinda lost track  
EA: what do you mean you lost track?  
MF: well see im not really sure who alpha thyme is  
MF: or whatever  
MF: im ok with this though?  
MF: like dommed thymes are all gonna die   
MF: but alpha thyme is probably going to die too at some point  
MF: and it looks like the thyme you had in ur sesh died too  
EA: so you what you’re saying is that the Thyme that was in our party that got eaten alive during the final battle might have not been the alpha one?  
MF: yeah  
MF: wait holy shit i got eaten alive?  
MF: thats fucked upwards man  
EA: Yeah  
EA: It was pretty terrifying  
MF: wait what kind of monster ate me? Was it like, a huge monster? Did i die a honorable death  
EA: you got eaten alive by a pack of hierophant-wolves  
MF: why the fuck did I prototype that fucking dog  
EA: I told you to prototype the cherry tomatoes but you just _had_ to play fetch with Chewie with the prototyping ball thing.  
MF: hey I dont control my dog ok  
MF: chewie is an independant dog woman  
MF: who dont need no man  
MF: also shut the fuck up  
MF: you prototyping your teddy bear was fucking ludicrous  
MF: I can still hear its retarded voice  
EA: oh shut up  
MF: “ohohoh hi im caramel and i like biiiiig huuuugs”  
MF: “I saw mahoro masturbate once back when i was inanimated”  
EA: this is so embarassing  
EA: okay  
EA: uh wait dude?  
EA: im kinda like, at work right now?  
MF: oh  
MF: cant you just keep talking as you do this shit? I mean you havent seen me in 17 years  
EA: yeah i dont know?  
MF: also what the fuck? Youre 37 but you basically act the same?  
EA: eternal youth is kinda weird  
EA: but yeah I didnt change mentally either  
EA: I guess there wasnt much to change  
EA: I became less of a smartass, which is good  
MF: finafuckingally  
MF: also where are the others?  
MF where’s Dominique and Jenny? Paula? Llorenç?  
EA: Well huh  
EA: Jenny kinda does her own thing  
EA: she kinda became this cool… bounty hunter thing?  
EA: she lives on her homeland.  
EA: Dominique and I live on the ship  
EA: shes at the convenience store rn she’ll be back  
MF: the ship? You mean the Blue League?  
MF: duuuuuude that ship is fucking awesome  
MF: I though there was no fuel left to power it though how’d you manage to make it work????  
EA: Dominique managed to create an arc reactor out of thin air with her void powers  
EA: which is pretty wicked  
MF: nice  
MF: what about Paula? Does she still live on the cat planet? Waiiiit is she on the ship?  
MF: can I talk to her?  
EA: …  
EA: sorry  
MF: wait what  
EA: There was an… accident.  
MF: What ???????  
MF: wait dude stop stop this isnt serious  
MF: youre fucking with me  
MF: shes not dead is she? Shes dead?  
MF: tell me shes not dead  
EA: … Im so sorry Thyme  
EA: … She… Sacrificed herself in order to kill the grey king during the final battle  
MF: …  
MF: …  
MF: W..What about…  
EA: Llorenç?...  
EA: …  
EA: ...  
MF: … Im so sorry  
MF: please stop crying  
MF: … Are you going to be okay?  
EA: ...Yeah..  
EA: I can’t believe we ended it all on an argument.  
EA: … Anyway  
EA: It took me a while to accept his death  
EA: but im fine now  
EA: its been 17 years of tough love from the universe.  
EA: Ill be fine  
MF: …  
MF: im not trying to rub salt on the wound or anything  
EA: (its more of a scar now, no worries)  
MF: but what happened to him?  
EA: …  
EA: let’s just say he got tired of things being so complicated.  
MF: …  
MF: how?  
EA: …  
EA: …  
EA: pills  
MF: …  
MF: …  
EA: …  
MF: im sorry  
EA: im okay.  
EA: he went his way.  
EA: it’s better than what was waiting for him.  
EA: half our crew was already prophetized to fall.  
EA: so yeah.  
EA: I guess he just wanted to be in control again.  
EA: instead of seeing himself or someone else get eaten by a space demons or something.  
MF: I guess  
MF: Pills are better than death by endless stabbing  
EA: Yeah.  
EA: I guess so.  
EA: …  
EA: There’s more people here though. After the game finished, Dominique and I combined our powers to propell the ship into a different session.  
EA: Jenny capthalogued the planets into her wallet which was hella cool.  
EA: And and we pretty much soared across the void until we reached the limits of oblivion  
EA: and our ship pierced the skin of our Universe Frog.  
EA: and it turns out there was another frog right next to ours in which was what could be considered as our sister session. We stayed there for about a year as Dominique stitched our sessions together using the Quills of Echidna  
EA: I met my grandpa there. But then he died too. Again. Turns out he had hemophilia. It made his life very difficult.  
EA: Jenny met her brother, who died by immolation.  
EA: and dominique met a teenage version of her weird bro  
EA: you know? The one obsessed with mac and cheeze?  
MF: Remy ? oh wait I remember him  
EA: yeah  
EA: well he died too.  
MF: oh shit  
EA: yeah  
EA: their session was pretty much identical to ours due to the entire Yin-Yang thing you know  
EA: so yeah  
EA: half of their party had to die too I guess.  
MF: fuck  
EA: I know right?  
MF: yeah.  
MF: wait wait  
MF: if you got to meet our relatives  
MF: omg  
MF: was a member of my family there?  
EA: I was just about to talk about that actually  
EA: your mom  
EA: like. She’s a teen right now.  
MF: ooooommmmggg  
MF: lmao I gotta see that  
EA: Saskia is pretty cool, yeah. Jenny and her are pretty good friends. They play golf together sometimes.  
MF: what about rence’s relative?  
EA: Turns out his sister is a lot sweeter than what he used to say she was. But she tried to flirt with me and it felt pretty fucked up since I use to date her dead brother.  
EA: so yeah.   
EA: she’s kinda doing her own thing too.  
MF: i can understand how that would be weird for u  
MF: wait  
MF: im on my land right now but everything is really fucking dark  
MF: why is everything so dark  
EA: you’re probably in Jenny’s wallet. I’ll text her about it later  
  
Alright huh. Thyme. Excuse me while i finish this? We can talk later when im done with this chapter. If thats okay with you?

MF: Oh yeah man do your thang

Thank. So...huh...I think I was talking about legendary players? I think? And how...Oh right!  I was talking about  
  
  
  
  
-

AA: wait, what? what happened?  
EA: Thyme came back from the dead  
AA: …  
MF: well im not the same thyme  
MF: just like  
MF: a different timeline dude I think  
MF: maybe  
AA: all the cool stuff happens when I’m at the store  
MF: ikr? I go fetch shale one sec and this kinda shit happens

AA: anyway back to the chapter

The maid of hope “serves” hope, yes, but that is merely a brief overview of powers that are so huge it is almost impossible to quantify them. Maids can either be useless or crazy powerful, and the maid of hope is the second.

You don’t even need powers- you can manipulate hope like it’s a physical thing, and basically do whatever you can imagine. So yeah, go wild. TBH, I have no idea what your actual powerups are, so like... go find The Housekeeper.

 

~>}{<~

 

PAGE OF HOPE  
class type: _what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck_

Back in ye olde times, before we were godtiers, we knew a page of hope. Complete weirdo. 0/10, do not recommend.

Pages of hope, unfortunately, are the type of classpect that is only vaguely useful when they’re godtier, and they tend to be really weak spirited. So, yeah. Good luck with that. Your only powerup is [HOPE FOR THE BEST], which isn’t even a powerup. You literally just hope for the best. In an active class (as shown in the next classpect) [HOPE FOR THE BEST] is actually kinda useful, but you can’t benefit from it. Seriously, what were the sburb people even thinking.

When you’re godtier though, you can use [HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR THIS], which is useful (but bloody) and involves at least three different kinds of dance/rap battle, depending on your creative strength. [HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR THIS] can be pretty mentally scarring though, so think carefully before watching a page of hope go into battle.

~>}{<~

 

KNIGHT OF HOPE  
class type: active.

OOooooooh better get ready for this. The knight of hope operates mainly by using music as well, but here’s the thing- the knight of hope is one of the few players that will usually make friends with the angels instead of genociding all over the place. This means huge benefits for you, because no enemy likes being faced down by a bigger, scarier, weirder enemy.

But enough of this talk. Your first powerup is [EPOH] which reverses everyone’s emotions- so if you’re losing a battle, the enemy is feeling confident, and you’re feeling like you’re going to die, you can use [EPOH], which doesn’t reverse the way the actual battle is going but does influence feelings.

Your other powerup is [HOPE FOR THE BEST], which, yes, is the page’s powerup, but this one actually works. Since the knight is an active class, [HOPE FOR THE BEST] can be activated during a suicide mission and keeps your heart beating for longer via adrenaline and various magic-y shennanicans.

  
~>}{<~

SEER OF HOPE:  
class type: passive, but cool, you know

See this guy over here? Super useful. No like really. Super duper useful.

You have this guy in your session? You’re like, _bound_ to win. Having this guy in your team is like playing GTA with the cheatcodes on. Or playing Zelda Twilight Princess with the internet opened on the side telling you how to solve all of the enigmas in the game and how to finish all of the dungeons.

Seers of hope always know exactly what to do in every situation. Fucking madmen.

EA: Dominique did you buy saltine crackers for the movie thingy?  
EA: I alchemized a shit ton of cheeze by accident and I think we’re gonna have summa that stuff for a while.  
AA: ????? um, no?  
AA: the movie thingy?  
EA: duuuude the movie thingo. We were gonna watch that overly complicated movie Jenny kept ranting about.  
EA: and by Jenny I mean Other Jenny. Not Jenny Jenny.  
MF: wait i think i may have that ish  
MF: salticrax  
EA: that brand still exists?  
MF: yah  
EA: christ

Your first move is called [WALKTHROUGH]. You lose your physical form momentarily and become a little ball of light with wins, allowing you to follow a player around without worrying about losing them in the fire of action. In this form, you have access to the game’s help system. You basically become a tutorial for...well… everything. Which can become quite annoying for the player. But it really helps.

Your second move is [HEY, LISTEN], which lets you talk to a player by telepathy from an incredible distance, stopping time momentarily around them so they can listen to your message. Dont spam that. It gets annoying after a while if you use it for no good reason.

~>}{<~

MAGE OF HOPE  
class type: fraud

Im sorry but your moves cant do anything. Well, _you can_ create holograms in order to confuse enemies or whatever but your powers cant let you do anything useful. You’re essentially the Wizard of Oz without the green. Sorry.

AA: um… that’s all I think  
AA: wait

OK so the mage creates things, right? That works really well with everything except hope. Your abilities are [THERE’S ALWAYS HOPE ] and [A THOUSAND CRANES ]. [ THERE’S ALWAYS HOPE] is pretty self explanatory, you live ur life and whenever someone starts to give up your passive ability boosts them up. Obviously this has some pretty weird mind control connotations, but whatever.

[A THOUSAND CRANES] is a little cooler, if by a little cooler you mean incredibly pointless and annoying. You basically can make mini-quests for other players, making them focus on busywork instead of the fact that sBurB destroys all you love and cherish. No deep existential crises, just a need to make mac n’ cheese.

AA: Yeah basically the mage of hope is only useful if you need someone on suicide watch.   
EA: your classpect is going to be relatively useless magic-wise so… Just… alchemize a lot of weapons or something.  
EA: your incompetence will probably be compensated by someone else’s talent in your session  
EA: thats generally how SBURB does things  
AA: haha remember that session where everyone was a sylph or a page except for the one lord of space  
AA: talk about overpowered  
EA: oh yeaahhhhh  
EA: didnt he kill half of them at the end to assert his dominance or some bullshit?  
EA: what a dick  
EA: oh oh  
EA: also I heard there was a new superpowerful player going around universes?  
EA: apparently a Lord of Time?  
EA: He’s really really far away though but its making me pretty excited, what if we meet him?  
EA: rumor has it he leaves those multicolored shapes in the void everywhere he goes. Like big cracks in the fabric of space. Except rainbow. Can you imagine how pretty that would be? Like… Like some kind of permanent fireworks?  
AA: mahoro, no.   
AA: Last time u went to go see something colorful there was INFINITE CARNAGE AND DEATH  
AA: even the horroterrors don’t like that dude

EA: but this one sounds COOOL THOUGH  
EA: I mean we’ve never seen a Lord of time before :o!   
EA: I could interview him for the guide  
AA: if u go to die don’t take me with u, I’m not ready for such a long-term commitment  
EA: pretty please? Come with me??  
EA: … or maybe I can go with Jeremy and Jenny `~` AA: goddamnit mahoro I am not going on a sightseeing roadtrip to see GIANT RAINBOW CRACKS IN THE FABRIC OF SPACETIME and I will not let u take anyone else either

 

~>}{<~

 

SYLPH OF HOPE  
class type: also a fraud

 

Goddamnit sylphs of hope are absolutely useless. Ugh. I mean, the literal interpretation is “healer of hope” (which already sounds pathetic) but they are like the only sylph class that has- and I’m being honest here- almost no use on the battlefield or off.

EA: im still really against the entire “Sylphs are just healers” thing  
EA: like literally passive witches  
EA: they should be able to do anything a witch does  
EA: except they cant make it happen voluntarily right?  
EA: I mean truuuuuuue sylphs have healing powers but im pretty sure it doesnt limit itself to that. Anyway. Pls continue.

So the main power of sylphs of hope is [CROSSED FINGERS], which basically manipulates the probabilities of the universe. But Dominique, you ask, I thought the Sylph was useless! That sounds pretty great! Yeah, until you realize that they’re only manipulating the probablity that everyone in your session will stay optimistic. I repeat: SO. USELESS.

EA: lmao

Yeah and ur other power is [HOPE THAT DOESN’T SCAR] which dulls emotional wounds so u don’t wither away in despair or whatever, also p useless. Like seriously not even a cool last-minute anime savior thingy or whatever?

 

~>}{<~

 

WITCH OF HOPE

Class type: the most fraudy of all

 

AHAHAHAHAHAHAactually this class is pretty decent, you’re faking everything but it usually turns out pretty well for the player.

EA: well  
EA: manipulation of raw energy is prettttttttttty awesome alright.  
EA: except  
EA: you cant do that due to a glitch in the main code.

EA: so yeah.  
EA: most Witches of Hope kind just… pretend to have powers?? I think?  
EA: at least I personally have never seen a WOH with actually functional powers

So yeah, you’re so glitchy you don’t even have powerups, but you can pretty much just run on ego, like a prince of light or something.

EA: haha good one  
EA: waiiiiit literally though? Have we ever met a Prince of Light that wasn’t a complete DICK in like… ever?

AA: haha nopeeeeeeee : P

~>}{<~

BARD OF HOPE   
Class type: passive but?? Also active? I think I dont know.   
  
Whoah there, dude. This is a  _ veeeeeeeeeery  _ cool classpect.   
I actually think that it’s really interesting how the Hope aspect only has either really awesome or really shitty classpects. Like there really is no in-between.   
Anyway, so as a Bard of Hope, your very presence triggers key events linked to your aspect. So basically, you just show up to the party and everything either goes to shit or to complete awesome-glitter, which is… huh… very confusing?   
I mean you don’t even have to use moves that much. Like.  _ You HAVE moves.  _ But you don’t really need them, you know? Like i’m pretty sure 90% of the bards we met just stuck around and did some cryptic ass shit and it just triggered super weird events in the medium.   
Legit though. We had a Bard of Doom in our session (Paula) and basically, just…  _ having her around _ would cause a massive fucking shitstorm of unlucky nonsense on our session. Like. Once, she showed up to our coplayer Jenny’s birthday, and shortly after, the entire planet got overrun by CRICKETS.   
CRICKETS, man.   
I didnt even know there was a code for crickets in this fucking game and she didnt even do it on purpose. I mean we earned a crapton of grist killing the stupid things but damn man. She just made that happen by… showing up?   
Kinda like Muses? Like, Muses do things by like………. Inspiring other people to do whatever their aspect wants other people to do, right? But they don’t need to do anything for their powers to activate themselves. They just need to… be there, I guess.   
So… yeah.   
I’m pretty sure that’s how Bards work. It’s kinda weird though since it doesn’t happen all the time. Like, it only happens when the Bard itself is being active? Like, we locked Paula in her bedroom for her own good after she accidentally killed me by telling me to “go die in a hole” and shit just stopped happening after that.   
So I guess you can control your flow of shitty nonsense by just chilling for a while. Chill. That’s the word of order for you class. Just chill.   
Anyway.   
Moves.   
  
Your first move is called [GANGSTER’S PARADISE]. By doing this, you make people’s hope stats fire up so high that they almost become overconfident.   
This is very useful when people need to just move their butts and do something with more dedication. It’s also pretty cool when you use this in battle.   
It makes people feel like they can’t lose.   
  
EA: It’s a bit like those drugs terrorists take to forget that fear is a feeling that exists, to be honest. This move would probably be illegal in the real world.   
  
Your second move is an attack move, that’s kinda creepy. It’s called [PYRE OF HOPE]. It slowly summons a multitude of glyphs on the floor, kinda like crop circles, except everywhere around you. And when it’s done drawing the glyphs, it basically casts an incredibly powerful blast of white fire, which devours everything on its path. The move only lasts a few seconds, but its pretty fucking deadly. So be careful with that. Be a responsible citizen. Don’t kill your friends. Be nice.

 

~>}{<~

 

PRINCE OF HOPE   
Class type: NOPE HAHAHAHAH but seriously nope fuck you nope nope nope nope fuck this, fuck that, fuck your principles, fuck your rifles, and fuck your eyebrows.

EA: Fuck  
EA: No.  
EA: No no no.  
EA: Nope. No. Nuh uh. Not doing this. Nonononono.  
EA: Nononononononononono.   
EA: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKI-tD0L18A  
EA: No.  
EA: Dominique I am not writing this thing. Nope. Fuck this.   
EA: Too many deaths. Not enough brainpower to unsee the bodies. Fuck. This.  
EA: I’m not teaching future genocidal fuckwits how to use their powers. Do it if you want to. But I aint doing this shit.

Ugh, fine. 

Princes of hope destroy hope. So, yeah, this motherfucker is a complete asshole. If there’s a chance that you could make it out of sBurB unscathed, the prince of hope completely annihilates it. This is done through either a passive powerup, [HOPE YOU DIDN’T NEED THAT], and an active move, [HOPE IS DEAD, LONG LIVE ME].

[HOPE YOU DIDN’T NEED THAT] is an automatic passive power that basically destroys all you need and love through total “accidents” by the prince of hope. The less the prince likes you, the more stuff gets destroyed. 

[HOPE IS DEAD, LONG LIVE ME] basically eliminates all hope/positive emotions that were ever in your head and turns you into a suicidal wreck. This means that the prince doesn’t even have to do anything, they can just watch you kill yourself while crying. You can only be protected by this if you have sufficient ego/you’re a doom player/you’re a void player(we’re so glitchy it gets absorbed). Otherwise, you’re dead. 

Stay away from princes of hope.

~>}{<~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're not dead! :DD  
> Yes, I know, the formatting isn't finished, I'll come back to it in a few hours.


	10. Doom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, this aspect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look, we can keep a regular update schedule and everything.

  
____________________________________________________________________________

** ASPECT 9: DOOM**

____________________________________________________________________________

☀

** DENIZEN **:  MOROS

Actually this dude is pretty ok. Like, he’s not so nice you’d want him for a friend, but mostly he just sits around and mopes about how his life has gone wrong (which is kinda weird, actually, given that he’s a game construct).  
Also he doesnt really look like a snake? He’s more like… A sperm whale? Except he has lots of legs? And he’s very very long? Actually you might as well compare him to like, some kind of mamalian centipede. Except he’s not a mammal. It’s weird. He’s weird.

It’s actually pretty funny because Moros is kinda like that one elementary school teacher we all had the _clearly_ hated their job? Talking about their failed relationships as they write on the chalkboard? It’s that one history teacher that thinks that the world is _completely rotten_ and that is super cynical about literally _everything_.

You probably won’t need to fight Moros. He’s the kind of Denizen that will talk to you for a few hours (you get to know about lore :D!) and then just kill himself after telling you that he has achieved his purpose.

Anyway before we begin, yall need to understand the fact that the Doom aspect is not only tied to Death and the apocalypse or whatever. It is the aspect that deals with FATE, that which cannot be changed within the timespace continuum. If TIME is a river, which can be controled with the right tools, DOOM, here, is a sharp rock in the middle of that river. The sharp rock cannot be removed. It can be avoided, if the person sailing the ship has enough skill to do so. But it cannot be moved. It is anchored to the very fabric of the universe.

Doom is the aspect that deals with what is set in stone. Much like the Light aspect, it deals with future events, and luck. But it also deals with Time. And it also deals with Life.

But we’ll get to that eventually. Onto the chapter, for now!

☀

ROGUE OF DOOM

Class type: eh pretty ok but they usually die

So basically the rogue of doom can take your bad luck and like…. Use it for their own good? This move is called [NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER] It’s pretty useful, because they can take your fate and put it on your enemy. The problem is that it’s kind of like a ticking time bomb, in that if the rogue doesn’t instantly use your bad luck it’ll backfire on them and KILL THEM IN THE MOST HORRIBLE WAY POSSIBLE, so yeah.  
EA: well it’s not gonna _kill you_ kill you  
EA: but yeah it’s gonna hurt  
EA: like,  
EA: really bad  
EA: actually yeah you will probably die.  
EA: yeah you’re gonna die man yeah sorry

Your second move is called [AND WHAT DO WE SAY TO DEATH], which you have to use BEFORE [NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER] so the thing doesn’t actually KILL YOU while you use it, you know?

Also you have the [WALKER] ability, you know the drill.

Think of your powers as a way to avoid fate. Fate cannot be changed, but it can be avoided. You steer the ship in order to avoid the sharp rocks on the river of Time. But what your enemies dont know is that you can also steer THEIR SHIP. Which means that you can avoid your sharp rocks and make OTHER PEOPLE CRASH INTO THEM. Pretty cool, huh?

☀

THIEF OF DOOM

Class type: like the nicest thief possible omg

You steal other people’s doom. That’s pretty nice of you, man. You know, this could probably be the cure for cancer, right? The only issue is that as you steal that doom, you get that doom. You keep that doom and, in short, die a horrible, agonizing death for the rest of eternity. Our best advice is that you do nothing with your powers, so we’re not gonna give you your powerups. Good luck, man.

  
EA: Dominique no  
EA: We only do that if the player has the potential to kill millions of people using that thing  
EA: If you want to use your moves and kill yourself go ahead man  
EA: But we warned you  
EA: Anyway have fun dying  
  
Your first move is called [SCAPEGOAT]. Things that were supposed to happen to other things now happen to you. It could be a good thing, like winning the lottery.  
But it could also be a very bad thing. Like getting eaten by a giant monster. Anything could happen. Use [SCAPEGOAT] and you won’t be able to dodge a bullet anymore. So be very, very careful.

  
Your second move is called [FATUM], or what I like to call “the dick move”. Remember all that bad karma you accumulated during your adventure? Well you can materialize it into some kind of weird aura. Strike anything with that aura and it basically corrupts whatever it is that you striked, giving it all your bad karma. Which basically is a less frightening doom energy thing.  
Now I personally think that it’s a super dick move because it means that you’re gonna be able to do shit without having to face the consequences. It’s bad. It’s an ugly move.  
Use that shit and you lose my respect. I’m done with you.

☀

 

HEIR OF DOOM

Class type: passive. Wait. No. Wait. shit.  
  
I’m very sorry for you. Life is going to be very painful.  
Now you’re not gonna die or anything. But. It’s gonna be painful. Very, very painful.

  
EA: This classpect is so sad. So, so sad.  
EA: We used to know a Heir of Doom. Barnaby. Poor kid.  
EA: His session was going to basically get completely destroyed due to an anomaly with their forge  
EA: they didnt have the necessary technology for them to scratch their session and we didnt have access to our ship  
EA: So he sacrificed himself in order to save their session.  
EA: He threw himself inside the forge, and Echidna claimed him.  
EA: it was so sad.

AA: I would have cried if I still had any emotions left.

  
Your first move is called [TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM]. It works a lot like [SCAPEGOAT], except this one is a bit different. [SCAPEGOAT] attracts ALL FATE towards you. [TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM] attracts only one specific event at a time.  
  
Your second move is called [FAREWELL, SWEET PRINCE]. It’s a powerup that works in a very emotional way. Before going on a dangerous quest, you can use this move, which will make all consorts in your session gather in temples in order to pray for you to come back in one piece.  
I find this move very interesting, because it takes advantage of Hope energy, which is basically Doom’s counterpart in the aspect chart. It’s kinda like… Imagine a fire elemental using water based attacks. That’s how weird it is. Doom using Hope to do stuff. It feels wrong.  
I’m not exactly sure how this move works, but it works. So I’m not gonna question it.  
Doesn’t work if your consorts are all dead.  
  
  
OH  
ALSO YOU HAVE THE [DOOM THINGIE]  
DONT USE THE DOOM THINGIE ITS BAD IT WILL KILL PEOPLE AND PROBABLY GIVE YOU _BRAIN DAMAGE_ OR SOMETHING  
OK BYE

☀

 

MAID OF DOOM

Class type: ????jesus??

What the fuck is even happening, guys. Why don’t maids make any sense.

EA: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ I dunno lol  
EA: ACTUALLY  
EA: I have this theory  
EA: that maids are basically a debug class  
EA: like they’re basically here to fix shit up lets not lie to ourselves.

Anyway, the Maid of Doom basically makes sure that people don’t dodge their fate and make a timeline different from the alpha timeline. It’s a weird job, but apparently someone has to do it, and that someone is the maid of doom.

You have two main powerups: [DOOM DOOM DOOOOOOOOM] and [DEAD MEAT]. [DOOM DOOM DOOOOOOOOM] (o’s vary with powerup strength) basically just tells the maid when people are supposed to die, and your job is then to kill them if they don’t die on time. Yeah, don’t piss off the maid of doom. The other powerup is [DEAD MEAT], which unites parallel timelines with the alpha timeline and feeds the extra players to the horrorterrors. Yes, that is exactly as horrifying as you expect it is.

Basically, you’ll never see shit go down and know it’s the maid of doom, but it’s pretty much a given that they’re behind everything.

☀

PAGE OF DOOM

Class type: passive  
  
Well shit, man. You know, the stereotype for pages wants that you guys are basically a bunch of wimps in tighty whities right but like  
You  
You’re some fucking dangerous shit right there  
Like I’m sorry but basically as soon as you get your powers, you kinda become an incredibly powerful killing machine as you basically become able to bend fate, and create doom.  
Yeah, you heard that right. Fate. You can bend it. And twist it around. You can control the ONE THING in the game that isnt supposed to be controlable. You fucking madman.

Your first move is called [TAKE YOUR FATE INTO YOUR OWN HANDS]. Its the thing that lets you change the future. I just talked about that like, 2 seconds ago. Weren’t you listening? Gee, man. You’re such a bad listener.  
Wow. Man. You’re so bad. Gee willikers man. Whow. Didn’t think you were that kind of person.  
  
Your second move is called [EVIL EYE]. It lets you curse people. Like, literally. You get to act like you’re the evil witch of the east. Have fun using this thing, you speedo-monster.

☀

 

KNIGHT OF DOOM

Class type: active af

 

Oh fuck, this class is terrible in the old-fashioned meaning of the word. Like the maid, the knight stops people from avoiding their doom. Translation: knights of doom are no fun at parties. The knight has two main moves, [ANTHRAX] ( oh god ) and [HAND OF FATE]. Yyyyyyyeah you better hope you don’t get stuck with one of these guys in your sesh.

Anyway [ANTHRAX] basically makes it so your timeline is no longer the alpha, actually turning it into a parallel timeline where everyone dies except the knight. It’s really, really horrible.

As for [HAND OF FATE], the knight makes it so you die your fated death, but like… way ahead of schedule. Shit’s crazy.

☀

SEER OF DOOM

Class type: passive but deadly (kinda)

You’re probably a pretty depressed motherfucker. Like. You get to see _all of the bad things. All of them._ Divorces. Deaths. Break ups. Conflicts. Famines. Wars. Earthquakes. You know when all of those things are going to happen. And you can’t unsee them unless you concentrate a LOT.  
The move that allows you to see all that mess is a passive move called [ THIRD EYE]. It’s always activated, and as long as it’s activated, you’re gonna feel like you have PTSD. So it’s going to be critical for you to understand how to shut your third eye so you can regulate the flow of information rushing into your brain all the time.  
Please. Do it for yourself. For your health. And for the ones who care about you.  
  
Your second move is called [ORACLE], and it’s really, really weird. It… It kinda involves you getting possessed by the game?

AA: wtf even  
EA: yeah  
  
Well your eyes kinda go all glowey glowey and you start talking in a very low pitched voice? Which is incredibly creepy? But yeah when the player is in [ORACLE] mode, you can ask them any question about the future or the past and they will answer! Without any riddles! Awesome, right !?  
You’ll finally know who your stole favourite pen all those years ago! But you won’t know who killed biggie, or tupac. Sorry. You can only read the past from your birth date.  
I mean it makes sense.

  
EA: OH OH OH  
EA: DOMINIQUE  
AA: yes what  
EA: okay okay okay so like  
EA: I went to that Thai restaurant with Jeremy yesterday?  
EA: it was really good!  
EA: I mean I had my doubts at first because he didn’t use his turn signals when we drove there?  
EA: I was like “I’d rather date a bag of dicks than date a person who doesnt use their turn signals”  
EA: but then we sat down and we talked  
EA: and we ate some really delicious pad thai? I didn’t even know that it was possible to eat pad thai in this game!  
EA: Also he’s really cultured!  
EA: did you know that he wanted to become a GEOLOGIST before he joined the game?

AA: WHAT  
EA: I KNOW RIGHT?   
EA: Anyway anyway  
EA: things lead to another  
EA: and he asked me if I wanted to go to his compartments in the ship to continue our discussion about astronomy? And I was like, hell yes, right?  
EA: Astronomy is _hella cool_  
EA: But turns out he didnt really want to talk about astronomy. More like. Ass tronomy.  
AA: … goddamnit mo i trusted you  
AA: why do you torture me with these puns  
EA: So yeah we had sex  
EA: like im pretty sure my hickeys have hickeys? I dont know if he’s in a for a serious relationship though.  
EA: i dont even know if IM in for a serious relationship.  
AA: ugh dude if u wanna hook up just tell him   
AA: and if u wanna write weird, sappy poetry about his nose tell him  
AA: or u could just say “idk what I want w/ the future but ur dick’s rad”  
EA: lmfao  
AA: u don’t just have to sit and question u kno  
EA: thats actually very true. Thanks for that.  
EA: oh by the way? How are things going with Jenny?  
AA: ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)   
EA: you sly dog ;)

☀

MAGE OF DOOM

Class type: I don’t even know anymore man  
  
Okay so  
You… You _create_ Doom? But you also control it to an extent so it’s kinda weird you know? I dont know, man. I just… I just don’t know. Mages are a very glitched class though so you better be careful with your powers. Fate isn’t something you should toy with.  
  
Your first move is called [ HERE IT COMES].  See those hobos in the streets of New York who wear signs saying “THE END IS NEAR” in capital letters on them? Well that’s you. Except you don’t have the sign. And it actually happens.

Your second move? Something called [FALSE PROPHET]. This is a pretty useful move since it lets you modify the outcome of a prophecy. Imagine finding a cave with murals depicting the end of the universe. You can basically look at it and say “hahaha, naaah” and make it so it simply doesnt happen.

Im pretty sure that this last move works kinda like a monkey’s paw thing. You want to prevent the apocalypse? Well guess what. You prevented the apocalypse but something far worse than the death of a world is going to happen.  And it will be your fault.

Anyway, yeah. That’s that.

☀

SYLPH OF DOOM

Class type: passive  
  
Okay so basically since apparently LITTERALLY EVERYONE thinks that Sylphs are only a healer class, I AM GOING TO MAKE THIS SUPER HELLA CLEAR so you NUMBHEADS GET THIS INSIDE YOUR SKULLS. SYLPHS. ARE. NOT. SOLELY. A. HEALER. CLASS.   
You are the PASSIVE VERSION OF WITCHES. When witches get to use do shit with their powers, you have to ASK your powers to do shit. Because sylphs’ powers are grown, independant black powers who don’t need no players to do stuff.   
So basically all you can do is sit around and hope that your passive as fuck powers will protect you and do what is supposed to be done.   
  
Your first move is called [ANY MINUTE NOW]. It basically summons an event in the fabric of spacetime. But it summons it literally anywhere, anytime. Like, it WILL HAPPEN. But maybe it will happen in 200 years. In the past. Maybe it already happened. Maybe it won’t happen when you’re gonna be alive. And it’s pretty fucking annoying.   
That’s why you have this super useful second move called [PRETTY PLEASE] . Using [PRETTY PLEASE] allows you to move the event in timespace for it to happen when and where you want it to happen… You don’t actually do anything, though. You just ask your aspect to do it for you.  
Like, you’re basically like:  
“Papa Doom, can I please have summa that apocalypse soon?”  
and Papa Doom hears your call and moves his schedule around in his agenda for the event to be slightly closer to you than it was before.  
  
So yeah. If you can take advantage of this combo properly, you basically are god.  
So have fun.

☀ 

WITCH OF DOOM

Class type: you’re gonna die  
Whoah there hahaha so   
You’re able to manipulate the ONE THING the game meant to not be able to manipulate at all. They were like, “hey, look. We’re gonna make this one game construct, okay? Doom, okay? You can’t change it. You can go around it and avoid it but it’s always going to be there in the fabric of timespace.   
YOU KNOW. UNLESS THIS MOTHERFUCKER SHOWED UP”   
Seriously _WHAT THE HELL, LIKE YOU BREAK SO MANY RULES???_ _  
_ Like okay we met a Witch of Doom during one of our trips between sessions and she joined the crew momentarily with her boyfriend right? Or girlfriend? I dont know

EA: Was Avery a boy or a girl? I don’t remember  
EA: Fucking gender fluid kids  
EA: With their  
EA: Gender fluidity  
EA: and shit  
EA: anyway I’m just gonna use they/them   
EA: seriously though even their name is fucking gender neutral

Anyway right so she joined the crew with her _significant other_ Avery, but their relationship was very complicated and like, I talked to Avery about her and they _clearly_ didn’t have feelings for her. I mean. Maybe they had feelings for her before, right? But he didn’t have anymore feelings back then. Every day, this kid would tell me that they were going to break up with Jessie (that was her name by the way) but he never actually did it.   
So one day I got tired of giving them relationship advice and I told them to break up with them and turned out they didnt have any memory of our past conversations. I was like “So when are you going to tell her” and they were like “tell her what” and I was like “that you’re going to break up with her” and they just went like “?? how did you know? I didnt tell anyone”   
And it hit me like a fucking bag of bricks   
That the reason Avery didn’t remember that he was going to break up with Jessie   
Was because JESSIE KEPT MANIPULATING THE TIMELINE TO POSTPONE THEIR BREAKUP   
I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK

  
EA: SHE WAS SUCH A BITCH OMFG  
EA: LIKE IM ACTUALLY IMPRESSED AVERY DIDNT JUST KILL HER they were SO PISSED  
MF: wait so like this girl was like  
MF: so desperate???? what kind of denial  
MF: how fucking shitty do you need to be to do such a fcking dick move like pls tell me  
EA: I DONT EVEN KNOW?? I mean like she could obviously tell that their relationship was fucking hopeless?? So why even bother going through all this shit to make sure that he stayed with her?  
EA: what kind of person does that? It was sick.  
MF: yikes  
EA: downright disgusting. 

☀

BARD OF DOOM

Class type: ohhh :(  
  
EA: Errhh…  
EA: The feelings.  
EA:...  
EA: This used to be one of our coplayers’ classpect. Paula.  
EA: She’s… kinda dead, now.  
EA: I mean. Doom players never really… Die completely because of how the game works.  
EA: We know that.  
EA: But Paula’s body kinda...  
AA:  ugh fuck this has really been an emotional week  
AA: brb gonna go get some food so I can eat my sadness  
AA: could you just….  
AA: finish this?   
EA: dude? Are you gonna be okay?  
EA: im sorry for mentioning Paula   
EA: we can skip this classpect if you want?  
AA: No, it’s fine, I just need a  
AA: I need a break  
MF: ??  
MF: she’s sad because of Paula?  
EA: yeah. I mean. She has her...reasons.  
MF: ??  
EA: well earlier I said that she died during the final battle  
EA: but I….  
EA: I actually have no idea what...  happened.  
MF: im very confused bro just explain this to me real quick?  
EA: well for the entirety of the session, We...we kinda asked Paula to stay in her bedroom for a while?  
EA: because her powers were like… Way dangerous.  
EA: You’re still in 2014, right?  
EA: I mean you _were_ still in 2014 before today  
MF: yeah its some random bullshit year rite now idk  
EA: Right so you didnt live through the entire episode we had with the catastrophes  
MF: catastrophes?  
EA: Bards of Doom.  
EA: They cause catastrophes. Earthquakes. Tornadoes. Tempests.  
EA: Wherever they go, Doom follows. It’s very… Sad, actually.  
MF: oh  
MF: I think I understand what u mean  
EA: You do?  
MF: yea  
MF: bards have some sort of passive power right?  
MF: so wherever she goes shit hits the fan  
EA: Y..Yes.  
EA: Well huh  
EA: For example.  
EA: We were all invited to Jenny’s birthday party on that really cool forest planet of hers  
EA: It use to be completely frozen so it took her a lot of time to unfreeze everything and complete her land quest, which involved the blooming of some bullshit flowers  
MF: uh huh  
EA: so Paula shows up right? With presents?  
MF: yeah?  
EA: But as soon as she comes the sky behinds us becomes really dark  
EA: and this huge swarm of crickets came out of nowhere and destroy everything. They ate all the plants. All of Jenny’s flowers. Everything. Even the cake was ruined.  
MF: oh.  
EA: This kinda shit happened all the time after she went god tier.  
EA: So we came to a conclusion that it was better for her to stay indoors.  
EA: She grew quite…. Tired of that.  
MF: i can understand why  
MF: i mean her land is so cool it wud be like very sad not to be able to go around and play and shit  
EA: She kept telling me that she felt useless.  
EA: ...  
EA: So when it came to the final battle, she wanted to go… All out.  
EA: mostly because she knew that she probably had the most powerful powers in our session.  
EA: Do you even know about the Grey King?  
MF: of course i kno about the fucking grey king wtf do u think  
EA: right.  
EA: well she gave him the finishing blow.  
MF: whoah there what  
MF: you mean you guys actually managed to kill that thing?  
EA: Yeah...She...She did most of the work, actually. I know for a fact that my fire attacks were basically useless.  
EA: and I couldnt do much with my happy dagger and my hologloves  
EA: you know I’m a support class.  
EA: Jenny, Paula and You were doing most of it. But Paula, holy shit. She did some insane damage.  
EA: But she… I don’t think she knew how to use her powers that much?  
MF: what do you mean?  
EA: She started to feel sick during her final attack. I don’t really know what happened.  
EA: She flew very, very high up into the air, to the point where I couldn’t see what was happening anymore.  
EA: I was protecting Jenny and Llorenç on the platform so I couldn’t really follow her but Dominique did.  
EA: … I …   
EA: Have you ever seen the face of someone? After they’ve made a very big mistake?  
EA: The face you make when you get that awful, gut wrenching feeling and you’re not exactly sure if you should cry or not?  
MF: …  
EA: …  
EA: She looked like… She was going to vomit. Or something.  
EA: ...   
EA: She didn’t come back.  
EA: As she rose, the Grey King started to die and wither like a slug trapped in a labyrinth of salt.  
EA: We knew that it was her doing because she was right above him, and he was oozing some kind of black liquid.  
EA: … I … I don’t know why I didnt follow her.  
EA: And Dominique doesnt want to say what happened.  
EA: …  
MF: …  
EA: …  
EA: …  
AA: ugh fuck fine I’ll tell you  
EA: …  
AA: stop making that face  
EA: sorry.  
AA: Paula….  
AA: She got in too deep. Didn’t know what she was doing. She collected all this- this doom energy stuff, I don’t even know-  
AA: but it backfired.  
AA: and she couldn’t die.  
EA:  
AA: so I was stuck there, watching, as she accidentally killed her sister, and as she died over, and over, and over, and over, and-  
AA:...  
AA: and-  
AA: …  
AA: oh, fuck-  
\-- AmaranthineAmusement’s microphone was automatically muted due to : crying --  
EA: P..Please don’t cry?..  
EA: I.. I’m sorry?  
AA: She- she was begging for death, okay?  
AA: she was begging for death, and the only way she could die was to be completely erased from the timeline  
AA: So I-  
EA: Dominique… I…  
EA: ...  
AA:  
AA:  
AA: she died, okay? She’s- she’s gone now. And she’ll never come back, in any timeline, ever again, because I literally ripped her out of the fabric of the universe.   
EA: I.. I didn’t know that you…  
AA: I need a drink.  
EA: Dominique wait!!

\-- AmaranthineAmusement (AA) has left the chat at 19:38 -- 

EA: shit  
MF: she can delete people?  
EA: thyme NOT NOW  
EA: I have to make sure she doesnt do some stupid shit i’ll be right back  
  
\-- EnigmaticHallows (EA) has left the chat at 19:41--   
  


MF: welp  
MF: huh…  
MF: … this is very weird?   
MF: huh well it doesnt look like those two r gonna b back soon  
MF: so im just gonna finish this ok?  
  
rite so basically bards make shit happen when like  
they show up  
and when like ure a bard of doom well like everything turns to complete SHITE because like u bring actual DOOM you know what im saying? DOOM. Like brrrrruuuhhh, imagine. imagine the kind of shit this class can get up to. like iimagine the fuckedupdness. imagine the amount of shit that collides with the fans of destiny man i just dk

MF: wait  
MF: arent i supposed to do powerups or somethin  
MF: oh well huh

ok well I dont know the names of any of this shit cause its pretty pointless, but whatever. ur  first move is, like, weirdo doom shit that fucks things up bad. imma call it [fuck shit up power]. u fuck shit up w it, idk how

oh and then theres some bardy power paula was talking about that she wanted to learn or somethin, probably called [fuck you power] or some shit like that. like i think i remeber some shit about how when she said shit like “go die in a hole” or “i hope you fall down a flight of stairs and die u fucking cancer” ,   
it actually happens for real.   
this is actually probably what killed her in the end isnt it? she didnt like herself that much

well fuck

MF: now i’m depressed

MF…

MF: this is dumb

MF: i cant write for shit anyway

MF: i’m gonna go see if i can find mo’s ship

☀

PRINCE OF DOOM

Class type: WHY THE FUCK    

AA: ok I’m back I’ve drank all the capri suns and monsters on the ship so I am FULL OF ENERGY and also STILL SAD  
MF: wait wheres mo  
AA: eh idk   
MF: but he went to find u  
MF: and stop u from doin stupid shit or somethin  
AA: well he’ll come back here eventually

AA: ….I MEAN I may have sent him into the furthest ring when he tried to disturb me

AA: a girl needs to cry and drink from pouches alone sometimes 

D͏OM̨IN̸I͝Q̀ÚE ̸P̸LE͞A̶SE H͝E͝LP̵ TH̷E͝RES ẀE̢I̴ŔD͠ ̵THINǴS ͢H̛ER͟E͡ ̛I͜M ͝SCARED

AA: fuck off I’m gonna eat your ramen cause I’m dead inside  
D̵̷̕͢O͘҉҉̛M̕͞I͘҉̢͜Ǹ̸̕͡͠I̵҉Q͟͠Ų̵̛̕É̶̀̕͡ ͠͡P̕͢͜͝͝L͏̵̨̧́E̛͘͢Á̧͢͡͝S̀͠È̵͝

MF: shouldnt u help him or somthn i mean like it seems p bad

AA: he’ll survive

AA: anyway if you’re so concerned go get him urself  
MF: lmao haha no

ANYWAYS, to the chapter. The prince of doom is weird as shit because the class automatically destroys fate, however it only actually HELPS the prince, idk what’s up with that. Probably something to do with the ego meter each one has. 

D҉͘͜͠Ơ̵̸̕Ḿ̢̨́Į̷̡̀͠N̢͏̸̵͠I̷͞Q̴͟͟Ù̀͢É̴̸̀̕ ̸̨̨͘͘T̴͟H̴̵̀͜È̵͢͝R̶҉҉͘E͘͘͏̶͝ ̸̡̡͡Ą̕Ŗ̵͝É̶͘҉ ͏S̶̀͠͏T̴̛͘͝Ŕ͝͡A̧̨͜͏̛N̴̷͝G̢̢Ę̧ ̴̶͝͞͏T͟͞͏Ḩ̶̕͟Į̷͢N͟͏͠͏́G̷͘͡S̡̡̛͞ ̴͜Ḩ̸̸È̷̀͢R̡͘͠͞E̷̷̡͘͠ ̴̡̡P̷̴͢͟Ĺ̛E̶̸A̡͘Ś̕É̷͘ ͏̸̴͟H̴̛͠͏̵E̷̛͢Ļ̸̕͠͡P͢҉͞͝ ̷̸̨́͜M̵̛̕͜E̴͘҉

So your first powerup is [DOOM FOR YOU, AND DOOM FOR YOU]. yeah basically u doom people it’s self explanatory, I’m too emotionally rattled to give you some shit story about that one girl mahoro and I met

ǪḨ̵͜ ̧M͟͟Y ̀G̢Ò͝͡D̀ ́̕I͟ T҉̸H̶͟͡I̧N͞K̶ ҉S̛O̷̢̕M͜Ę͟T̢̛̕H̵I̸͝N͘Ǵ̢̕ ̡͜J̢US̛T TOUCHED MY LEG?̴̧͡?͝?͏͏͝?͘?̕?̶?̸͞?̕͡D̷O͝͏M̴I̧͝ǸÍ͞͡Q̛U̵͘E̢̧

And your other power up is [BITCH YOU THOUGHT] which frees you from the strings of fate to, idk, fuck with other people like the rampant egomaniac you are? 

Ḋ̸̯̽̒͌̚O̳̝̯͊̍ͧ̇ͬͤ̀ͅṀ͙̪̭̊I̠͗ͮ̀̾ͥͮN̵̻ͮI͚̲̥̳̺̤̗͂͊̽Q̜̽U̡̿̆ͨ͑̌̐E̞͔͚͎͕̘̮ͣ̾̂̀ͤ ̠̝͈̪̩̙͕F͚̱̤̗̖͙̹ͮ̃̋̔O̩͌̃̐̈́̅Ŕ͉ͭ͊ ͉̐̌͗̈́̆F͕͋U͕̞̮̠̎̐̃̈́̉̍̾C̨̓ͭ̉̆̔ͤͥḴ͔̜̭̯̉ͨ͛ͤ͗̿S̢̜̲̜ͬͭͫͬͅ ͔̳͉̫͇̭̰͠S̼̣̯̫̩̖̼ͣḀ̧̹̮̬̩̥̓K͒͊͂̔͆҉̺̙̺̯͔Ḛ̰̙͙ͫ͒͡

AA: UGH fine I’ll get you stop bitching

AA: or….. waittttttttttt………

AA: JEREMY!!!!!!!!!!!

AA: COME SAVE MAHORO   
\--HoarseWhisperer (HW) joined that chat at 21:34--

AA: HE ENJOYED SEX WITH YOU, THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS TAKE HIM HOME FROM THE FURTHEST RING

HW: I am sitting in the next room and I heard you yelling  
HW: wait  
HW: he’s in the furthest ring? ISNT THE SHIP MOVING LIKE _REALLY FAST_???

HW: oH MY GOD

AA: whatever it’s voidy shit he probably won’t die  
HW: DOES THIS SHIP HAVE EMERGENCY BRAKES  
MF: were flying dumbshorts brakes dont work like that

AA: ((((thyme his dick is the only reason mo is cheerful lately don’t insult him)))))))  
d̡͜͢OM̛̀ĮNIQ̵U͝E̷ ̶̴͢Y̵̢͠O̶̡͠Ú͘ ̸͠SNA̕͢͜K͠E̶͟  
HW: wait what?  
HW: d-did h-he actually say t-that?

AA: say what? What did he say? I certainly didn’t insinuate that he enjoyed your date last night in any way or form, oh no. 

HW: huhh-h i hhuh… I.. I think I’m gonna.. Go get him?

AA: OH LOOK I THINK HE’S BEING GROPED BY A HORRORTERROR   
T̡HAT MI̸GH͡T̶ ͠A̸C̢TU͞ĄLL̛Y͏ B͡E VERY̕ ͜ACC͠UR̷ATE̷ ̀PL͠E͟A͟SȨ H͡ELP͝

HW: Wait? Is that his voice? Im hearing some static-y voice in the background?  
HW: MAHORO? LEMONCHEEKS IS THAT YOU?  
omg̕ p̵lea͝s̵è ̕don͞t ̷c̡all͘ m̵e͏ ̡t͢h̢at ͏in ̷pub̨lic???͝?

AA: ((((((omfg thyme did u hear that))))))

AA: (((((LEMONCHEEKS))))))  
i͠m ̵li͞ter͢ally҉ ͡so ́e҉m̡b͜aras͏s͜ed... j̷u̴s͟t́... l̸e͢t m͜e͜ ̨die̷ he̸re̷.҉…... ̸p̶l̢ease

MF: u do realize everyone can read that rite

AA: (((((shhhhh stop ruining the magic)))))  
HW: IM COMING BABE DONT MOVE  
the ̀v̸o̷įd ̵a̵ctu͘àl̸ly̨ ͝isn̡t t͡ḩat ̨ba̸d ̛co͏m͠p̸ared t̴o͏ ͟wh̴at͏ im feeli̶n͢g͘ r͞i̕gh͏t̸ now  
AA: calm down lemoncheeks

MF: mahoro shut your whore mouth and let destiny do the magic

MF: also thank dominique for making ur crush come get u  
MF: u ungrateful child

ơh ͢my̛ ̛go̕d

AA: I’m the best wingman (wingWOMAN) B)  
HW: I’m in the car! Can you recognize any of your current surroundings?  
EA: n͞o ͘m͏a̴n̡ ȩve̵r͢y̸th͘i͝n̡g ̢is ̷j̕u҉st͏ ̢b͟l͜ack  
EA: o̡h̀ wa͘it ̵my͝ ͏c͢hu҉mh͠a̢n͞d͝ļe͢ is ̢ba͠c̛k

EA: ̧th͟ats goo͘d̛ ̶r̴i͡ght?́

EA: t̛haţ ͟means ̡im ̴b̕a̴c̸k ͘ǫn̶ t͞hę ̕c͝li͠e͟n̡t  
EA: Í'́l҉l s͝ęn͝d͠ ýou my ̀co͞ordin҉at͘e͞s  
HW: thanks babe!  
EA:  No͏.̕.. ̶h͡uh̕.͞. ͏th҉..́t̛ha̧ņk͜.͏..̸ y͝oų.͞

AA: c’mon, Jeremy, don’t be shy!

AA: you should find him by using your-

\--AmaranthineAmusement (AA) has been automatically muted for violating Pesterchum’s Community Content Guidelines--   
MF: i can taste the embarrassment in my mouth  
MF: tastes like  
MF:   
MF: cool mint  
EA: t͡hat́ w͟òưld be҉ m̸out͠h̸wash̴

AA: …. AS I WAS SAYING, YOU SHOULD USE YOUR GAYDAR, JEREMY

MF: yeah i don’t think that was what you wanted to say

AA: well I have to consider the children  
EA: d̀o͝nt̕ ̀y̛o͞u ́thin̨k̵ ̨th́i͡s̀ e͘xcus͞e̕ ̸is̕ r̛e͞al̀ļy o̷u͟t͢da͏t̕ed̨ ̧th͞ough? I̸ meaǹ ͝kids ͏k͏n͜ow ̸al͠l҉ ͞the̕ s̷w̡e͡arwór̶d̢s any̢way nowad͡ay̸s͢

AA: eh  
EA: ALSO SO͜M͝E͟THI̶NG̕ ͟ACT͠UA͏LLY̵ ́ŢO̢U͢CH̷ED ̛MY L̕ÉG ŢH̀I͞S͟ T͞IME J̢ER̢EM҉Y ̶PLE̴ASE̕ COME ̷QŲI̡CK

HW: be right there, sweetheart. Just need to check my mirrors.

AA: (((pssst. Jeremy!))))  
HW: Hmh?

AA: (((He likes it when his boyfriends call him daddy lightlegs!)))  
EA: y͢ou͡ kn͘o͡w̛ I͏ ca̧n h̀éar͠ ̕you͢ wh͝en͡ ͟you̵ ͟"̨wh̴isp͘e҉r" r͟i̕g͏h̵t̢ Domíņique? ALSO JEREMY CALL ME THAT _ONCE_ AND I SWEAR TO GOD ITS OVER  
HW: Sure thing… Oh! Look! Your text isn’t corrupted anymore! You must be drifiting closer to the medium! That’s a good thing, babe!  
EA: (also what’s with all the pet names?)  
HW: You don’t like the pet names?  
EA: No! I MEAN! I don’t _dislike them…_ _  
_ HW: I’m sorry… I… I thought I could… You know? Since we’re… A thing?  
EA: Ohmigosh Jeremy I mean pet names are _FINE_! I mean… I’m...I’m just not very used to them?  
HW: Your past boyfriends didn’t give you pet names?  
MF: neither did his past girlfriends  
HW: You had a girlfriend?  
MF: ohhhh boy here we go  
EA: Can...Can we not go there?  
EA: (I mean that relationship was not exactly something to be proud of)  
HW: (I thought you were gay?)  
EA: I’m bisexual.  
MF: yeah hes bisexy do u have a problem w that?  
HW: What? No! Not at all! Wait, huh, I… I need to drive?  
MF: its not like he has a third nostril or anything jeremy  
HW: No man. I mean. I’m not even sure if I’m like… 100% gay either? So? I basically have no reason to … Discriminate or… Anything?  
EA: Jeremy. S...Sugar.  
HW: (*gasp*)  
EA: Don’t overthink it? Just… Please be here soon?  
EA: It’s… It’s very cold, here.  
HW: I’m almost there.  
EA: … Also… Don’t forget to use your turn signals.  
HW: I’m literally driving a flying car babe there are no roads here.  
HW: Or any other flying car in the vicinity for a matter of fact.  
EA: … Please?...  
HW: …. Sigh… Fine ~.  
EA: Oh… And Honey?  
HW: Yes, sweetheart?  
EA: Thanks <3

 


	11. Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't figured out the naming pattern here, you're a lost cause.

AA: JENNY?

AA: JEEEEENNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

AA: I need you to help us with this chapter of our guideeeeeeeeeee

EA: is she actually going to come or

\-- QuestingRoyalty (QR) joined the chat at 17:03 --

AA: JENNY!

QR: Alright! I’m right here, there’s no need to yell

EA: oh my god

AA: I was just happy you’re here :D

AA: oh yeah, everyone, this is Jenny, she’s my significant other and she is also a knight of life, so there you go.

AA: She’s usually off doing cool stuff with swords, but I managed to talk her into visiting us on the ship for a while :V

QR: Hello! Nice to meet you all, feel free to ask me about anything.

AA: Be nice to her, we want her to stay!

QR: I don’t think I’ll be leaving anytime soon anyway.

QR: I miss you

AA: <3

EA: I can’t believe this

QR: Hey, Mahoro! It’s been a while (。･∀･)ﾉ

EA: YEA GURL ITS BEEN HELLA LONG

EA: You never come by anymore, what’s up with that??

QR: Bounty hunting. 

QR: That’s why

QR: What’s new? Other than the guide.

AA: well apparently a time-traveling doomed version of Thyme showed up, he’s pretty cool

AA: actually where is he

MF: im just chillin in the kitchen making sandwiches

MF: btw hi jenny

MF: theres only ham sandwiches so if ur vegan or some bullshit now ur gonna have to suck it 

EA: Thyme don’t be rude

EA: also Im pretty sure I bought some veggies? What happened to the veggies?

AA: I fed them to that horrorterror that keeps trying to eat me

EA: WHY?????,,?,,

AA: idk it just felt like the polite thing to do, he seemed so hungry

QR: Princess, just because you don’t want to eat your veggies, doesn’t mean you can throw them at horrorterrors.

AA: no one wants to eat eggplant anyway...

EA: Dominique you cant just feed horrorterrors like theyre a dog under the table

EA: also VEGGIES ARE HELLA EXPENSIVE AROUND HERE.

EA: DOMINIQUE YOU OWE ME 3450 BOONBUCKS

QR: I’ll go buy more if you want. 

EA: JENNY HONEY THIS DOESNT CONCERN YOU

QR: YES IT DOES 

AA: shhhhh it’s ok I’ll just pull some more out of the void, problem solved

EA: (the void won’t always solve your problems Dominique. I’m watching you.)

AA: ONTO THE GUIDEEEEEEE

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ASPECT 10: LIFE

›|‹

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 ** DENIZEN ** **:** HEMERA

QR: Hemera is also the name of an ancient Greek goddess of daylight  
AA: well idk what kinda goddess Hemera is, because from what I remember she was TERRIFYING  
EA: Whut? Dude, Hemera is hella chill though? Or maybe I’m getting her confused with Nyx  
EA: yeah nevermind Nyx was the chill one.  
EA: remember when she invited us to that tea party? In the invisible temple on that bullshit planet of yours?  
EA: that was shit was bomb

Ok, so you know the stereotypical blonde cheerleader in american movies? That’s Hemera. The “life” she represents is a social life… which means that before you defeat her, you won’t have any. She makes all these really passive aggressive cutting remarks and you inevitably cry after every chat with her. And she really needs to be the center of attention at all times, so if you don’t dedicate yourself to your land quest she’ll fuck you up.

AA: she even made ME cry, and I was a void player :/   
QR: She does get REALLY needy, a lot of her quest is really taking care of the land or getting things for her.   
QR: It took me FOREVER to defrost everything

›|‹

** ROGUE OF LIFE **

Class type: passive

Okay rogues of life are actually pretty ok, even though your powers can be made into a totally evil weapon. You basically steal life from the “undeserving” and give it to people who need it.

This gives rise to your main power, which is [DOCTORS HATE ME]. You can make yourself and others seem young and healthy basically forever, as long as you keep taking life from others. As you get stronger, you can suck life from farther and farther away.

Another ability you have is the [WALKER] ability, which all rogues have. However, yours is special because it can be used as [ ALL WALKS OF LIFE]. This switches your soul with the soul of someone else in your session: consort, coplayer, boss, you name it. (Probably not your denizen, but who knows?)

AA: oh yeah fair warning [ALL WALKS OF LIFE] is a passive move, so sometimes rogues use it unintentionally  
AA: so if you’re a dude and you suddenly wake up with boobs, don’t panic.   
AA: although it’ll be hard to switch back, because the person in your body has all your powers, not you...

›|‹

 

** THIEF OF LIFE **

Class type: active

Oooooh boy, I really hate thieves of life. Your powerups, [VAMPYRE] and [ LIFE IS A GAME], are both really horrible. It would honestly be best for your coplayers if you just straight up walked off a cliff or something, but all thieves have really strong senses of self preservation so you probably won’t.

[VAMPYRE] is an active power that lets you suck out life from people, much like the rogue. However, unlike the rogue, you don’t even have to pretend to help others, so, yeah. You’re on the dark side now. Random warning: the PYRE is for the way that people spontaneously combust if you overdo it, so… yeah.

Your other powerup is passive, which is pretty rare for thieves. [LIFE IS A GAME] converts everything someone owns into a game construct, making it possible for you to literally grab something- their weird love for benedict cumberbatch, their ability to play piano, etc- and take it for yourself.

 

›|‹

 

** HEIR OF LIFE **

Class type: passive

Hey, a nice life player! Cool. Heirs of Life are like. Hella chill people. Mostly because half of them are complete potheads. But yeah. Really cool people. Really chill guys.

Anyway, your first ability is [VEGAN IT UP, BRO] which makes it so that anyone you associate with suddenly has a complete aversion to killing anything. It’s useful on enemies, horrible on friends.

You can also use [LET IT GROW], which basically makes all of the plants around you do what you want them to. It’s pretty cool. Just don’t use it to grow weed, because that shit can do weird stuff to your brain. Just buy ur recreational drugs like a regular person.

MF: if u really need pot that bad i can hook u up  
MF: with me  
MF: u know  
MF: because i have drugs  
MF: well if im not dead that is  
QR: NO  
EA: Thyme be careful you’re going to make her mommy senses fire up  
QR: TOO LATE, HUN.  
QR: I’M GOING TO GROUND YOU WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU  
AA: (ooooooh, she used hun, you’re in deep shit)  
EA:<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POy09x79WRk>   
MF: look its better for them to get the pot from me than that weirdass plant thingy  
MF: atleast i dont like  
MF: kill them  
QR: I suppose you’re right on that  
QR: Please at least put a cap on how much you’re going to give them  
MF: fuck no ill give em as much as they pay for  
MF: im not their mom  
QR: You’re still grounded  
MF: fucking shit

›|‹

 

** MAID OF LIFE **

Class type: p- passive????

[MAID WITH LOVE] is a passive powerup, where the plants based life around you start to growing like crazy. Like everywhere you go will be wildflowers and the like. It’s handy when you’re trying to start a garden, but not so much when you’re trying to hide from your enemy.

QR: I think you can control it if you can control your emotions  
QR: But that’s just from observation

You can also use [ CLEAN SLATE  ], which, oh, I don’t know…. Oh, yeah.

IT DESTROYS ALL LIFE IN YOUR SESSION EXCEPT FOR YOUR OWN. WTF.

AA: I used to think maids were nice.

›|‹

 

** PAGE OF LIFE **

Class type: passive bro

Hey this is actually a fairly competent page, surprise surprise. Your first move is [PROCRASTINATION SENSATION], which is a passive ability that affects all enemies, but not your coplayers (thank god). Basically it just turns the predilection to procrastinate up to eleven, so no one will ever get anything done.

Your other ability is [LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING], which basically stops other people from being revived if you choose to use it. You have to get godtier to use it, though, which sucks. So, yeah. Good luck with that.

›|‹

 

** KNIGHT OF LIFE **

Class type: ACTIVE AF

Life players are cursed with a terrifyingly strong tendency to mother everyone. And when I say everyone, I mean EVERYONE. Now with a sylph of life or something or a witch they would probably just give you food all the time and ask how you are. Not the Knight. They have this crazy need to “protect” people.

QR: This is the reason why I died so many times

They tend to go berserk on things they think are hurting you. That.. doesn’t turn out all that well in the long run. It’s best to either try to avoid them or distract them from your surroundings when you’re with them.

Knights of life have this awesome move called [SWEET SIBILANCE]. This ability lets them talk to plants.

Most life players have this move, but Knights have a more powerful version, because they can combine it with this other sweet move, [BEATDOWN] that lets them call up an army. When they use those two as a combo, you get this freaky-ass army of plants.

Cool, right?

Knights also have the superpowered move called [FOR YOUR OWN GOOD]. Basically, if they think you’re being threatening they can put a “shield” on your life force. It’s not quite the same as time vampire, but unless they take it off you’re gonna die in a matter of minutes. That means that if you have a Knight of Life in your session and you’re up to something devious, either keep it hidden or get in cahoots with the Life player. Super villain monologues don’t work out so well in this case.

QR: Yes, please don’t do anything that I would consider stupid unless you’ve told me before and I allow you to continue with it.

  
›|‹

SEER OF LIFE

Class type: pretty darn passive. You “See” life. That may sound like a really boring thing at first, but it actually is pretty helpful, since you have the unique ability to see your enemy’s LIFEPOINTS. Which means that, strategically speaking, you basically are BORN to become a tactical genius. Let me explain this in depth.

Your first move is called [HEAT SENSOR]. It’s a pretty sweet move that gives you the ability to sense any living creature inside Skaia’s protective field. Which means, you can detect anything from Skaia to the furthest ring. If you get out to the furthest ring, though, the move still functions, but its area of effect is drastically shorter.

This move is very useful, since you can use it to track down enemies, or spy on them. Also, basically nothing can sneak up on you. Don’t be fooled by the move’s name, though. [HEAT SENSOR] also works on cold-blooded creatures.

Your second move is called [POWER COUNTER]. When you use this move, it reveals an entity’s stats for a brief amount of time. (This means that you get to see their pulchritude stats, their life points, their mana gauge, etc. .) This move also works with inanimate objects. Which means that, yeah, you could pick up a rock and read its stats. Its retarded, I know. But that’s how the game works. So I ain’t gonna judge.

  
›|‹

MAGE OF LIFE

Class type: active As a mage, you create life, so, y’know, be careful with birth control in general. You can never be too cautious. Your abilities are [IT LIIIIIIIIIIVES] and [ZOMBIFY]. [IT LIIIIIIIIVES] is for inanimate objects, and although it’s fairly easy to use you have to be wearing a lab coat. Do I know why? No. Just make sure you think through all of the consequences before going for bringing your dildo or whatever to life.

AA: I will def judge you if you bring stupid shit like that to life

AA: this is a battle powerup not a way for you to make friends

[ZOMBIFY] brings anything dead back to life, but it doesn’t make the zombie on your side- so if you bring an enemy back to life, it’ll still try to kill you. Stay safe, bro.

  
›|‹

SYLPH OF LIFE

Class type: passive af

[HEALING INCANTATION] is one of your power ups. Better bust out that singing voice because that’s the only way for this thing to work. BUT it didn’t specify if you have to sing a certain type of song. So feel free to start rocking and head banging to death metal. Just as long as you sing well.

AA: who was it that always used “f u” by lily allen?

AA: she was hilarious

QR: I don’t remember either, did her name start with a G? 

QR: Or was it something else?

AA: G….gina?

AA: haha all I remember is when that dude was bleeding out and she totally left him there

AA: that was COLD

QR: I suppose

QR: But he did try to pick a fight with her

The other power up is [MY BABY IS GROWING UP], you get to choose a living thing and make it gigantic. Giant flowers, giant grass, giant coplayers, giant NPCs. This unfortunately includes enemies.

EA: they grow up so fast :y

EA: literally though they grow up super fast its kinda freaky actually.

Please be sure to perfect your aim, it would be unfortunate to end up getting squished.

EA: a fun thing to do would be to make someone grow for a really long time until they simply get crushed by gravity. Then you could live on them. Kinda like those turtle islands in those ancient story books.

QR: Those turtles are still alive and kicking

AA: mahoro, I think you might need to go to counseling.

›|‹

WITCH OF LIFE

Class type: aaactiveeeeeee

Ah, these guys. Witches of life can control life, so… yeah. They can use [SWEET SIBILANCE] in conjunction with [VIVA LA REVOLUTION] to summon a crazy plant army. [VIVA LA REVOLUTION] is a witch-only powerup that basically motivates npcs to stop being npcs and follow the witches orders instead of Hemera’s, which is always… interesting.

Witches can also use [EVERY WITCH WAY], which can give another player their powers for a short time (but only if that player is alive).

AA: we knew this witch once- I think her name was Lydia?- who gave her powers to her girlfriend, Anna.

AA: unfortunately Anna was an asshole and used her new powers to murder basically everyone in the session and then cackle with satisfaction, soooooo

AA: yeah moral of the story is trust no one

›|‹

BARD OF LIFE

Class type: cool guy

OK so the bard of life subconsciously creates life, etc. This means that your main powerup, [LIVE IT UP], is passive and impossible to turn off. [LIVE IT UP] makes people super excited about everything, act as if they only have one more day to live, etc. This affects EVERYONE: you, your coplayers, your enemies, that weird cat that lives in your house. 

Your other ability, [SWEET SIBILANCE], lets you talk to plants like the knight does, but unlike the knight you can’t make an army or anything. You just, like, gossip with them or whatever. 

EA: Wait. So like. Do all Life players have [SWEET SIBILANCE] to some extent?

QR: Yea, well most of them

QR: As mentioned in the Knight’s section

EA: OH. Right, right! Sorry. I was texting while you guys were writing it, so I didn’t really pay attention. My apologies.

QR: Don’t worry too much about it

›|‹

PRINCE OF LIFE

Class type: ugh WHY

AA: listen there is a reason why most people won’t associate with princes

AA: that reason is that princes are made of PURE CRAZY

EA: oooh, Dominique, tell’em!

Ok so listen. You know what Prince of life translates to? DESTROYER OF LIFE. THAT ISN’T A GOOD THING.

AA: calm down, Dominique. You can do this. 

QR: You got this, princess

Aaaanyway, Imma give you your power ups anyway. Your first is called [LIFE? WHAT LIFE?] which is a double attack. First, it completely depletes a player’s ego bar if they have one, and if they don’t then it just impacts them badly. Then, it destroys all of their friendships/relationships by killing everyone that they love or care about. 

EA: imagine a giant rainbow of ugly destroying everything, coming out of the Prince’s mouth.

EA: This is the way of the Prince of Life.

Yeah. Princes of life aren’t much fun at parties. 

They also have this thing where they can work with other players called [LIFE GOES ON]. If one of your important players (read: time or space player) goes down, they can start using the powers the dead player would have had if they were god tier. If you have a dick life player, you better hope they don't learn about this move. One time, we had this crazy prince who killed both the important players to get more power. It was terrifying.

›|‹

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one bites the dust... (Bam-bam) another one bites the dust... (bam-bam) and another one down, and another one down, and the next chapter on tuesday (bam-bam)


	12. Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know, that stuff that runs in our veins?

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

ASPECT 11: BLOOD

∂

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

DENIZEN: AMAN

 

Ok, so there’s been a rumor going around for a few years that Aman is the denizen given to weak people who can’t cut it with another denizen. Not true. He’s actually fairly deadly, but like Nyx, he feels bad for his players so he won’t fight back if you try to kill him.

 

In general, though, you can get him pretty angry if you destroy any of his “collection”: weirdly enough, Aman has a set of photographs that exist outside time. These pictures are of every player he’s ever been given, AND every player that he ever thought was interesting. There are a LOT of pictures, lemme tell you.

 

AA: he even has captions on some of them

AA: “Won”

AA: “Lost”

AA: “Cursed to wander paradox space forever writing shitty guides for other players”

AA: you know, that sort of thing

QR: By every player, are we talking about ones outside of his own people?

QR: It would be kinda weird and interesting that he could have a bunch of photos of us

AA: he basically takes pictures of players as they enter the game if he thinks their story will be interesting.

 

Anyway, he’s generally reluctant to fight you. Just talk to him nicely and he’ll let you free.

 

∂

 

ROGUE OF BLOOD

Class Type: Passive

Blood as an aspect deals with bonds between people- friendship, hatred, etc. The Rogue of Blood, then, has this weird thing where you steal something totally abstract and replace it with something else totally abstract.

For example, your first ability is [INVERSION], which lets you switch one kind of feeling for another. It doesn’t work if the two people you’re working with don’t have any relationship, but if they hate each other and you want them to be friends, use [INVERSION] and they’ll probably start making out all over the place.  
  
AA: yeah, fair warning, the stronger the feelings of hatred are initially the stronger the feelings of affection will be when theyre inverted  
AA: So be careful, dont use this on your significant other unless you want to get dumped.

QR: I remember how Suzy used this on one of her teammates to get him to like her

QR: He didn’t change the way he acted and that’s how she found out he had a crush on her

QR: Super awkward

QR: I wonder how she’s doing

 

Your other ability is [DONT CALL HIM] which basically erases feelings that people may have had for each other. The only problem with this is that the Rogue class doesn’t like it when you hurt people, so if you use this on a pair of people that SBurB randomly decides belong together, the powerup won’t work and life will suck.  


EA: Basically, if you’re a Rogue of Blood, you wreck shit up for the greater good. Your girl Janice is in an abusive relatonship?  
EA: Well its YOUR JOB to make sure that the abusive asshole she is dating disappears from the circulation.  
EA: You’re basically relationship-Batman.

 

∂

  
THIEF OF BLOOD

Class Type: bad bitch

Oooooh, thieves of blood are freaky. You always end up being the most loved player in a session, because you have two really scary moves- [REDIRECT AFFECT(ION)] and [LOVE TO HATE ME].

[REDIRECT AFFECT(ION)] does exactly what it says on the tin, which is to make other people love you instead of each other. Fair warning, the move actually just redirects whatever feelings your coplayers had for each other and points them at you, so if they secretly hate each other you’re fucked.

[LOVE TO HATE ME] makes the person you used it on so fixated on you that they can’t defeat you.

AA: for example, I knew a thief of blood (anya, I think?) who used [LOVE TO HATE ME] on her jack noir.  
AA: he stayed up all night lovingly drawing x’s over her face in every photo and planning her death  
AA: only problem was that he couldn’t hold back his emotions long enough to actually kill her  
AA: or eat  
AA: or sleep  
AA: so basically he died and we didn’t have to do anything, yay anya.

 

∂

  
HEIR OF BLOOD

Class Type: Passive

Heirs of blood are really nice in general, one of my favorite classpects actually. I hate heirs of blood and everything they stand for. You guys are protected by the emphermeral idea of relationships, so if you’re in a session chances are you won’t even need to fight any enemies: instead they’ll just think of you as their bff.

Your first ability is [BLOOD BROTHERS], which solidifies relationships and grows any positive feelings that may exist towards you. This seems small, I know, but it’s actually very powerful. If one of the imps, for example, ever was happy about something you did, you can use [BLOOD BROTHERS] to turn that brief moment of happiness into a lasting loyalty. I’ve seen heirs of blood use [BLOOD BROTHERS] to make giant armies, don’t underestimate it.

Your other ability is [COMMON CAUSE], which takes anything that people have in common and dials it up to 300%. Again, this is really useful if you want an army.  
  
EA: I’m actually very impressed by Heirs’ ability to literally always be little childish, petty motherfuckers?  
EA: Is that one of the requirements to get this classpect? Be childish?  
EA: No like literally.  
AA: what are you talking about bro???  
AA: I mean generally heirs of blood make everyone like them because of their class right?  
AA: ….oh, wait.  
AA: is this about ur asshole grandpa again  
EA: see how fucked up that is? SEE HOW FUCKED UP THAT IS?  
EA: YOU DIDNT EVEN LIKE HIM HE JUST MANIPULATED YOU INTO IT!!

QR: What are you guys talking about?  
AA: wait imma do voidy shit to see if he really did manipulate me brb  
EA: How did NONE OF YOU SEE THAT HE WAS SUCH A DICK  
AA: …  
AA: …  
AA: …  
AA: OH WAIT HOLY SHIT HE WAS SUCH AN ASSHOLE  
AA: HE HIT ON JENNY?????  
QR: HE DID????  
QR: WHAT????  
AA: HOW DID HE MAKE ME FORGET THAT WTF?????  
EA: I have no idea how your powers work but yeah I would not be surprised _at all_ if that actually happened.  
EA: Grandpa Henry was a fuckboy. Biggest fuckboy in existence.  
EA: Wait up though by “voidy shit” wtf do you mean? Do you have some sort of archived rich text version of all of ours actions or something? Thats super creepy dominique  
AA: I texted oglogoth to ask wtf happened w/ ur grandad  
AA: and then used the void to erase every powerup that had been used on me, duh  
AA: also didnt u write some account of everything that happened in our session? dont be throwin stones dude  
EA: Account _?_ IT’S CALLED A _MEMOIRE_ , DOMINIQUE.  
AA: how tf would I know that I’m not french  
MF: hol up tho u have oglogoths phone number  
MF: is literally noone going to question that or  
AA: oglogoth is a friend of mine, we have tea and gossip sessions every wednesday  
QR: Sometimes I join in  
AA: his wife is such a bitch  
MF: dominique  
MF: u kno how u guys have bn running away from like literally every sessions  
MF: bcs for some reason horrorettors always find you guys again and then they try to kill u?  
MF: like im not pointing fingers or anything  
MF: but  
MF: maybe  
MF: it has smthing to do with the fact that yall have fucking sleepover sessions  
AA: haha nah im bouncing my signal off a server in the furthest ring, its totes encrypted  
AA: we get found bc SOMEONE (coughcoughmahorocoughcough)  
AA: keeps tryin to revive our fallen coplayers and shit always goes wrong  
EA: im a **_LIGHT PLAYER_** , domino. Of course they can find us.  
EA: im basically a walking neon sign saying “GET’EM BOYS”  
AA: call me domino again and the only light will be u spontaneously combusting  
QR: Hon, please don’t  
EA: im sorry  
EA: also wait  
EA: i’m immune to fire based attacks tho  
AA: not if I use the void to remove ur immunity abilities  
AA: dont think i wont  
EA: I fucking hate your classpect  
HW: language.  
AA: fuck off m8  
EA: im sorry  
HW: it’s fine.

 

∂

  
MAID OF BLOOD

Class Type: Pactive

Every time I get to maids, I’m like: “what?” And the universe gives me a giant middle finger in response. Such a beautiful world.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure that you have the general ability to “clean up” relationships: aka take out any feelings that dont match with the whole.

Your first ability, matching my original hypothesis, is [PURIFY]: it makes existing feelings stronger and removes conflict. So if someone is in a love-hate relationship, you can remove either love or hate and they’ll stop telling everyone about their relationship troubles.

The other thing you can do is [KEEP IT CLEAN], which, uh, enforces abstinence.

AA: I see no occasion where this could be remotely useful????????  
AA: seriously wtf??????

 

∂

  
PAGE OF BLOOD

Class Type: Passive

Ehhhhhh, page of blood is an ok class, I guess. Your main abilities are [THICKER THAN] and [SACRIFICIAL LAMB]. [THICKER THAN] is a kind of weird powerup. It’s a passive ability that makes it so you can walk on water. Can you do anything else? No. Is it related to relationships?? No. Sorry about that. If it makes you feel any better, [THICKER THAN] is actually pretty useful if you need to run away from something.

[SACRIFICIAL LAMB] basically tells you when a player’s about to go genocidal, and it guides you so that you die instead of them killing everyone in the session. You become a martyr, and your coplayers might survive. Yay.

Please note the ‘might’.

 

∂

  
KNIGHT OF BLOOD

Class Type: Active

QR: Um, hey guys?

QR: I think I should get back to work

QR: It’s calling for me

QR: Sorry, I can’t help you guys much on the book

QR: Just don’t forget to take care of yourselves

AA: :((((( ok bye :((((((

AA: dont forget that I’m pining for you over here :(((((((

QR: Haha, how can I forget?

QR: I’ll leave when we’re done with this chapter okay?

 

Alright. Knights of Blood are something else.

  
The Knight class’s role is mostly about protection. Your goal is to make sure your teammates don’t die and stay healthy. Since you’re a knight, it means that you’re the kind of person who would not hesitate to incapacitate other people in order to defend what you fight for.

  
The Knight of Blood is, in my opinion, the best example you could give to someone in order to properly show them what a sburban Knight is.  
Your first move is called [BLOOD PACT], and it is your best friend. [BLOOD PACT] binds your lifeforce with one of your teammates, making them impossible to kill unless you die first. They can still take damage, but they won’t be able to actually die unless you die too. You kinda become their horcrux, if that makes sense to you. This move is quite practical when you really need to protect one of your companions during a sticky situation. I mean, it grants literal immortality to a player of your choice until the day of your death. It’s overpowered, sure. But it works, and the fact that it works is a huge advantage to your classpect (you know, since basically everything in this game runs on glitches).

  
Your second move is called [CRIMSON CELL]. This move directly taps on your very lifeforce to function. It creates an extremely resistant blood-like material which you can bend around to create walls, bubbles, or more interestingly, “cages”, perfect for incapacitating enemies, or sometimes, friends.

∂

SEER OF BLOOD

Class Type: Passive

Hoooooh boy, this is a weird classpect. Your first ability is [THE BLOOD MOON RISES] which, even though it sounds really cool, is actually useless. 

But what does it do, you ask? It tells you when your coplayers are having their periods. Goddamnit, sburb, why. 

Your other ability is [CONNECTION PERCEPTION] which lets you know how your coplayers feel about each other, etc. This can actually be useful if you don’t wanna be backstabbed. 

AA: oh yeah, and you can’t turn either ability off. Sorry about that. 

∂

MAGE OF BLOOD

Class Type: who even knows

Mages of blood have two settings: useless and THE MOST TERRIFYING THING IN THE SESSION. You have to grind a LOT to get to your active powerups, but once you do, hell rains down on your enemies. It isn’t pretty.

Your passive ability is [RED THREAD], which allows you to see the relationships between other people. When you get to godtier you’ll be able to turn it off or whatever, but if you haven’t made it up there yet it’s basically just annoying. 

Your active ability, on the other hand, is [HEMOGOBLIN]. [HEMOGOBLIN] lets you rip the blood out of the bodies of your coplayers/enemies (this will kill them, btw) and use it to form a weapon… or a minion under your command, depending on how much power you use. Fair warning, this can take so much energy out of you that you pass out right afterwards, which is annoying. Another warning: the game creaters realized this was pretty overpowered, so you can only take the blood out of one person. 

tldr: don’t try to make a blood giant, you weirdo, because it wont work and you’ll die. 

∂

SYLPH OF BLOOD

Class Type: Passive

Okay so the sylph of blood is basically a marriage counselor on steroids. This isn’t even limited to romantic relationships- the sylph keeps everyone together. This skill can be used both in a passive move, [THE BLOOD THAT BINDS], and an active move, [RED CROSS]. 

[THE BLOOD THAT BINDS] can only be deactivated when you’re god tier, so get used to it. It reduces negative emotions but doesn’t eliminate them- so if you insult your best friend you might pull through, but if you try to stab them or whatever it probably won’t work out. 

[RED CROSS] acts kind of like a band-aid for relationships. It takes positive or negative feelings between people and mixes them up, like a weirdo blender for personal relations. At the end, all interactions are kind of an average. Be careful: this is pretty much mind control. If another player can break free, they’re gonna be pissed at you. 

∂

WITCH OF BLOOD

Class Type: Active

Witches of blood are frickin scary, I’m not gonna lie. You’re one of the few witches that has a passive ability- [BLOOD OF THE FATHER]. [BLOOD OF THE FATHER] basically gives you whatever abilities your guardian had, increased to 2000 times what they were. This is awesome when your dad was a ninja but pretty useless when he was a champion baker.

Your other ability is [SECTUMSIMMER]. You make a potion, which in and of itself is weird (I think you have to use blood as an ingredient or something??) and then use the potion like a bomb- lob it at whatever you dislike. The potion will literally make the attacked person’s blood boil. BOIL. I have literally never seen someone survive this unless they were godtier, and even then it’s sometimes seen as a “heroic” death. 

∂

BARD OF BLOOD

Class Type: Passive

Your first powerup: [SING ME A LOVE SONG]. Really any song would work. It’s suppose to help boost whatever feelings exist between coplayers. It’s good if they’re getting along, not so much if they hate each other. 

Your other ability is [PASSIVE REGRESSIVE] which erodes relationships. This is a passive ability (no shit), it can’t be turned off ever, so you should go lock yourself up in your room and not associate with anyone. 

∂

PRINCE OF BLOOD

Class Type: ACTIVE

Just to let you know, couples HATE you, like, REALLY, REALLY HATE YOU. Your name pretty much translates to ‘Destroyer of relationships’.

[IF I CAN’T GET YOU, NO ONE CAN]- okay, this thing is what MURDERS relationships. This passive ability makes people paranoid af and makes them question and fight people they love. Your presence in general takes everything slightly suspicious and blows it out of proportions. 

QR: Did we ever run into one?

AA: ugh maybe? I think his name was jordan or some nonsense

AA: he was an idiot though

The other ability you have is [LAST STRAW] which makes one small event, no matter how tiny, become the biggest issue possible and eliminate any feelings between two people. Ironic as it is, [LAST STRAW] can be used for both harm and good, since relationships can be antagonistic or friendly. Still, I’d advise you to stay away from this powerup until you really have a handle on your powers. 

∂

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll post the new chapter next tuesday. :)


	13. Breath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoosh, there it goes. It's wind, dipshit, what did you expect.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ASPECT 12: BREATH

~

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DENIZEN: TYPHEUS

 

Typheus is probably the most fair denizen. He’s not nice to you, but he won’t fuck too much with you. He’s like that teacher that gives you a rubric: you know what he wants, and you should give it to him if you don’t want to die a horrible death.

 

AA: also he really likes music for some reason? IDK. 

~

ROGUE OF BREATH

Class type: passive

 

All right, first of all we need to clear some stuff up. Breath isn’t just that stuff that goes in and out of your lungs. It’s the wind itself, and in some cases it can also represent freedom, like blood represents relationships. 

 

With that understood, your first ability is [FREE THE PEOPLE]. You can metaphorically take the freedom of someone (the most applicable person for you will probably be the black king or queen, although coplayers can be affected by this as well) and give it to others. This has the effect of dissolving loyalty completely. It doesn’t give that loyalty to you, though, so I’m not sure how useful you’ll find it. 

 

You can also use [A BREATH OF FRESH AIR] which lets people out of jail/basically any imprisonment. Can’t use it for your own good, though.    
(also you have the walker ability thing so yeah you can literally walk on thin air, good for you, you fucking anime character)

~

THIEF OF BREATH

Class type: active

 

A thief of breath is one smooth motherfucker. They steal your freedom, usually by using either [TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY] or [ASTHMA]. 

 

[TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY] basically just seduces someone, no fancy stuff there. [ASTHMA] just… it gives you an asthma attack. Carry around an inhaler if you get a thief of breath in your session, just to make sure you don’t die. 

~

HEIR OF BREATH

Class type: passive but also a bit active but like why are we even trying at this point   
  
Okay so basically one of the few things I can actually say about you guys is that you’re COMPLETE FUCKING IMMATURE DICKS. Really. No seriously. Have you ever met a Heir of Breath ( _ ANY HEIR, ACTUALLY??? _ ) that wasnt a complete chunk of dick?? Like BE HONEST OKAY? Like I know I’m not supposed to discriminate on this fucking guide but like,,,, honestly??? Heirs are DICKS. You know why you’re heirs in the first place?   
You know why land quests are called “MATURITY QUESTS”??? Because those quests are made for you to  **_grow the fuck up_ ** . I’m completely fucking serious. That’s how the game works.   
When you enter SBURB, some bullshit algorithm looks at your personality and goes   
“Oh, this one is weak but they have the willpower to do brilliant shit and they care about life and stuff so let’s make him a knight to push their limits a little bit right?”   
Or “ oooh this one is really mature but is very socially awkward so lets give them a social class like, a maid or something,, so they have to start working with other people” it makes sense, the game gives you some bullshit classpect or something, right? And it works a bit like therapy. It’s very simple. It pushes your limits.   
Now, for heirs though?   
The game was like: “this one”

“This one is FUCKING IMMATURE,

And they need to learn their fucking place in life”

So what does it do? It gives you the heir class, to make you learn about responsibility. That’s it. That’s literally it. Heirs are heirs because the game thought that they were immature dicks,

And that they needed to grow the fuck up. There. There you have it.   
The reason heirs exist.   
  
Now, for your powerups or whatever the hell you wanna call them, moves, attacks, specialthingmabobs, fraybullshit, what the fuck ever, someone finished the leftovers I put in the fridge ( _ MY NAME WAS WRITTEN ON THEM)  _ and I’m FUCKING PI S SED    
  
AA: mahoro do you want to take a nap or something  
AA: you’re doing the monologue thing again   
EA: dONT PATRONIZE ME  
EA: you   
EA: YOU FOOD EATER  
EA: huh   
EA: fuck  
AA: look I know I say this every time but I legit didn’t eat your food  
AA: so stop all the bosom heaving    
EA: i spent like 30 whole minutes finding the code for that mozarella salad dominique  
MF: oh ew was that what it was  
MF: no wonder it tasted so weird  
EA: YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND VEGETABLES IN THIS GAME  
EA: and by that vegetables that don’t taste like fucking,,,, reptile food  
EA: Like is there anything we can grow here that doesn’t taste like fucking slimy mushroom?????   
EA: is glowy glowy mushroom the only locally grown thing we can eat in this lonely, sad, depressing universe   
AA: I really like the artichokes  
AA: and brussels sprouts will grow, but brussels sprouts are gross anyway   
EA: wait you don’t like brussel sprouts?????????  
AA: I only know how to cook them one way and that way is to boil them until they fall apart  
AA: not much tastes good after that   
EA: point taken   
EA: but dude like you know I can cook though?? You’ve never tried the Choux de Bruxelles à la Mahoro???  
AA: well LAST TIME I ate food you made you kinda freaked the fuck out   
EA: ,,,,I  
AA: anywayyyyyyyyyy BACK TO THE GUIDE   
  
Hh………………..RIGHT.   
SO. The powerups. (for those who are not present in the room right now, I would like to specify that I am currently doing that pause super villains make when they sit on the chair and cross their legs menacingly joining their fingers) (you know what I mean) 

(AA: mahoro, get on with it)

  
Right   
So your first move is called [CARTRIDGE BLOW]. It’s fairly useful. As in lifesaving.   
You know when your universe is starting to get overrun with glitches for reasons that are just beyond you? You know what I’m talking about, those fucking piece of shit glitches are in everyone’s session. Jpeg artifacts. Yes. Yeessss, the Jpeg artifacts. The kind of stuff you could scratch your entire session to get rid of. Really. They’re fucking horrible. We’ve all had our jpeg artifact moments in this game. We’ve all been in the shower, showering in Jpeg artifacts instead of water for some bullshit fucking reason. Right. Well [CARTRIDGE BLOW] is the debug move that lets you get rid of that shit. You can literally just shoo it off. Like, “shoo, shoo. You’re not welcome here anymore”. You bring your little metaphorical spray bottle of Breath power (febreze?) (totally febreze) and just banish those shits into oblivion. Right where they should be.   
Best move ever if you want my opinion.   
  
Second move is called [GO WITH THE FLOW]. It lets you turn into wind. It’s cool.   
  


(oh, also, windy thing. Tornado powers. Cool stuff)

~

MAID OF BREATH

Class type: aaaaaactive?

 

Why? WHY? I have no idea why this class exists, you guys make no sense. Sooooooo, I called a friend who’s a maid of breath and he says that your abilities are [BLOW OFF THE DUST] and [FLYING BROOMSTICK].

 

[BLOW OFF THE DUST] cleans things and also… removes clutter from data provided by npcs? Apparently?

 

AA: ?????? ERIC SPEAK LOUDER

\-- CleanSweep (CS) started pestering you! --

CS: I SAID,

CS: IT TAKES OFF ALL THE [content deleted by sBurB]

CS: AND THEN IT [content deleted by sBurB]

AA: I really hate this game. ERIC, STILL NOT GETTING YOUR MESSAGES.

CS: I 

CS: SAID

CS: IT TAKES OFF ALL THE [content deleted by sBurB] AND THEN IT [content deleted by sBurB] 

CS: OH AND FLYING BROOMSTICK [content deleted by sBurB]

 

Ok whatever I’m just gonna assume [FLYING BROOMSTICK] lets you fly on a broomstick, SINCE SBURB WON’T LET ERIC MESSAGE ME. 

 

CS: WAIT NO

AA: END OF CONVERSATION. 

EA: god bless censorship laws

~

PAGE OF BREATH

Class type: speedo dude   
  
I’ve always wondered,,,   
Don’t you ever …. You know? Get cold? I mean you have wind powers right? So you just spray cold wind everywhere around you and stuff but, christ?????? Do you ever get sick? Running around in your undergarnments like that?   
Also why don’t you put on some pants??? Maybe get a pair of sweatpants? Maybe you feel better? You know, because you won’t be exposed to the wind that much? (unless that’s your thing I mean hey I dont kinkshame or anything)   
Anyway yeah so it’s going to be a long way before you become the great speedo god of breath so I recommend you get some guns or some shit and start to learn how to use them.   
  
Your first real move will be called [FINAL BREATHS]. It stops your enemies from being able to breathe. If they don’t need to breath to live, well they start to choke to death. You’ll be surprised how effective that shit is. You don’t even notice at first, you know? It feels like you’re holding your breath, but you really aren’t. You just are not physically able to use your lung muscles anymore. Really though. Try it right now, actually! Just sigh, okay? And then stop breathing. Like after you’re done sighing just pretend you aren’t able to draw air inside your lungs anymore, right? You can even fake panicking and stuff. It’s not as horrible as it looks when you do it that way but trust me, when you suddenly realize that you’re going to die right there on the battlefield for such a bullshit reason, you panic, and you lose those precious last seconds of oxygen.   
And then you die. Scared. Not being able to scream. Or moan. Or sigh. You just collapse, as your vision blurs and your lungs collapse, the pain stabbing you across your throat, your stomach and your brain. Everything hurts. Then you die. It’s the same feeling as drowning. Except you’re not in water. And there’s no air in your lungs.   
That’s how it works.   
  
Second move? [SHAVASANA]. It involves laying down and just.. Not doing anything for a few minutes. During that time, you just… I don’t know? Listen to the sound of the wind tickling your ears or whatever? You know the sound, right? Like, when you’re on bike, and you’re going very fast (woosh) and you can like, hear the wind and stuff going inside your ears? And it kinda goes like “whhhhhooosshhhhhhhhhhhhh” but like continuously? (It’s even worse when you’re wearing earphones augh). Anyway. You do that. Then like… I’m not sure? Everything just……..Calms down? In a weird manner? I don’t know how it works but it works. One minute everyone is yelling and fighting and they you do Shavasana and it feels like you just entered yoga class and everything becomes super peaceful.

~

KNIGHT OF BREATH

Class type: ??? (EA: im pretty sure this one is active but then its support so… hrrrrr fuck it)

 

Ok well you’re basically captain america, since you’re a protector of freedom and all. 

 

That fits with your first ability, which is [KEEP BREATHING]. Basically you get people to keep fighting to resist mind control/a megalomaniac for as long as possible. It’s a simple but very powerful move.

 

Your other move is [EYE OF THE STORM], which conjurs up a GIANT TORNADO to protect you and whoever else is with you. It’s crazy. You should probably wear a jacket or something. 

EA: seriously it gets super cold in there she’s right you should totally wear a jacket   
EA: also maybe get some snacks cuz you aint gonna go anywhere when that stuff happens. Like literally. There’s a tornado around you. Where u gonna go   
EA: exactly

  
~

SEER OF BREATH/span>

Class type: passive

So yeah you’re like some meteorologist or something

Thats super cool

Your abilities are [SEE YOUR BREATH] (real creative) and [BORN FREE]. 

[SEE YOUR BREATH] makes everything around you cold. That’s it, idk what to tell you friend. [BORN FREE] requires you to sing some song and basically it makes people want to break off all ties and go be hermits somewhere. This is useful against armies. Unfortunately, it only works on those who will eventually become free on their own/were free at some point in time. So… yeah. 

  


AA: lbr breath is such an active aspect that the creators probably couldn't think of anything for u to legit predict

~

MAGE OF BREATH

Class type: active

Aw, mages, why don’t you make any sense. 

Ok, so mages are pretty much always glitchy as fuck, and this classpect is no exception. HOWEVER, your glitches actually make you terrifying, so it’s all fine. 

Your first ability is [DEEP BREATH], a passive ability. It affects you all the time, as passive abilities do, and it was originally intended to make you more calm. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. It ACTUALLY makes it so that you can resist mind control. 

AA: trust me, this is an AWESOME ability. Don't question it, just revel. 

Your other powerup is [BIG BAD WOLF]. Basically you take a breath in and then you blow out a GIGANTIC FRICKIN TORNADO. 

This is one of those things you’re only supposed to get once you’re godtier. BUT YOU GET IT EARLY. IT’S LIKE CHRISTMAS!! Unfortunately it takes pretty much all your energy in one go though so prepare to pass out. Maybe some cushions to protect your head? 

  
~

WITCH OF BREATH

Class type: active

Ah, witches of breath. Totally overpowered- creating a physical element means that any lack of wiggle room is more than compensated for by pure strength. Your abilities are [HUFF, PUFF, BLOW EVERYTHING DOWN] and [THIS ISN’T KANSAS ANYMORE].

[HUFF, PUFF, BLOW EVERYTHING DOWN].... Pretty much works as advertised. It creates a giant wind. Be careful with this!

[THIS ISN’T KANSAS ANYMORE] summons a tornado that lifts up the subject of the attack and a ~10 meter radius of their surroundings and takes them somewhere else. Your range depends on your level, but generally you can at least get them onto the other side of the planet. 

  
~

SYLPH OF BREATH

Class type: passive af

Ok, this is one of the few sylphs that can actually legitimately heal injuries, so- congrats? I guess? Your powerups are [INHALER] and [GET HIGH]. 

[INHALER] deals with any respitory problems, and from what I’ve heard it’s pretty damaging if you don’t actually have a problem, so- good luck with that.

[GET HIGH] is a strong analgesic. Basically it’s just really good pain meds. Again, be careful about this, they can be addictive. Also something to consider: I’ve seen this used as a weapon because it puts the enemy totally out of action. 

  
~

BARD OF BREATH

Class type: passive

Oooooh, this one. At least you don’t destroy everything. 

Your first ability is [WINDS OF CHANGE], which is a passive ability and is always on. In short, it summons wind to go around you. Maybe invest in a jacket? You should probably avoid deserts, too, because sandstorms suck. 

Your other ability is [IT’S A BARD! IT’S A PLANE!]. Yep, you can fly. Have fun! Don’t crash into anything. Please. 

  
~

PRINCE OF BREATH

Class type: ACTIVE

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SHIT. 

Princes of breath are frickin scary. Your abilities are [THAR SHE BLOWS] and [LAST BREATH]

[THAR SHE BLOWS] makes all the air in an opponents body move outward. What does that do, you ask? IT EXPLODES PEOPLE VIOLENTLY. 

[LAST BREATH] makes it so the prince controls whether or not you can breathe (duh), so you better hope they like you… otherwise you’ll die. Either way you’re basically their slave. 

  
~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trash, I know. Just bury me in the compost and let me die. This will be updated in the next week, though, pinky promise.
> 
> EDIT: HEY LOOK, I ACTUALLY KEPT MY PROMISE, /AMAZING/  
> I'll probs try to update this again on thursday
> 
> EDIT OF THE EDIT: SEMIFINAL CLOSING NOTES:
> 
> Well, we made it. It's been great writing this fic, and while we still have a chapter left, this is the last actual classpect powerup chapter so... 
> 
> thank you to: my co-writers, aka Mahoro, Jenny, and all the other people who came through to help even though I wasn't there in real life to nag at them (amazing!). Also thanks to everyone who's read this, you're fantastic! (!!!) 
> 
> The last chapter will appear sometime in august, but for now I just want to say: I hope you enjoyed the fic! Please comment if:  
> -You have an idea for another fic that would fit with this series  
> -You want to request another classpect (aka a muse, lord, or waste)  
> -You have additional advice for any venturing players. 
> 
> \--Am :)


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